Take these hands...

That Night

I stood in front of the hotel room, rubbing my hands together. My feet started to feel cold when i heard someone unlocking the door. Gosh why did I even agree to this? Good first impression is not my strongest virtue. Well, i wasn't  sure if it’s even on my list of virtues.

While i was contemplating to wait in the car, a face suddenly emerged from the slightly ajar door, smiling.

‘Come in’ she said, pulling the door in as i tailed my friend into the hotel room.

‘This is Emme’.

The brief introduction sent us all into silence.

I held my breath, looked straight at the girl with the ponytail and extended my hand.

Still wearing a smile, she shook my hand politely but looked away as soon as her eyes met mine.

‘Mea’

Her voice was barely audible.

'So this is Mea' i said to myself.

The Vow of Mea and Emme

I fear not what has surmounted me

Indeed this is the path never foretold

I know not what luck has stricken me

Dear Heaven, I may never know

May I have the promise of tomorrow

Grant me the luxury of your affection

Make me a woman unknown to sorrow

Be the reason for my contentment

Take these hands into yours

Though frail and callow they may seem

Yet for you they shall devour

Everything wicked and least worthy

This is my vow, my pledge of conviction

That your love shall never be forsaken

Liberate this heart from grief and forlorn

Be my saviour, Rule our kingdom.

(10.11.12 : Yes baby, I Do...)

Dexter and I

KL Sentral was muted by the consistent melody coming from my headphones.

“If I had only felt the warmth within your touch,

If I had only seen how you smile when you blush,

And how you curl your lips when you concentrate enough,

I would have known what I was living for all along…

What I’ve been living for…”

Sleeping At Last – Turning Page

I came down the main stairs on the arrival floor feeling like I was making a grand entrance. Look at me. I am a guest no more. This is my home now. Any first timer here? Anything I can do to help? I know it can be quite confusing. I used to travel here too…

The 8 hours train ride topped with the pseudoephedrine pills I swallowed earlier took quite a nasty toll on me. I am drowsier than a horse on tranquilizers. Behind me, my load hangs like a lion on a gazelle’s back. Tenacious and insistent. Shabbily packed in them are books, shirts, pants, random toiletries, a tent and Dexter. Dexter is a teddy bear which Emme had given to me back when we were still friends. The name was borrowed from her favorite cartoon character. Bart has a soft fur the color of heavy cream and he wore a brown shirt that says ‘it’s a boy!’

It’s hard to believe that someday life would make a sharp, two-wheels-off-the-ground turn where Dexter will be returned to its original owner and Mea would be allowed to tag along. Until this very day, whenever our eyes met and everything around us went silent, I would ask her the question that I’ve asked a million times – “Are you really Emme?”

My vertigo was preventing me from walking faster than I wanted to. Just on the other side of the glass wall, I saw her.  She smiled and made her way towards me. That 30 feet, felt like a walk on a treadmill.

She took my hands. And within her clasp, doubts and fears, disappear.

We arrived home close to midnight. As the front door closes, I seek my overdue kisses which Emme duly obliged. And this time something felt different. Something was missing and would never be missed.

They were no despair.

A long shower scrapped away the plight and grimes of the day. As I lay in bed, Emme took something from the other room and lie down next to me. Her cheek resting on my shoulder.

“Baby, this is something I bought in Shanghai. It says ‘home’. This is for us.”

I took the rectangular object the color of blood from her hands, smiled and whispered, “home”. Then Emme showed me another one.

“And sayang this is ‘happiness’. At first I thought of getting you one that says ‘love’ but then I changed my mind.”

I looked into her eyes. Puzzled. She kissed my cheek and put her arms around me.

She continues, “I don’t want you to have to go through a situation where you love someone but she does not love you or being loved by someone you can’t love in return. So I got you this because happiness is all I ever wish for you”, she choked and tears began to pool in her weary eyes.

I wanted to say, “That’s silly sayang. I don’t need to look for love. I have you. You love me, don’t you?” but my own voice deceived me and my tears were all that’s left to utter what’s unspoken.

And I don’t need to look for happiness either. I have it here. In my arms.

I kissed her eyes. It’s time for bed.

Emme’s breathing deepened as she gradually drifted away from her own consciousness. I looked out the window and watched the heavy clouds wafted lazily towards the shore. Down below, the city lights flickered restlessly from afar.

I recited a prayer and closed my eyes.

I kept thinking about the journey I took to get to where I am this very night. The cuts and bruises. The quest to find answers to questions I can’t even comprehend. It has been a long, long ride. But tonight, I can finally rest my head down. I can finally exhale. I have arrived.

And as darkness steered away into dawn, I kept imagining a picture of Emme and myself, hugging Dexter on a front cover of a fairy tale book. Except this is not a fairy tale.

Not anymore.

3 bags full

3 bags. 3 bulky bags. I’m at the train station looking at my load and I almost laughed because I can’t remember what I put in them. I know one sack is filled with an array of random shoes. Some I might not even consider wearing. Why on earth did I bring them in the first place anyway? I’m too excited to care. Time seems to move so unhurriedly. Like a dull Monday after a long holiday.  Can I just tap my ruby slippers 3 times and ‘poof’, I’m lying by her side and tomorrow is the first day at my new job? Guess not. I don’t fancy ruby slippers.

A voice of an assumingly young lady came off a low quality speaker with the volume turned full blast. As soon as I heard the tap on the microphone, I knew something’s wrong. I was right. They will be a slight delay due to a ‘slight’ difficulty. Oh man… it’s going to be a long night. I set down my baggage one by one. Followed by my delayed ass.

As always, I’m on the phone with Emme. She will keep me company until I get to my bunker aka berth. Keeping me happy while I wait for my ride. Come to think of it, we’re always on the phone. We might not be living together (yet) but I think we’re so updated about what the other person is doing that we can’t even tell that we’re living apart. We even took the phone to the shower! (Thanks to the wonderful world of speakerphone). Ok, that might sound a bit perverted so please disregard that last comment if you’re under 18 or are easily disgusted or both.

I sat on an old taken down wooden electric pole turned bench. I’m guessing it was ‘cengal emas’. A few people sat with me. Some of them wear their frustration outside. Others just looked, sleepy. Some even slept where they sat, to my amazement.

In 3 weeks, I will be boarding my one way train. I will be moving in with Emme. Excited? That’s an understatement. Ecstatic? Getting warmer. Truth is, I’m so happy, I’m literally numb. Hence the three bags of random, utterly useless stuff that I’m about to dump at Emme’s house and declare as my essential belongings. Well, at least we can have a good laugh about it later.

In all seriousness, I am still unable to digest what is actually going on. This is our dream. This is an answered prayer. But when it finally happened, we just don’t know how to begin to take it in. We’re like 2 squirrels trapped in a nut silo. We go nuts. Literally!

Emme still ask me now and again whether this is really happening and I still gave her a long pause before the hesitant ‘yes’. And I am still trying to reassure myself that yes means yes!

And then everything came pouring in. Fear, doubt, anxiety. Thanks to the power of overthinking. Will I be able to make her happy? Is she going to feel annoyed with me after a while? Are we going to get into fights? Gosh, scary thoughts. But Emme reassured me that everything’s going to work out fine. And that it’s impossible for her to be annoyed with me as long as I shower regularly and reduce my habit of saying things in a repetitive manner. That will need practice but, achievable.

In 3 weeks, I will be sleeping in the warmth of her satin like skin and waking up to her beautiful smile. And they’ll be no more goodbyes. No more abrupt meetings. We don’t have to try to cramp a month of activities in one weekend. Soon, we can take it slow. We can walk by the lake and wait for the sunset. We can sip the coffee when it’s really below skin scorching temperature. Goodness gracious me, we can loaf! That is a luxury we have never tasted before.

The speaker lady spoke again. The train had overcome its slight difficulties and is now on its way to pick us poor sleepy soul. I am coming my love. With me are prove that soon, I won’t be leaving anymore. Soon, we will be doing all those things we’ve always dreamed about. Soon. We’ll be together.

Hang on tight sweetheart, we’re going for a ride.

There She Goes Again

She was singing. And subtly dancing. She weaved her delicate fingers around the mirror-like metal pole. The speeding train was half filled with people. A few of them took a longer than necessary stare at this animated girl who seemed unaware of where she is and what is around. She’s always like this. Bubbly and full of life. When she’s happy, she’ll show it. Regardless of where or when.

Sometimes, when we’re in a crowded place, she’ll pretend (?) like she’s about to kiss me. She’ll ease in real slow. And I’ll blush and start reciting a mantra in my head “she’s not going to do it…she’s not going to do it, She’s not…” And then when she got too close, I’ll panicked and say something like, “Hey there’s people around, Hun.” And then she’ll give me her common reply, “I wasn’t really going to do it.” And smirk at my defeat.

Emme has this sense of openness about her. Ingenuous and honest. In that sense she’s got more guts than I do. I am incredibly shy. My bubbliness is reserved for her and her only. But she inspired me. To not care. About what people might think of me/us.

“Let them judge”, she always said.

“They don’t know us. I KNOW you. And that’s all that matters”.

I promised myself that someday, I am going to dance with her, on a speeding train.
And I won't give a damn about anything else but my steps and this beautiful girl who is dancing around with me.

Ours

Venus drifted deeper into the dark oblivion.  Sulking in between thick clouds that dominated the murky moonless sky. I stand on the grassy porch with both of my hands kept warm in my pocket. It was cold but not bitterly so. The chilly August wind smelled of damp sands. I’m still looking up. There’s the constellation of Orion. I have always had this inexplicable fascination over what the imagination construed as a man pulling an arrow - The Hunter. In the Greek Mythology Orion the Hunter was the lover of the Goddess of the dawn, Eos. He was later slayed by Artemis, Goddess of the wildlands, over jealousy.

The Orion Nebula lies just on the Hunter’s sword. Stretching its empire of hot gases and newly born blue stars for as wide as 15 million light years. But from earth, they appear to us as just a small patch of blurry dot. It occurred to me how we must appear as an even smaller dot from Orion. And how frail and puny we are compared to the might of the Creator.  I closed my eyes on that humbling note.

Emme is sleeping in the room. Safe and unaware. Come dawn she will have to leave again. Weekends begin with absolute euphoria and ended in concentrated torture. It’s beginning to feel like an inexorable cycle. Like a raging tornado and we’re caught in its turbulence.

But I need to stay strong.

Emme made everything bearable. I endured because she endured. I wipe the tears off her warm cheek as she did mine. She made it seems possible. Attainable. Easy. Though her now and again silent weep told me a different story. There were times when we almost give in. But Emme, when she believes in something, she became a fighter. She knows no restraint, no boundary, no border.

“You don’t have to be strong all the time baby. I’m here now.”

- Emme Fabella

The moon made a delayed appearance just as I was making my way back into the house. Emme was crouching and breathing deep. I covered her with a thick cotton wool blanket - her house warming gift. She lay unmoved.

Under the feeble cobalt blue night light, I gazed at my lover. She folded her tiny hands under her cheeks. Her long eyelashes meet and reside. She’s at peace.

The first time I ever saw Emme, it was her eyes that told me everything I needed to know about her. They shine in deep, dark brown residues that mimic pillars of timeworn oaks shimmering as the warm July shower glazed its mossy bark. Her eyes are wide and eager. Piercing like metal shards. Yet it brought upon stories of battle lost and defeated wars. It praised the bearer for the silent nights she filled with tears and prayers. An unyielding attempt to reach out to the higher power.

 I saw a glimpse of hope. Of life. Of home. Finally.

I've kissed those eyes countless times. Often resting my lips longer than I should. There lies the essence of her being. The entrance into her soul. Her eyes aid her fingers as they scour their way onto my skin. They guide her feet as she eases her warm body closer to mine.

 I kissed her dark flowy hair. As dawn grew near, I put my arms around her.

 This love is all I had ever wanted. More than anything in the world. I am keeping my promise, Emme.

This battle is ours.

Remember Us

sky garden

breakfast by the pool table

kapitan

magical morning

Never Let Go, Mea Fabella

6.15am, Saturday. The morning was warmer than mornings should be. The air was dry and stiff. Near the jetty, the sea was kept calm and asleep under a thin blanket of haze. Crows squawked from above the lamp post. Beckoning for the coming of day. I sat on one of the concrete benches lined along the elevated platform. A few of the other benches were occupied as well. We were sandwiched between two railway tracks. Aged and rock-hard timber ties the rusty steel together as they lie on the crushed granite underneath.  I did a quick time check and yawn simultaneously. Hadn’t had too much sleep. The night before was unkindly hot and unsettling.

Or perhaps it was just me.

I was early. Like I promised to be.

It has been a month since distance had denied me from the privilege of living my days under the warmth and care of the woman I love. A month? Surely it must be longer than that. Those last kiss, they felt ancient and remote. A small part of me felt abandoned. Marooned. Like a sinking ship. But none of that matters now. She is on her way.

As the orange tinged ray illuminates the far horizon, I saw a flickering of brilliant white lights coming towards me. From where I’m sitting, they bare the resemblance of a round cut Tanzanian diamond. Bright and glorious. Steels and stones shuddered and groan as the metallic beast approaches. Emme is here.

My palms were involuntarily sweaty. Not uncommon. Nervous and ecstatic. A minute battle was raging inside of me. This happens everytime. And I always lose. One way or the other. People poured out from a small opening at the side of the coaches. They looked tired and worn out. It’s a long journey from where they came from. I sliced through the crowd from the opposite direction. Half frantically giving a keen glance on each faces. Looking for that haunting smile. Then, I saw her. She wore a black sweater and a tiny yellow leather shoes. Her tan khakis covered her legs just below her knees. Her enormous backpack towered from behind her. My heart skipped a beat. We moved briskly towards each other. My face was beaming with pure joy. We hugged and at that instant, every inch of my body tells me to never let go. This is my destination.  It has been a long wait. And now the wait is no more.

As soon as we got in the car, I pulled her close and kissed her weary lips. My hands caressing her cold cheek. She closed her eyes. We got lost in the moment. We got lost in each other’s arms.

Morning was still a blue juvenile when we board the ferry. From the inside, the ferry looked majestic and resilient. Huge steel beam intertwined and formed a rigid knit on the walls and ceiling. We stood on the front deck. As close to each other as permissible. I always like to watch the foam form as the salt water slushes under the ship’s bow. The dense South Channel breeze gushes through her long hair and they in turn brushes against my cheek. Leaving a lingering scent of jasmine and patchouli.

The hotel room was modest at best. A small 14inch TV greeted us as we opened the door. The wall shows signs of being recently painted. The carpet was Prussian blue and it mimicked the shades of the curtains. The walls near the bathroom were half covered with white tiles. A two bulbs chandelier hung from the white ceiling. The room is old yet dignified. It carries a lot of history and you can feel it all around you.

I rolled down the curtain. Emme stared at me from the white linen bed. I joined her under the sheets. I rubbed her tired shoulders and back. We claimed our overdue affections and slept away the afternoon. Contented.

When we finally woke up, it was already 2pm. A durian hunt was scheduled on that day. After a quick hot shower, we headed to Balik Pulau. Emme sported a blue spaghetti top and a blue striped ¾ pants. Exposing her shoulders and collar bones. She looked so fragile and small in them. Demanding protection. The season was near the end. Evident from the empty stalls that dotted the road side.  By the grace of God, we found our durian. A succulent D24 infamously nick named the “Musang King”. I promised Emme that we are going to have the durian with some sticky rice and coconut milk. The way both of us like to have our durian. So equipped with some sticky rice that I brought from home, we made our way to Batu Feringghi for a small picnic. We sat on a flat boulder that also served as our table. On the branches, crows waited for some incidentally unattended food like a small-size American Black Vulture.  The weather was scorching but somehow we were eating and laughing like it does not bother us at all. And everything was delicious. I think I did a second helping. No, third. And so did Emme.

When we got back to the hotel room, we were burning inside out. The heat from the durian was really kicking in. Full and exhausted we fell asleep in each other’s arm as soon as our heads hit the pillows.

Emme and I got up in a daze. It was dark and quiet. How long have we been asleep? 12 midnight. I have to look at my watch twice just to be sure. We stared at each other in disbelieve. We must be so tired to have been sleeping that long. We decided to go for a late supper at our favourite joint just 5 minutes away. Emme had on an exquisite cotton blouse the color of riped raspberries. They echoed her shimmering crimson lips. The blouse hugged her waistline and rest there. She always looks good in red. That night, she looked like the most beautiful woman in that restaurant. She invited curious glance from other patrons, men and women alike. But she didn’t seems to notice them. Her eyes were fixed on this girl, sitting right in front of her, talking and babbling about silly happenings and ridiculous doings. She was staring, adoringly, at me. No, I’m not lucky. I am blessed.

Morning came uninvited but not unforeseen.

Emme kissed me as soon as she opened her eyes. “Morning Sayang”, she uttered softly. I smiled an returned her kiss. She buried her head on my chest. I kissed her hair and held her close. God I love this girl so much. Please don’t let her leave.

The traffic down below was muffled by layers of old red brick building. Making them sound like they were miles away from us. We climbed to the 5^th floor for a breakfast at the Sky Garden. It had the most magnificent view of Georgetown. Old shophouses and cafes laid rows upon rows. Lining the streets and alleys. Komtar stood in the midst of everything. Like a loyal guard. We sat by the pool table. Emme toasted some bread for me. We had a chat by the balcony. Under the splendid Sunday sky, she looked so lovely.  I wished a kiss was possible there and then.

We checked out from the hotel and drove to Ropewalk. The weekend drew a lot of people coming looking for a bargain. We always come here for its cheap and abundant stock of used books. At 2 bucks a piece, we’ll be filling up our library in no time. After picking up some promising reads, we had a light breakfast of hokkien noodles at a Chinese Muslim stall just across the street. Is it just me or everything is just so delicious in Penang?

We arrived at my house that late afternoon. We laid silently on the bed. Wishing that there is some way that time could be stopped or prolonged. I promised Emme that I would come to her as soon as I could. She nodded yet tears started flowing from her sad eyes. She asked me to never let her go so I didn’t. Not until it’s really time to go.

It was drizzling when I sent her off to the station. The waiting area was surprisingly full with travellers. We were chatting and laughing. Trying to rub off the fact that she’s about to leave me. Then I heard that familiar sound. The train is here. We looked at each other. I forged a smile and reassured her that this is only temporary. I’ll get to her every chance I get. She took me into her arms and I told myself to be strong for her so I held my tears. This girl gave me so much happiness. She gave me feelings I had never felt before. Yes, we might not be able to see each other as much as we want to but her presence sums up years of relentless prayers – To love, and be loved in return.

Lullaby

Hollow

I can’t sleep, I can’t hide

I’ve fallen deep and running high

I’m bewitched, I am charmed

Hold my hands, they are numb

Endless nights away from you

Are like stabs on bleeding wound

And days stages my make believe

That you are among the faces I see

And all the highways and dusty streets

Are terribly hollow and awfully discreet

I’m surrounded but abandon

I’m talking but you’re too far to listen

Have mercy on this wretched fool

Trying hard to make it through

Pretending she’s strong and unscathed

She’s fooling nobody but herself

Save me Emme, come home soon

Resuscitate my heart, make them bloom

Never let me go, don’t say goodbye

You’re all I know, you’re everything that’s right

Here's to us

The window pane flickered in bright white lights. Cold dense breeze gushes from in between the openings and blew the drapes about in a chaotic fit. Outside, the trees succumbed to the rising tempest and sway submissively. Shedding leaves that brushes against the dry rust colored ground below.  The weather was restless and thick. A storm is brewing.

The room was kept dim intentionally. A 5 watt bulb that emanates feeblishly from the corner of the room reminds me of the warmth of the morning sun. I laid half awake on my half empty queen size bed. My mind wondered aimlessly but not far from whatever image, sounds and senses that surrounds my recollection of me and her. They flow unambiguously like drops of molten snow that flows into streams and lakes at the mercy of the approaching spring.

 The defiant cloud finally gave way and let out an unrelenting burst. The roof tiles roared as it receives the heavy shower. I pulled my blanket towards my chest. What is it about the rain that intensifies your longing for the conquering allure of a lover?

It’s been a year. My mind was trying to make sense of that. I calculated it in hours and days and months and came up with an insignificant sum of numbers. Numbers that fail miserably in explaining the significance of events like the nights I stayed awake with my arms around her  as the silent darkness eases into dawn that always came too soon.  Waiting for her to open her eyes again so our story could resume.

Or the time when we went to a retreat above the hills. It was drizzling as we made our way to the top. The road was narrow, winding and steep. That didn’t seem to bother the truck driver. He maneuvered carelessly and effortlessly up the aged asphalt trail. The hard rubber pushed dirt and pebbles down the deep ravine as it struggles for grips. The truck rattles and growls in protest. We held on to whatever that was within our reach. I held her arms. We were literally jumping about in the truck. Laughing hard. This felt like an adventure to us. Late afternoon, we sat at the edge of the hill, watching the sun descends where the horizon ends. I remembered swallows flying around us. Forming dark shadows as they flew over of the somnolent sun. I remembered staring at her beautiful, infiltrating eyes and praying for time to freeze just this one time.

And numbers can’t describe the sorrow of being away from her and the helplessness I felt of not being able to be there for her when life was being unkind and human was being….human.

I closed my eyes and move about on my bed, trying to run away from that thought. 
Then, I saw her again. She was wearing a white dress the color of salt water pearl. It complimented her curves and creases flawlessly. The dress train flows and trails her as she walked across the living room. She beamed with joy. I was ecstatic and amazed by this gorgeous creature that stood in front of me. I picked that dress just a day earlier, not knowing whether it will fit her or if she would like it. She turned to me and asked how the dress looked on her. Wide eyed, I somehow managed to smile and said, “Perfect sayang. You looked perfect”. She wrapped her arms around me. I gave her a kiss. “I guess we’ve found your wedding dress”.

The rain subsided into tiny droplets that made an almost hypnotic sound as it made its way down into the moss clad drain from the edge of the clay roof tiles.

As I drifted into my slumber I thank God for an answered prayers. Never have I been so happy in my life and never have I had someone loved me as much as she did. A year had passed since she gave me that first kiss. We have been through a lot of trials and tribulation. But looking back, I see nothing but two girls sitting on a boulder, at the edge of the hill, sharing a kiss.

Happy anniversary Emme Fabella. It has been a wonderful year. Thank you for having me.

I’m lucky to have been given the privilege to walk by your side.

Remember that you will always have all of Mea.

Here’s to us.

Wedding Gown Delivery

Cant wait to say ' I DO'.

Coffee

Sunday, 1.08am. The caffeine is really kicking in. I’m starting to regret surrendering to my sudden craving for coffee earlier. Here I am wide awake staring at my window panes where the dim streetlight cast streaks of shadows on my faux wool blanket. The whole world seems asleep. It suddenly felt empty. Untroubled. Muted by slumber. The only sound I hear is the ceiling fan turned full blast. The extremely hot and dry end-of-monsoon weather demands for extreme measures.

Emme is also presumably asleep. Some 300 miles away.

It’s been 21 days since the last time I saw her. Magnify that with how much my heart is yearning for her presence right now, I might as well add another 0 to that. No, make that two!

Keeping memories is definitely not my strongest virtue. Earlier today as I was about to leave for work, I left my car keys on the car roof, forgot about it, went back into the house and turn everything upside down looking for it. I end up using a spare key and drove the car all the way to the office with my keys dangling for dear life just on top of my absent minded head. It miraculously survived the ride which proves that Higher Power does exist and He is looking after me.

But someway….somehow, when I’m with Emme, I could remember every single thing that went on. Even the most minute detail. Her scent, how the cool November breeze brushes through her soft hair, how the sunset bounces off its ray on the lake and find itself reflected in her eyes, where we kiss for the first time, what was the weather like and her every move and touch. I could draw out a chronicle of it if I want to. Complete with timelines and maps that contains arrows with dotted lines to illustrate our exact movement. I don’t know how I am able to do this. Honestly, I surprised (and quietly congratulate) myself. I think, having been familiar with my less favourable attribute, Emme is equally surprised. And these memories, they haunt me. Wait, haunt is such a negative word. They uhmm…tease me. And on nights like these, they came in surges. Bringing some sort of dreamlike pleasures and also grief as soon as you 'exorcised' yourself from it. They could linger well through the night as they often did.

I guess, it wasn’t coffee that kept me awake at these ungodly hours after all.

When my mind started to actively ponder about her, the overwhelmingness (yes, that’s not an English word) of it all will prompt me to put into words  what was in mind as evident in the trails I left behind in this blog. Silly as it sounds, almost all the time it ‘quieted’ my mind down perhaps by providing some sort of distraction as I try to find the best word to ‘document’ my thoughts.

Through my writing, I try my absolute best to describe her. And how I felt about her. What was written was exactly how I see her. Time slowed down, butterflies flew about us, flocks of birds brought news that dawn is nigh. Yes, that’s exactly what happened. Everything is beautiful when Emme is around. I don’t know how to explain the way I feel. I guess some things are too good for words.

Some things you just have to live to believe.

By the way, note to self, no more coffee after 7pm!
(I know I’m going to forget this)

bundle of joy

A repetitive gentle pressure on my left cheek woke me up. I opened my eyes. My vision was blurry but kind enough to notice that it was still dark. Lights from the living room swarmed in through the bedroom door that was intentionally left slightly open. Creating a trickery of shadows and silhouettes on the white walls. How long have I been sleeping? The coldness I felt on my skin tells me that dawn is approaching. There’s that constant peck again. I shifted to my left to find Emme wide awake and smiling. She kissed me again. On my lips this time. “Hey baby. Good morning. I love you.” I return the gesture, pulled her into my arms and….return the gesture again.

We promised each other to wake up a bit early that morning so we could finish up baking the cookies. I looked at my watch – 4.00 am. Right on the dot. You can always count on Emme on these things. She’s always so enthusiastic and I’m always so….well to be fair, just a few steps behind. After her attempt to get me up was defeated by my plea for an extra 5 minutes (as usual), she went to the kitchen. I presume, for a headstart.

I lie on the bed and let out a contented smile. Little does she know, I’ve finished baking everything up while she was sleeping. I close my eyes, waiting for a shriek or a “Sayang, what have you done?!” or anything bearing an indication of a shock. Sure enough, as soon as Emme turn on the kitchen light, I heard a long silence and a fast paced footsteps coming towards the bedroom. Emme jumped on top of me (not literally) and said, “Baby what time did you sleep last night? I can’t believe you did this!” I said nothing and gave out a smile. She kissed me over and over.
And yes, I slept at 2.00 am, my back is killing me and I smell like a giant pack of Hershey’s but the look on her face and that kiss – priceless!

She pulled the blanket, held me so close that the edge of her temple touches my lips and we steal a few more hours of sleep.

Morning came not a minute too soon. We scurried out of bed and instinctively head to the kitchen. Cheesy as it sounds, the two cookie jars on the counter top, brought us some sort of a feeling of accomplishment. I hugged her from the back and we swayed from side to side as if dancing to an inaudible music as we kept our eyes fixed on the outcome of what we considered a long time dream came true.




Emme packed the cookies while I prepare the thank you notes. There was much laughter and giggles from our constant tease on each other. At times, I would poke her or tickle her because Emme is so dedicated and when she does something, she’ll get so immersed in what she’s doing and forget about her surrounding (i.e. Me!). Prying for attention, I would try anything just to get her to say something or to laugh – at my expense.




We drove to the post office to drop off the packages. Bound in brown papers and white strings. We smiled all the way. Pleased with our bundles and hoping that it would convey the same joy to the addressee. All 13 of them.

the Garden

The dawn succumbed to the subtle morning ray bearing the shades of gold ochre permeating through the creases in between the hills. The sky freed itself from the darkness in ocean blue suede sporadically decorated with pale white clouds that looked like handfuls of cotton flown around by the breeze. Drawing crowds of little brown birds flying in what seemed like an orchestrated display of bliss. The trees bordered our horizon in an endless patch of moss green fences. The leaves and grasses were still damp and idle as if hanging on to memories of the early morning dew. If you listen hard enough, you can hear the animals rouse each other up in a synchronized melody that only they can decipher. Under the grandeur of it all, I looked at her and realized that I am truly, blessed.

She held my hands tightly. Occasionally kissing them. The garden was filled with all kinds of people. She didn’t seem to care. We were being obvious and oblivious all at the same time. We dodged unfriendly stares and greeted friendly ones with a smile.

The thing that I love most about Emme, is her ability to resonate with my thoughts. And we can’t stop pouring our thoughts upon each other. Looking for common agreement and always finding them. We talked about our future and we adorn our imaginations with hopes of better things, sunny days and butterflies.

Emme is the kind of girl who treated you as though you are as fragile as a wine glass that needs extra dampering and pampering yet she held you up and made you believe that the things that you once thought impossible are just exactly that – mere thoughts. Put those aside and you can achieve anything, be anyone, go anywhere. It is with her that I witness how my life changes in a flash.

It always seems like life never failed to gratify her. She sees beauty in the smallest thing. Like a butterfly that briefly swirl around us or how the mist covers the hills on a delightful morning such as this. I felt privileged to have the pleasure of seeing the world from the eyes of this tiny girl who giggles and wonders at the sight of things people took for granted. Things we deem redundant.

We walked slowly around the garden passing by a dried up streams that loath for a promise of rain. The sun had moved beyond the trees. We made our way downhill. Back to where we begin.
As I gazed at her for probably the hundredth time this morning, I thank God that I’ve finally found who I am, in Emme.

Fairytale

Dear Emme,

It was not long ago when Mea was just Mea. A friend who tried so hard to be a stranger. Who tried to connect and dislodge when she think she’s gotten too close. Who seemed concern but didn’t seem to care enough. Who smiled and shy away. Whose affection and indifference intertwined into a confusion of misinterpreted intention and hazy hints. I know I bewildered you as much as I did myself. I was trying to lead you off the trails that I left behind. The breadcrumbs to my deepest secret. The one I could never let you know.
The simple truth - I love you

You were as real as anyone can be and as unreachable as the most farfetched fairytale. And I was so convinced that happily ever after was not meant for me.

Thank you for proving otherwise. Thank you for giving love a whole new meaning and happiness another chance.

You got me living on the edge of my seat. You got me excited about life again.

Happy birthday, Mea

29th December 2011, 10.15pm

The dinner by the lake was amazing. The diner was a full house as it always is every single night. Above us, the sky seemed draped in dark satin dotted with tiny specks of sparkling whites forming the constellation of Orion – The Hunter. Pulling his arrow valiantly across the universe in a quest for heavenly creatures. Little did he know, nothing is more heavenly than this creature closer to ground. Sitting right next to me. She was beaming with all the glory a woman could have. She smiles as she talks about life and how she goes about living it. I listened attentively. Admiring her grace and unique gestures. The way she moved her fingers in an attempt to accentuate each spoken words. And how her hair fell on her face every now and again. And every now and again, she would pause, look me straight in the eyes with the most endearing gaze and rest her hands on mine. That gave me butterflies – every single time. Fighting the urge to kiss her, I bit my lips instead.

We attend to our plates and kept talking until there were more empty chairs than there were people.

As Orion makes his way to the far horizon, we bade the lake goodnight.

Half past 11 pm. As we drove home, Emme made an abrupt request that we make one last stop at her office. I obliged. We went to the 10th Floor. I noticed that she wasn’t following the same path to her desk. Still, I followed unassumingly. One door led to another until we finally came to an open space somewhere at the edge of the building. There were trees and shrubs planted here. The cool breeze that blows bestowed some life on the greeneries. Down below cars were passing through the alleys in between the concrete maze. Streetlights offer some presentable view of what lays on the ground. A teak chair and table decorated an empty corner where I was asked to sit and wait. Emme disappeared and came back moments later holding a white box. Something was lit inside the box. The orange tinged light flickered on her face. “Surprise!” she said as she walked towards me. I just stand frozen like a wax statue. Mouth agape. I was speechless and flattered. She placed the pavlova right in front of me. I made a wish with my eyes closed and blew the candle. I pulled her closer. “Gosh sayang. I can’t believe you did this!” My voice was husky as I tried to hold my tears.
This time around, I didn’t make a wish for myself. I already have everything I need.

Wrapped in my arms right here on the 10th floor.


30th December 2011

The thin curtains filtered the morning sunlight. Mellowing it into welcoming warmth as it gets reflected on the bedroom walls. It brought along with it distant chirps of House Sparrows and Indian Mynas. Emme was still breathing deep. Her eyes closed. I traced her crimson lips with my fingers. An overwhelming feeling came over me. I shuddered. God, I love this girl so much. In this cold, deceitful world, this is the only thing I’m sure of. This is my remedy.

As she opened her eyes slowly, it was as if the whole room lighted up and the whole world quieted down. She smiled and kissed me instantaneously as though resuming a paused action from last night when she fell asleep. “Happy birthday sayang”, she whispered as her hands make their way around me. We laid in bed for a while longer.

Breakfast was brief. We packed our suitcase and head to the beach. It has been a while since our last vacation. Needless to say, we were extremely exhilarated. Our room was on the 7th floor. It was everything we hoped it would be and more. It offered more space than we needed. A door opened up to a miniature pool just inches from the bed. There was a small aisle by the side of the pool that leads to a balcony. From there all you can see is the wide open space where the Straits of Malacca meets the sizzling December sky. The afternoon sun penetrates and bounces all over the room creating a specter of mesmerizing patterns on the ceiling where the pool is. It was perfect.

We spent most of the time in the pool. Emme sported a dark blue bikini. I can’t believe how good she looked on those. Her curves were apparent. Her wet hair added a kind of sensuality to the whole look. She was absolutely gorgeous. We were having the time of our lives. The only thing that motivated us to get out of the pool is our primal hunger.

When the day was over, we went for a walk by the edge of the sea. The night was serene. I held her hands at all times. We talked about the past and our future plans. We talked about triumphs and defeats. We talked about hopes and dreams. But mostly, we talked about us. I told her I love her with everything I have and how I wish the night would never end. Under the moonless sky, we kissed and made an oath for eternity.

The sound of a door being closed woke me up from my momentary reverie.


The hallway is lined by neatly placed pale blue plastic chairs as though waiting for an audience to fill it up. The walls are dotted with cello tapes all yellowed and wrinkled by age. A reminder that something was put up there once. Something important for everyone to read and know. I sat somewhere in the middle. Looking at the opening at the end of the hallway where cars are passing by. It’s scorching hot out there. I’m glad I’m in the shades.

“Mea?” Someone peek through the creaking door and called my name. She could have just called me in since I’m the only one there. I could have answered sarcastically, “Mea who?” That would have been funny, wouldn’t it? But I shrugged off the thought, nodded and walk into the room quietly instead.

I sit in front of a middle age lady. Her hair was neat and the color of amber. She has pleasant eyes. She has the ability to speak through those eyes. To reassure people that everything’s going to be ok. And she knows it.

“So, Mea what can I do for you today?” She asked while reading a pink card that have been scribbled with the history of my previous visits. I told her I’ve been having this recurring fever and headaches. After some brief examination, she told me I have sinusitis and bronchitis. Bronchitis? That sounds serious. I made a mental note to google it later. “I’m going to give you a very strong antibiotic on top of your standard fever drugs. If your fever persists, please come back. We need to figure out a better regiment.” Regiment. Right. I don’t need a better regiment. I know what I need to get better. The only problem is, she’s hundreds of miles away.

Happy Birthday, Mea Fabella