return

Dear Emme,

I can't even begin to describe what these horrid discorteous nights are doing to me. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. And us. It's always the same dream. The same setting. The same breathtaking view. Of you. But that's not the worst part. The most agonizing part of it all is waking up.


Dearest Emme,

In this war torn region that was once my heart, I'm buried in rubbles and fenced in by blinding smokes from burning ruins. No matter how hard I try, seems like I could never find my way out. Countless times I called your name but to no avail. Obscured by the the sound of the relentless rain, my voice is not strong enough to travel the distance. So here I sat. Bruised and weary. Still, I'll keep this fire burning. In hope that the heat will keep me warm while the flame serves as a beacon to lead you straight into my arms again.

Come look for me. I need you. Only you can save me. See me through.

Please return
So our story can resume

Luv,
Mea

to be near you

I’ve been staring at this blank piece of paper for days now. Looking for words to describe the inner turmoil that’s been devouring me since the day we parted. But I found none. Distracted by a constant chanting that resonates within me. I miss you. I really miss you…

I had a dream last night. We were walking through a lush meadow filled with dandelions and wild daisies swaying freely in the invigorating late afternoon current. The sun was shining so generously. Giving life to a brilliant Persian Blue sky. We didn’t utter a word. You looked stunning in a pastel cotton dress. They fluttered in the wind as we made our way up the hill where a small cottage awaits. You were holding a bunch of flowers we picked along the way.
I was holding your hands again.

How’s life treating you lately sayang? Do you miss me? Have you had dreams about me? Did memories of us shook you up in the middle of a cold lonely night and sent you crying? Did you walk into a crowded room and wished one of them was me? Did you lie on your empty bed reminiscing about the secret pact once made under those sheets? Oh Emme, are you as miserable as I am?

Nothing seems to help anymore. Those long hours on the phone only serves as a temporary remedy. I was so afraid I’m going to forget how it felt like to have your warm body resting against mine. I need to feel your touch. I need to be in your presence. I want to hear you whisper softly in my ear, your innermost desire while your breath gushes through my skin and send shivers down my neck. I want to kiss your alluring lips and make you understand, through them, how I long for you.

I guess for now, I just have to be strong.

My only consolation is the thought that each day that passes will bring you closer to me.
Until then I’ll be standing by the gate waiting patiently for the moment when destiny calls my name, to be near you again.

You're here

Emme, you were wrong. I'm the lucky one.

There were times when I looked into your subtle dark hazel eyes and saw everything that I like about me. I saw the reflection of how I imagine love would be. I saw a mirror image of myself, smiling.

You've made me forget that life comes with its burden. And it's proven from this tear soaked memories of my past. Somehow it does not matter anymore Emme. It's all over now. You're here.

I have not been able to understand what I have done to deserve you. To deserve your warm touch and divine kisses. To be invited into your life. To have your hands pull me close. To have your mesmerizing stare upon mine. To be the one you lean on to as we sat together under the glowing grace of the solstice moon. Forgive me for taking this long to comprehend the magnitude of what just happened. You have to understand, miracle don't happen to me everyday.

I realized the more I venture into who you are, the deeper I sink. Love has evolved into an indescribable feeling of affection and fascination.

I don't know how you did it but you've turn my life into a place where fear in unheard of, pain is a diminishing term and love is a song that echoed everywhere.
Don't stop your lullaby my darling. I don't want to wake up.

Stay with me Emme. I need those smiles. They are the only thing that could persuade these eyes to open every morning. And the only thing that eases the weight that I carry on my shoulder. I need to know that despite all these hatred and prejudice that beamed towards me from all direction, somewhere someone is waiting for me.

Stay with me Emme

By Chance

This is a recollection of words unspoken. A collage of feelings kept to oneself. This is a story of Mea. Before Emme.

By chance. I think that’s the best way to describe my encounter with Emme. A connection made via another. Through an old friend. Which actually complicate things but that's another story.

I can't really remember when it happens and how. Is it too easy of an answer to say that the moment we met, I just knew I love her. And as I got to know her, I love everything about her. When she's near, everyone else just disappear. The world shrinks to just Mea and Emme. She made me feel a million times stronger and better than who I really am. She inspired me to be the person I've always wanted to be. She showed me that there's more to this life than what I considered as life. She gave love, hope.

It was not the lack of courage that hinders me from blurting my heart's content to her. No. Emme was simply not available at that time. She was with someone else and I respect that. I don't want to meddle with that. Still, human heart is a senseless, deaf-mute creature. It knows what it wants and it can't be appeased. So it begins. A constant battle between should and want. Hundreds of times I took a step forward and just as fast, withdrew them. Oscillating back and forth like an erratic version of Argentine Tango.

Many a time, I tried hitting her with fuzzy hint which passed through her unnoticed like a light drizzle on a Sunday morning. They were weak. Laced with guilt. Crippled by conscience.

Many a time, I give up.

Strangely enough, I always come back. Making one flimsy attempt after another. Hoping that perhaps one of them will catch her attention. But surely (and sadly) enough, they didn't.

God knows how hard it is to talk to her while holding in what I really meant to say. Being close enough but unprivileged to touch. Stealing glances when she's looking away. Whispering words that dispersed into the wind right before they reach her.

Dear Emme, I Love You. Can you hear me?

Two years of loving her taught me that love doesn't have to be mutual. I've come to a point where I don't care if she ever love me. I just want to love her. I want to be the person to carve that smile on her face. I want to be the one to render her happiness. I want to be there for her when life treats her badly. Because love, though unanswered, is still love.

So I stayed.

But deep inside I still hope that maybe, just maybe, one fine morning when she's standing by her window, while the morning breeze brushes through her hair, she would hear my voice calling for her. She would finally realize that this awkward girl that kept showing up at her door is not there because she was on business trips and happens to be in the neighborhood. And the loud, inappropriate laughter was Mea's way of concealing her feelings and not because she's gotten too excited about the party. Maybe one day she'll finally realize that this girl had fallen for her.

Till then, I'll keep blowing little love notes her way. Perhaps when the morning breeze in strong enough, they will find their way into her heart.

By chance. Perhaps it was all orchestrated by a spontaneous chain of events that coincidently intertwine. Then again, life taught me to stop believing in coincidence.

Butterflies

The phone rang. Eyes closed, my hands scoured around blindly looking for the source of the buzz. Got it. When I picked it up, a familiar voice came gushing out but instead of a customary ‘hello’, I heard the singing of a familiar tune;

"...I’m here without you baby
but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time..."
Here without you – 3 doors down.

I rubbed my eyes. Trying very hard to free myself from my sleepy daze. Trying to make sense of what is actually happening. Wait, is she actually singing for me? It’s 6.15 in the morning and my girl is singing! And she kept going. One song after another. Unaware of the fact that on the other end of the line someone was listening in awe.

Can she be any more endearing? Call me over-dramatic but I think this is one of the sweetest thing anybody had ever done for me.

Before I knew it, I was singing with her.

"...If you could see
That I’m the one
Who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you see
You belong with me..."
You belong with me – Taylor Swift.

Not a bad way to start a dull Tuesday morning. Not bad at all.

“Mea luvs u”
“Tell Her, Emme luvs Mea too”
“Butterflies!”
“In her tummy?”
"Yup. And everywhere”

Gosh, I'm so crazy about this girl!

10,000 feet

Its terrifying when I realized
How we almost let this pass
We’ll never know what we missed
And continue living life in anguish

Now that it has commenced
We can’t sit around and waste time
I’ve waited all my life for you
Life was paused and love overdue

Lets go crazy and out of our way
Lets break free from all these clichés
Lets dance in the rain in our evening gown
Lets sunbathe on our front lawn

I want to skydive from 10,000 feet
Holding your hands and taking candid
How about a dive in the deepest ocean
Life’s an adventure waiting to happen

Emme, I’m so glad that you’re here
For once in my life, everything is clear
We’ll take on the world wide and far
Thanks for flying with Air Mea

straw summer hat

Dear Emme,

Pardon me for leaving you last night
It's unfair and you were right
It's not the distance or the loneliness
It's the memory that will kill us

I'm sorry I wasn't there to seize your tears
And for being so far away when you need me near
Just know that I'm hurt the same way
This heart is aching every single day



How I wish I could stop time
And be your knight just standing by
I won't let anything cross your path
I'll guard your honour till my last breath

When life's a drag and you're in doubt
When sadness engulfs you like a rotten shroud
Just know that this heart will always take me back
To that pretty girl in straw summer hat

the long and winding road

……..Here we are standing by her front door. I’m all packed and ready. Ready? That’s a lie. I can never be ready for this. One last kiss. Dry your tears. Time to send Mea away……..

The weekend wasn’t planned but the timing was perfect. Our last meetup in Malacca three weeks ago felt like an eternity. I need to see her again. I have to.

I arrived and waited in the café. Sipping hot cocoa. Other patrons were watching TV and chatting. I sat there unnoticed. The night was giving way to the early morning dew. Cold. She’s on the way. I like the sound of that. Emme is on the way.

She finally drove by and I got in the car. She looked beautiful as ever. We sat there staring at each other. Three seconds of silence. Here I am Emme. Take me into your arms and kiss me like you promised to.

“Mea, I can’t believe you’re here”.
“Me too sayang . Me too.”

As we drove to her place, something came to mind. Beatles’ The long and winding road.

The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door.

You sang my heart, Sir Paul.

I took a shower. A much needed shower. It’s been a long day. Put some fresh clothes on. I sat on the dining table. Munching on the noodles we picked up on the way. She took a towel and dried my hair. I have this bad habit of just letting my hair dry on its own. I felt like a silly 6 years old. I gave a goofy chuckle. She kissed my forehead. I’m loved.

We lie down on the bed. Exhausted. I held her close and bury my face on her back. I felt the warmth that radiates from her skin. And that familiar scent. Is it lavender? Or perhaps jasmine? Doesn’t matter. It’s Emme’s.

I don’t wanna sleep. I won’t waste this moment on such a wasteful thing as sleeping. I stayed awake just looking at her. Stroking her soft hair. Telling her I love her. There are times when she moved slightly as though responding to my whisper. Maybe somewhere in her dream, she heard me.
I don’t know when but my eyes finally gave in to my body’s plead for rest. I subside.

I woke up at the sound of her voice. I opened my eyes and there she was. It felt like a dream. I smiled. She gave me my first kiss of the day. And another one. I can’t stop smiling. I love you Emme. I truly love you.

We agreed to spend our weekend just hanging around. Relaxing. That morning the rain came pouring like it never rained before. Adding to another good reason to stay at home. We talk, eat and sleep - In that order.

That evening we went out for a walk by the lake. I had her hand clasped in mine.
The sun, now the color of burnt orange, was slowly receding into the far off horizon. Its final gleam turning everything into a shade of deep saffron. Including her eyes. Her amazing set of eyes. We walked towards the sunset. Just talking. Catching up. More often than not, we laughed. At times we stood so close and stare at each other. Inviting curious gape from passersby. “Let them wonder”, I said with a naughty smile. I can’t imagine myself being anywhere else than right here by the lake just sitting with the girl I love.
Remember I kissed you by the pier just as the day turned into night?

We had dinner at a very nice café not far from the lake. I love the food and the ambience. Everything was delicious. Everything was perfect. She is. I’m a lover in content.

Sunday
I sat on the floor. Looking at my backpack and a pile of dirty laundry lying around like a mock remembrance of happier days. I folded and packed them sloppily into my bag. I always dreaded folding clothes. Even more so right now. Tears were falling from my eyes.
God, this is too hard.

I slumped into her arms. We’re both in tears. Emme told me that we are gonna see each other soon. She loves me and we are gonna make this work. She said, let’s just imagine I’m away on a business trip and we’ll see each other when I get back. Yes, that’s right. I’ll see you when I get back. When I get home.
I took her in my embrace. I have to be strong for us.

Here we are standing by her front door. I’m all packed and ready. Ready? That’s a lie. I can never be ready for this. One last kiss. Dry your tears. Time to send Mea away.

Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried,
Anyway you'll never know
The many ways I've tried.

And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.

I’m sorry I had to go Emme. I’m sorry we’re so far away. I’ll be back. I promise I’ll come back for you.

Lead me to your door