To be loved by her

Is to comprehend yet wonder
To have questions answered with another
To be removed from all fear
To be so close but not quite near

To stand still and be blown away
To be saved from being astray
To see beauty in many forms
To rise beyond all norms

Like

A touch of color on black and grey
A streak of light on the darkest day
A scent of rose on my best silk
A summer bouquet freshly picked

Never shall I depart from this dream
Nor will I deny the way I feel
For I am deeply enthralled
By the beauty of it all

mocha cherry

Present day

Another spoonful of milk of magnesia. It suddenly occurred to me that the concoction has the appearance and consistency of a bird’s droppings. Yuck! I close my eyes trying to shove the thought away. I try instead imagining the mixture flowing down, covering the inner lining of my stomach. Curing whatever cut or abrasion that has been causing this unbearable pain. I’ve never been stabbed before but I reckon this is as close as it gets to one. It’s like being slashed from the inside. It’s been a while since my last gastritis. And this time they are back with reinforcement – fever and a splitting headache. Here I am crouching in the middle of the living room calling her name. Like a chant. If only she’s here. She’ll know what to do.

It’s amazing to think that just a few days ago Mea was up and running. It’s amazing how things could change in a split second. You’ll never know what tomorrow will throw on your doorstep. That’s a pretty scary thought.

_____________________________________________

Friday, 11.11.11

Work was overwhelming. Five meetings in one day, two reports and one presentation due next week. Not to mention a mountain of unresolved issues that depended upon Mea’s inexperienced wit. I think that sums up on my mental condition lately. It’s hard to put up a smile on days like these. I’m drained. I need a break. I need a big hug. I need a wet sloppy kiss. I need Emme.

Her days weren’t paradise either. She’s been working late. She’s got three events to organize in two months. Plus, she’s running a high fever. She could use a hug or two.

We both need each other. Badly.

9.29 pm. The bus was half an hour late. I was getting restless. The guy at the counter reassured me (for the third time) that the bus was in fact on its way. When it finally came, it brought a slight drizzle with it. There’s always something melancholic about drizzles. It felt like an allegory of despair and longing. Heaven’s rendition of misery. Or maybe it’s just me.

Four hours is how long it takes to arrive in her embrace. I told Emme to try and get some sleep. I’ll let her know when I’m almost there. The road will be too long and the bus too slow. As usual.

An hour past midnight. The weather was clear here. The moon was full. Engulfing everything along its path as it hovers towards the other side of the horizon. Turning them into a dull tinge of beige and grey. As my feet hit the tarmac, I immediately saw her waiting by the car. The moonlight shone from the background. Obscuring her into a shadowy outline of delicate shapes and curves. Something escaladed deep inside of me. Like a bubble waiting to burst. My smile came back. Here I am two steps away from my remedy. Emme spread her arms. “Oh baby, I miss you so much”, I said as I plunged into her. “You’re here”, Emme whispered into my ears. Her eyes were puffy and her skin was burning. She’s still feverish.

As we laid on the bed, arms knitted around each other, I was in disbelieve that I’m actually here. It felt like a dream. It always does. Emme kissed me. Almost continuously. She reassured me that everything’s going to be ok. I promised her the same. And just like that, I forgot about all my troubles. I forgot about work and the life I left behind. Report? What report?

Emme’s fever was getting better. We spent the day doing the things we love. We cuddled, we cooked, we watched movies, we went for a drive, came home and cuddled some more. We had dinner at a nice restaurant. I love the food. It’s been quite sometime since I helped myself to a proper meal.

We talked about people, work and us. I told Emme I’m going to try and get a job near Malacca so we can live together. Emme was so excited with the idea. “Come soon”, she said shifting to the edge of her seat. I nodded. Vigorously.

Right after dinner we drove back home. Emme was indulging on some ice cream we bought at a gas station somewhere along the way. The sky was clear. I said to Emme, “Sayang, come lie on my lap so you can watch the stars”. She looked at me for a moment and did just that. I hold the steering wheel with one hand and wrap another around her. “I didn’t know you can do this”, she said while looking up the sky as if she saw it for the first time. I gave away a contented smile and slowed the car. Trying to prolong the moment. After a while I noticed Emme wasn’t looking at the sky anymore. She was staring at me. That caught me off guard. I think I blushed.

Every time we see each other, it always felt like we’re in a race. Against time. Against our busy schedule. And we’re always on the losing team. Days became hours. Hours reduced into unforgiving minutes. During breakfast, we kept looking at the clock. We didn’t utter a word. We just stare at each other blankly. The sadness that was put on hold when I arrived a few days ago came rushing back in.

We laid on the bed. Another hour and Mea will have to leave. I held her tight. Trying to freeze the moment into my mind like polaroids. For later use.

As I board my ride, it felt like part of me refused to leave. Part of me wants to stay forever in the warmth of her grace. Part of me rebelled to the idea of goodbyes. I fought with these emotions every time. And I could never offer myself a strong argument. Then again, is it possible to reason with your heart?


I took a deep breath. Time to go.
There’s that drizzle again…

All The Lonely People

The bus drove on. Emme was following not far behind. Is she chasing after me? Perhaps she was trying to steal one final glimpse. Another wave goodbye. My heart sank. She looked so tiny in that driver’s seat. Sad and alone. We part as she made a left turn and I went the opposite way.

I kept asking myself why I have to leave. Don’t we have the power to do what we want now? Now that we’ve grown up and had minds of our own? Huh, stop being silly Mea. Two mature, working adults, remember?

As the bus makes its way through the dark cold asphalt, I lower the seat and close my eyes. Without mercy, images of her came gushing in into my mind wave upon wave. I was quickly taken back to a morning just a few days ago. I remembered her smile. The smile she made as she opened her eyes. The smile she made as soon as she saw me. Her beautiful dark hazel eyes squinting from the sudden rush of the morning sunlight. Her delicate fingers caressing my cheek. She pulled me close and whispered her love for me. And I confessed mine. That’s our little ritual. Every single morning.

We had the weekends all to ourselves. That’s a rare luxury we both understood well and always try to make full use of. Emme wanted to take me to this bootsale and maybe catch some dinner with a few good friends later. And of course, that sounds like a very good plan. Anywhere with Emme is a good place to be.

We decided to travel with public transports. “We’d see more this way”, I told Emme. We took a bus and sit at the far end of it. Emme was naughty and playful, as usual. Teasing me. Even occasionally singing and moving about to the music which was playing on the speaker. We laughed and laughed. Two goofools back in action.

Excited as she was, Emme was showing signs of fatigue. She came back from a hiking trip just a day before and I think she hasn’t fully recovered although she managed to convince me that she was. She said she really wanted to show me the bootsale. This is the place she shops for books and CDs. Including some that she lent me.

I immediately fell in love with the place. It’s a heaven for book lovers and bargain hunters like us. It’s amazing how not so many people knew about it. Emme was all over the place. Grabbing my arms and hastily taking me from one shop to another. She’s been telling me about this place for so long but now that she got me here, she can’t decide which one is more interesting to show to me than the other. Anyway, we end up not buying anything but I’m going to come back. Definitely.

Later we rode a train and moved further into the stony maze to meet our friends. Emme’s condition had worsened at this point. Her hands and feet were sweaty and cold as ice. She kept telling me she felt nauseous. I was getting worried but my attempt to persuade her to just go home was met by her persistence to keep going. So we kept going.

While having dinner, Emme excused herself to the ladies room. I followed her right into the toilet where she vomited. I rubbed her back until she stops convulsing. She sat on the toilet seat as I held her. Poor thing. We should have stayed at home. As her complexion came back and she felt better, we began to realize that we were locked together in a public bathroom full of people. We stared at each other for a minute or two. Trying to figure out how to get out of there when we both already knew there’s only one way in and out. We gave each other a smile then Emme said, highbrow, “Let’s do this”. We rushed out surprising a few people who were waiting for a vacant toilet. Gosh, they must've think that we’re making out in there. We would - if Emme weren’t sick.

She finally surrendered so we took another train and head home. While waiting at the station, she went pale and blue again. She can’t even walk anymore. I was in a state of panic and was contemplating whether I should call for an ambulance. She said it was unnecessary because she’s just exhausted. We sat on a bench and I asked Emme to lie down on my lap. I massaged her head and pray for the train to come soon. Needless to say, we attracted a lot of queer stare from other patrons. I have no concern over those. All I care about is her and why the train is taking so bloody long.

When we finally got home, she was totally worn out and shivering. She kept apologizing. She felt like she had ruined the evening. I told her, “Don’t say sorry baby. I had a great time. Thank you for taking me to these places. You’re pushing yourself too hard. Next time let’s just rest at home if we’re too tired, okay?” Emme gave a weak nod.

As she laid half conscious on the bed, I rubbed medicated oil on her. Her hands were still cold. So were her feet. Her muscles were as stiff as a rock. I went on and only stopped when her fingers felt warmer than mine. I gave her a goodnight kiss and covered her bare back with a thick blanket. She was breathing deeply. Rest sweetie. It’s been an awfully long day. I closed the door and went to the study room to do some reading. Somehow, tired as I was, I can’t sleep. Must be the adrenaline from what happened earlier that evening.

The book was about a lady detective in Botswana. I think I managed to read a couple of pages before I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up sometime later to find Emme at the door, covered in blankets. She said in a husky voice, “I woke up and you weren’t there. So I went looking for you”. I don’t know why but something inside me swelled up. Must be my motherly instinct. She needs me. I gave her a hug and we went to bed. Arms wrapped in each other. “I’m here darling”.

When I opened my eyes, the sky was a beautiful tone of Prussian blue. The sun’s up. Emme was still sleeping. She had her arms around me still. Her face touching mine. In the serenity of the early dawn, I talked to Him;

“Dear God, please protect her when I’m not around. Please guard her when she’s unaware. Keep her safe until my return. Bestowed her with as much love as she had given on others and on me. I don’t mean to offend you but this is the person I love”. Tears flowed from my eyes. I quickly wipe them so they won’t fall on Emme and woke her up. But she did anyway. She asked, “Sayang, were you talking in your sleep?” I just smiled and kiss her forehead.

The day felt like déjà-vu. Clothes were hesitantly stuffed into the backpack ready to be sent off to where it came from. Along with its owner. Emme sat at the corner of the room hugging her knees while I get dressed. I know that look. It’s the why-do-you-have-to-go look. If there’s an award for the moment I hate the most, this must be it. And second place would go to the final hug at the bus station. Which came in succession not long after.

But this time, no tears came from our eyes. Just like I promised. We laughed from the moment we met up until I throw her a butterfly kiss from the bus.

The engines starts but I’m not ready to go…..
_____________________________________________

300km from Emme

Here I am alone again. Back to square one. Watching the hills as the sun bathe the tree top and replenish them back to their former glory. Missing the girl I kissed just yesterday. The Beatles’ Eleanor Rigby was playing on the radio. Singing my heart again, as always;

All the lonely people where do they all come from…..All the lonely people where do they all belong….

Perhaps Mea never left. Perhaps somewhere in the ripple of space and time, Mea and Emme are still there, under the blanket. Fingers weaved in one another. Chatting and kissing the night away…