KL Sentral was muted by the consistent melody coming from my headphones.
“If I had only felt the warmth within your touch,
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush,
And how you curl your lips when you concentrate enough,
I would have known what I was living for all along…
What I’ve been living for…”
Sleeping At Last – Turning Page
I came down the main stairs on the arrival floor feeling like I was making a grand entrance. Look at me. I am a guest no more. This is my home now. Any first timer here? Anything I can do to help? I know it can be quite confusing. I used to travel here too…
The 8 hours train ride topped with the pseudoephedrine pills I swallowed earlier took quite a nasty toll on me. I am drowsier than a horse on tranquilizers. Behind me, my load hangs like a lion on a gazelle’s back. Tenacious and insistent. Shabbily packed in them are books, shirts, pants, random toiletries, a tent and Dexter. Dexter is a teddy bear which Emme had given to me back when we were still friends. The name was borrowed from her favorite cartoon character. Bart has a soft fur the color of heavy cream and he wore a brown shirt that says ‘it’s a boy!’
It’s hard to believe that someday life would make a sharp, two-wheels-off-the-ground turn where Dexter will be returned to its original owner and Mea would be allowed to tag along. Until this very day, whenever our eyes met and everything around us went silent, I would ask her the question that I’ve asked a million times – “Are you really Emme?”
My vertigo was preventing me from walking faster than I wanted to. Just on the other side of the glass wall, I saw her. She smiled and made her way towards me. That 30 feet, felt like a walk on a treadmill.
She took my hands. And within her clasp, doubts and fears, disappear.
We arrived home close to midnight. As the front door closes, I seek my overdue kisses which Emme duly obliged. And this time something felt different. Something was missing and would never be missed.
They were no despair.
A long shower scrapped away the plight and grimes of the day. As I lay in bed, Emme took something from the other room and lie down next to me. Her cheek resting on my shoulder.
“Baby, this is something I bought in Shanghai. It says ‘home’. This is for us.”
I took the rectangular object the color of blood from her hands, smiled and whispered, “home”. Then Emme showed me another one.
“And sayang this is ‘happiness’. At first I thought of getting you one that says ‘love’ but then I changed my mind.”
I looked into her eyes. Puzzled. She kissed my cheek and put her arms around me.
She continues, “I don’t want you to have to go through a situation where you love someone but she does not love you or being loved by someone you can’t love in return. So I got you this because happiness is all I ever wish for you”, she choked and tears began to pool in her weary eyes.
I wanted to say, “That’s silly sayang. I don’t need to look for love. I have you. You love me, don’t you?” but my own voice deceived me and my tears were all that’s left to utter what’s unspoken.
And I don’t need to look for happiness either. I have it here. In my arms.
I kissed her eyes. It’s time for bed.
Emme’s breathing deepened as she gradually drifted away from her own consciousness. I looked out the window and watched the heavy clouds wafted lazily towards the shore. Down below, the city lights flickered restlessly from afar.
I recited a prayer and closed my eyes.
I kept thinking about the journey I took to get to where I am this very night. The cuts and bruises. The quest to find answers to questions I can’t even comprehend. It has been a long, long ride. But tonight, I can finally rest my head down. I can finally exhale. I have arrived.
And as darkness steered away into dawn, I kept imagining a picture of Emme and myself, hugging Dexter on a front cover of a fairy tale book. Except this is not a fairy tale.
Not anymore.
