To be loved by her
Is to comprehend yet wonder
To have questions answered with another
To be removed from all fear
To be so close but not quite near
To stand still and be blown away
To be saved from being astray
To see beauty in many forms
To rise beyond all norms
Like
A touch of color on black and grey
A streak of light on the darkest day
A scent of rose on my best silk
A summer bouquet freshly picked
Never shall I depart from this dream
Nor will I deny the way I feel
For I am deeply enthralled
By the beauty of it all
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
mocha cherry
Present day
Another spoonful of milk of magnesia. It suddenly occurred to me that the concoction has the appearance and consistency of a bird’s droppings. Yuck! I close my eyes trying to shove the thought away. I try instead imagining the mixture flowing down, covering the inner lining of my stomach. Curing whatever cut or abrasion that has been causing this unbearable pain. I’ve never been stabbed before but I reckon this is as close as it gets to one. It’s like being slashed from the inside. It’s been a while since my last gastritis. And this time they are back with reinforcement – fever and a splitting headache. Here I am crouching in the middle of the living room calling her name. Like a chant. If only she’s here. She’ll know what to do.
It’s amazing to think that just a few days ago Mea was up and running. It’s amazing how things could change in a split second. You’ll never know what tomorrow will throw on your doorstep. That’s a pretty scary thought.
Another spoonful of milk of magnesia. It suddenly occurred to me that the concoction has the appearance and consistency of a bird’s droppings. Yuck! I close my eyes trying to shove the thought away. I try instead imagining the mixture flowing down, covering the inner lining of my stomach. Curing whatever cut or abrasion that has been causing this unbearable pain. I’ve never been stabbed before but I reckon this is as close as it gets to one. It’s like being slashed from the inside. It’s been a while since my last gastritis. And this time they are back with reinforcement – fever and a splitting headache. Here I am crouching in the middle of the living room calling her name. Like a chant. If only she’s here. She’ll know what to do.
It’s amazing to think that just a few days ago Mea was up and running. It’s amazing how things could change in a split second. You’ll never know what tomorrow will throw on your doorstep. That’s a pretty scary thought.
_____________________________________________
Friday, 11.11.11
Work was overwhelming. Five meetings in one day, two reports and one presentation due next week. Not to mention a mountain of unresolved issues that depended upon Mea’s inexperienced wit. I think that sums up on my mental condition lately. It’s hard to put up a smile on days like these. I’m drained. I need a break. I need a big hug. I need a wet sloppy kiss. I need Emme.
Her days weren’t paradise either. She’s been working late. She’s got three events to organize in two months. Plus, she’s running a high fever. She could use a hug or two.
We both need each other. Badly.
9.29 pm. The bus was half an hour late. I was getting restless. The guy at the counter reassured me (for the third time) that the bus was in fact on its way. When it finally came, it brought a slight drizzle with it. There’s always something melancholic about drizzles. It felt like an allegory of despair and longing. Heaven’s rendition of misery. Or maybe it’s just me.
Four hours is how long it takes to arrive in her embrace. I told Emme to try and get some sleep. I’ll let her know when I’m almost there. The road will be too long and the bus too slow. As usual.
An hour past midnight. The weather was clear here. The moon was full. Engulfing everything along its path as it hovers towards the other side of the horizon. Turning them into a dull tinge of beige and grey. As my feet hit the tarmac, I immediately saw her waiting by the car. The moonlight shone from the background. Obscuring her into a shadowy outline of delicate shapes and curves. Something escaladed deep inside of me. Like a bubble waiting to burst. My smile came back. Here I am two steps away from my remedy. Emme spread her arms. “Oh baby, I miss you so much”, I said as I plunged into her. “You’re here”, Emme whispered into my ears. Her eyes were puffy and her skin was burning. She’s still feverish.
As we laid on the bed, arms knitted around each other, I was in disbelieve that I’m actually here. It felt like a dream. It always does. Emme kissed me. Almost continuously. She reassured me that everything’s going to be ok. I promised her the same. And just like that, I forgot about all my troubles. I forgot about work and the life I left behind. Report? What report?
Friday, 11.11.11
Work was overwhelming. Five meetings in one day, two reports and one presentation due next week. Not to mention a mountain of unresolved issues that depended upon Mea’s inexperienced wit. I think that sums up on my mental condition lately. It’s hard to put up a smile on days like these. I’m drained. I need a break. I need a big hug. I need a wet sloppy kiss. I need Emme.
Her days weren’t paradise either. She’s been working late. She’s got three events to organize in two months. Plus, she’s running a high fever. She could use a hug or two.
We both need each other. Badly.
9.29 pm. The bus was half an hour late. I was getting restless. The guy at the counter reassured me (for the third time) that the bus was in fact on its way. When it finally came, it brought a slight drizzle with it. There’s always something melancholic about drizzles. It felt like an allegory of despair and longing. Heaven’s rendition of misery. Or maybe it’s just me.
Four hours is how long it takes to arrive in her embrace. I told Emme to try and get some sleep. I’ll let her know when I’m almost there. The road will be too long and the bus too slow. As usual.
An hour past midnight. The weather was clear here. The moon was full. Engulfing everything along its path as it hovers towards the other side of the horizon. Turning them into a dull tinge of beige and grey. As my feet hit the tarmac, I immediately saw her waiting by the car. The moonlight shone from the background. Obscuring her into a shadowy outline of delicate shapes and curves. Something escaladed deep inside of me. Like a bubble waiting to burst. My smile came back. Here I am two steps away from my remedy. Emme spread her arms. “Oh baby, I miss you so much”, I said as I plunged into her. “You’re here”, Emme whispered into my ears. Her eyes were puffy and her skin was burning. She’s still feverish.
As we laid on the bed, arms knitted around each other, I was in disbelieve that I’m actually here. It felt like a dream. It always does. Emme kissed me. Almost continuously. She reassured me that everything’s going to be ok. I promised her the same. And just like that, I forgot about all my troubles. I forgot about work and the life I left behind. Report? What report?
Emme’s fever was getting better. We spent the day doing the things we love. We cuddled, we cooked, we watched movies, we went for a drive, came home and cuddled some more. We had dinner at a nice restaurant. I love the food. It’s been quite sometime since I helped myself to a proper meal.
We talked about people, work and us. I told Emme I’m going to try and get a job near Malacca so we can live together. Emme was so excited with the idea. “Come soon”, she said shifting to the edge of her seat. I nodded. Vigorously.
Right after dinner we drove back home. Emme was indulging on some ice cream we bought at a gas station somewhere along the way. The sky was clear. I said to Emme, “Sayang, come lie on my lap so you can watch the stars”. She looked at me for a moment and did just that. I hold the steering wheel with one hand and wrap another around her. “I didn’t know you can do this”, she said while looking up the sky as if she saw it for the first time. I gave away a contented smile and slowed the car. Trying to prolong the moment. After a while I noticed Emme wasn’t looking at the sky anymore. She was staring at me. That caught me off guard. I think I blushed.
Every time we see each other, it always felt like we’re in a race. Against time. Against our busy schedule. And we’re always on the losing team. Days became hours. Hours reduced into unforgiving minutes. During breakfast, we kept looking at the clock. We didn’t utter a word. We just stare at each other blankly. The sadness that was put on hold when I arrived a few days ago came rushing back in.
We laid on the bed. Another hour and Mea will have to leave. I held her tight. Trying to freeze the moment into my mind like polaroids. For later use.
As I board my ride, it felt like part of me refused to leave. Part of me wants to stay forever in the warmth of her grace. Part of me rebelled to the idea of goodbyes. I fought with these emotions every time. And I could never offer myself a strong argument. Then again, is it possible to reason with your heart?
I took a deep breath. Time to go.
There’s that drizzle again…
Friday, November 04, 2011
All The Lonely People
The bus drove on. Emme was following not far behind. Is she chasing after me? Perhaps she was trying to steal one final glimpse. Another wave goodbye. My heart sank. She looked so tiny in that driver’s seat. Sad and alone. We part as she made a left turn and I went the opposite way.
I kept asking myself why I have to leave. Don’t we have the power to do what we want now? Now that we’ve grown up and had minds of our own? Huh, stop being silly Mea. Two mature, working adults, remember?
As the bus makes its way through the dark cold asphalt, I lower the seat and close my eyes. Without mercy, images of her came gushing in into my mind wave upon wave. I was quickly taken back to a morning just a few days ago. I remembered her smile. The smile she made as she opened her eyes. The smile she made as soon as she saw me. Her beautiful dark hazel eyes squinting from the sudden rush of the morning sunlight. Her delicate fingers caressing my cheek. She pulled me close and whispered her love for me. And I confessed mine. That’s our little ritual. Every single morning.
We had the weekends all to ourselves. That’s a rare luxury we both understood well and always try to make full use of. Emme wanted to take me to this bootsale and maybe catch some dinner with a few good friends later. And of course, that sounds like a very good plan. Anywhere with Emme is a good place to be.
We decided to travel with public transports. “We’d see more this way”, I told Emme. We took a bus and sit at the far end of it. Emme was naughty and playful, as usual. Teasing me. Even occasionally singing and moving about to the music which was playing on the speaker. We laughed and laughed. Two goofools back in action.
Excited as she was, Emme was showing signs of fatigue. She came back from a hiking trip just a day before and I think she hasn’t fully recovered although she managed to convince me that she was. She said she really wanted to show me the bootsale. This is the place she shops for books and CDs. Including some that she lent me.
I immediately fell in love with the place. It’s a heaven for book lovers and bargain hunters like us. It’s amazing how not so many people knew about it. Emme was all over the place. Grabbing my arms and hastily taking me from one shop to another. She’s been telling me about this place for so long but now that she got me here, she can’t decide which one is more interesting to show to me than the other. Anyway, we end up not buying anything but I’m going to come back. Definitely.
Later we rode a train and moved further into the stony maze to meet our friends. Emme’s condition had worsened at this point. Her hands and feet were sweaty and cold as ice. She kept telling me she felt nauseous. I was getting worried but my attempt to persuade her to just go home was met by her persistence to keep going. So we kept going.
While having dinner, Emme excused herself to the ladies room. I followed her right into the toilet where she vomited. I rubbed her back until she stops convulsing. She sat on the toilet seat as I held her. Poor thing. We should have stayed at home. As her complexion came back and she felt better, we began to realize that we were locked together in a public bathroom full of people. We stared at each other for a minute or two. Trying to figure out how to get out of there when we both already knew there’s only one way in and out. We gave each other a smile then Emme said, highbrow, “Let’s do this”. We rushed out surprising a few people who were waiting for a vacant toilet. Gosh, they must've think that we’re making out in there. We would - if Emme weren’t sick.
She finally surrendered so we took another train and head home. While waiting at the station, she went pale and blue again. She can’t even walk anymore. I was in a state of panic and was contemplating whether I should call for an ambulance. She said it was unnecessary because she’s just exhausted. We sat on a bench and I asked Emme to lie down on my lap. I massaged her head and pray for the train to come soon. Needless to say, we attracted a lot of queer stare from other patrons. I have no concern over those. All I care about is her and why the train is taking so bloody long.
When we finally got home, she was totally worn out and shivering. She kept apologizing. She felt like she had ruined the evening. I told her, “Don’t say sorry baby. I had a great time. Thank you for taking me to these places. You’re pushing yourself too hard. Next time let’s just rest at home if we’re too tired, okay?” Emme gave a weak nod.
As she laid half conscious on the bed, I rubbed medicated oil on her. Her hands were still cold. So were her feet. Her muscles were as stiff as a rock. I went on and only stopped when her fingers felt warmer than mine. I gave her a goodnight kiss and covered her bare back with a thick blanket. She was breathing deeply. Rest sweetie. It’s been an awfully long day. I closed the door and went to the study room to do some reading. Somehow, tired as I was, I can’t sleep. Must be the adrenaline from what happened earlier that evening.
The book was about a lady detective in Botswana. I think I managed to read a couple of pages before I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up sometime later to find Emme at the door, covered in blankets. She said in a husky voice, “I woke up and you weren’t there. So I went looking for you”. I don’t know why but something inside me swelled up. Must be my motherly instinct. She needs me. I gave her a hug and we went to bed. Arms wrapped in each other. “I’m here darling”.
When I opened my eyes, the sky was a beautiful tone of Prussian blue. The sun’s up. Emme was still sleeping. She had her arms around me still. Her face touching mine. In the serenity of the early dawn, I talked to Him;
“Dear God, please protect her when I’m not around. Please guard her when she’s unaware. Keep her safe until my return. Bestowed her with as much love as she had given on others and on me. I don’t mean to offend you but this is the person I love”. Tears flowed from my eyes. I quickly wipe them so they won’t fall on Emme and woke her up. But she did anyway. She asked, “Sayang, were you talking in your sleep?” I just smiled and kiss her forehead.
The day felt like déjà-vu. Clothes were hesitantly stuffed into the backpack ready to be sent off to where it came from. Along with its owner. Emme sat at the corner of the room hugging her knees while I get dressed. I know that look. It’s the why-do-you-have-to-go look. If there’s an award for the moment I hate the most, this must be it. And second place would go to the final hug at the bus station. Which came in succession not long after.
But this time, no tears came from our eyes. Just like I promised. We laughed from the moment we met up until I throw her a butterfly kiss from the bus.
The engines starts but I’m not ready to go…..
_____________________________________________
300km from Emme
Here I am alone again. Back to square one. Watching the hills as the sun bathe the tree top and replenish them back to their former glory. Missing the girl I kissed just yesterday. The Beatles’ Eleanor Rigby was playing on the radio. Singing my heart again, as always;
All the lonely people where do they all come from…..All the lonely people where do they all belong….
Perhaps Mea never left. Perhaps somewhere in the ripple of space and time, Mea and Emme are still there, under the blanket. Fingers weaved in one another. Chatting and kissing the night away…
I kept asking myself why I have to leave. Don’t we have the power to do what we want now? Now that we’ve grown up and had minds of our own? Huh, stop being silly Mea. Two mature, working adults, remember?
As the bus makes its way through the dark cold asphalt, I lower the seat and close my eyes. Without mercy, images of her came gushing in into my mind wave upon wave. I was quickly taken back to a morning just a few days ago. I remembered her smile. The smile she made as she opened her eyes. The smile she made as soon as she saw me. Her beautiful dark hazel eyes squinting from the sudden rush of the morning sunlight. Her delicate fingers caressing my cheek. She pulled me close and whispered her love for me. And I confessed mine. That’s our little ritual. Every single morning.
We had the weekends all to ourselves. That’s a rare luxury we both understood well and always try to make full use of. Emme wanted to take me to this bootsale and maybe catch some dinner with a few good friends later. And of course, that sounds like a very good plan. Anywhere with Emme is a good place to be.
We decided to travel with public transports. “We’d see more this way”, I told Emme. We took a bus and sit at the far end of it. Emme was naughty and playful, as usual. Teasing me. Even occasionally singing and moving about to the music which was playing on the speaker. We laughed and laughed. Two goofools back in action.
Excited as she was, Emme was showing signs of fatigue. She came back from a hiking trip just a day before and I think she hasn’t fully recovered although she managed to convince me that she was. She said she really wanted to show me the bootsale. This is the place she shops for books and CDs. Including some that she lent me.
I immediately fell in love with the place. It’s a heaven for book lovers and bargain hunters like us. It’s amazing how not so many people knew about it. Emme was all over the place. Grabbing my arms and hastily taking me from one shop to another. She’s been telling me about this place for so long but now that she got me here, she can’t decide which one is more interesting to show to me than the other. Anyway, we end up not buying anything but I’m going to come back. Definitely.
Later we rode a train and moved further into the stony maze to meet our friends. Emme’s condition had worsened at this point. Her hands and feet were sweaty and cold as ice. She kept telling me she felt nauseous. I was getting worried but my attempt to persuade her to just go home was met by her persistence to keep going. So we kept going.
While having dinner, Emme excused herself to the ladies room. I followed her right into the toilet where she vomited. I rubbed her back until she stops convulsing. She sat on the toilet seat as I held her. Poor thing. We should have stayed at home. As her complexion came back and she felt better, we began to realize that we were locked together in a public bathroom full of people. We stared at each other for a minute or two. Trying to figure out how to get out of there when we both already knew there’s only one way in and out. We gave each other a smile then Emme said, highbrow, “Let’s do this”. We rushed out surprising a few people who were waiting for a vacant toilet. Gosh, they must've think that we’re making out in there. We would - if Emme weren’t sick.
She finally surrendered so we took another train and head home. While waiting at the station, she went pale and blue again. She can’t even walk anymore. I was in a state of panic and was contemplating whether I should call for an ambulance. She said it was unnecessary because she’s just exhausted. We sat on a bench and I asked Emme to lie down on my lap. I massaged her head and pray for the train to come soon. Needless to say, we attracted a lot of queer stare from other patrons. I have no concern over those. All I care about is her and why the train is taking so bloody long.
When we finally got home, she was totally worn out and shivering. She kept apologizing. She felt like she had ruined the evening. I told her, “Don’t say sorry baby. I had a great time. Thank you for taking me to these places. You’re pushing yourself too hard. Next time let’s just rest at home if we’re too tired, okay?” Emme gave a weak nod.
As she laid half conscious on the bed, I rubbed medicated oil on her. Her hands were still cold. So were her feet. Her muscles were as stiff as a rock. I went on and only stopped when her fingers felt warmer than mine. I gave her a goodnight kiss and covered her bare back with a thick blanket. She was breathing deeply. Rest sweetie. It’s been an awfully long day. I closed the door and went to the study room to do some reading. Somehow, tired as I was, I can’t sleep. Must be the adrenaline from what happened earlier that evening.
The book was about a lady detective in Botswana. I think I managed to read a couple of pages before I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up sometime later to find Emme at the door, covered in blankets. She said in a husky voice, “I woke up and you weren’t there. So I went looking for you”. I don’t know why but something inside me swelled up. Must be my motherly instinct. She needs me. I gave her a hug and we went to bed. Arms wrapped in each other. “I’m here darling”.
When I opened my eyes, the sky was a beautiful tone of Prussian blue. The sun’s up. Emme was still sleeping. She had her arms around me still. Her face touching mine. In the serenity of the early dawn, I talked to Him;
“Dear God, please protect her when I’m not around. Please guard her when she’s unaware. Keep her safe until my return. Bestowed her with as much love as she had given on others and on me. I don’t mean to offend you but this is the person I love”. Tears flowed from my eyes. I quickly wipe them so they won’t fall on Emme and woke her up. But she did anyway. She asked, “Sayang, were you talking in your sleep?” I just smiled and kiss her forehead.
The day felt like déjà-vu. Clothes were hesitantly stuffed into the backpack ready to be sent off to where it came from. Along with its owner. Emme sat at the corner of the room hugging her knees while I get dressed. I know that look. It’s the why-do-you-have-to-go look. If there’s an award for the moment I hate the most, this must be it. And second place would go to the final hug at the bus station. Which came in succession not long after.
But this time, no tears came from our eyes. Just like I promised. We laughed from the moment we met up until I throw her a butterfly kiss from the bus.
The engines starts but I’m not ready to go…..
_____________________________________________
300km from Emme
Here I am alone again. Back to square one. Watching the hills as the sun bathe the tree top and replenish them back to their former glory. Missing the girl I kissed just yesterday. The Beatles’ Eleanor Rigby was playing on the radio. Singing my heart again, as always;
All the lonely people where do they all come from…..All the lonely people where do they all belong….
Perhaps Mea never left. Perhaps somewhere in the ripple of space and time, Mea and Emme are still there, under the blanket. Fingers weaved in one another. Chatting and kissing the night away…
Monday, October 24, 2011
2 sunrises to Emme
Sunday. Another cold morning in this awfully empty house. It rained heavily last night and a few nights before. From my window, I can see the mist shrouding the hills. The morning breeze eases in. Ushering the fog and spreading it on the lowlands. The adolescent sunlight peeked through and flooded the empty spaces in between. It’s a beautiful morning. I wish Emme is here to see it.
It’s true what they say. Sometimes silence can be deafening. Loneliness screams from within you like a child throwing a tantrum. I hate how every noise echoed in this house. Especially my own voice. But I must say it makes a good effect when I played my guitar. I think it is called the reverberation effect. Each chord is reflected back and forth on the walls. Amplifying it. Accentuating it. Making me feel like I’m performing in a stadium or something. Zero audience of course.
For some reason, I can’t play in front of Emme. My palms will get all sweaty and I’ll lost memories of lyrics and chords. I get nervous when she’s looking attentively at me, listening. Perhaps I’m afraid I might slip and screw up. Oh the pressure of it all! I’ve tried taping it but somehow I’m still nervous thinking that she is going to watch this later on anyway. Maybe soon when I got used to plucking and strumming in her presence, I would be less restless. But for now, practice practice practice.
Distance does makes the heart grew fonder. I have no argument in that whatsoever. But it could also sink you deep in your own despair. Life is not always as bright as today’s sunshine. When life rain on your parade, you yearn for that comfort. That genuine human touch. And not just from anybody. From the only person you knew who really cared. Phone calls, texts, webcams and emails they lack that essence. They can sometimes even worsen the pain. I always told Emme, webcams are worse than medieval torture device. You can look but you cannot touch. So near yet so far. It’s like living in dungeons – with WiFi.
Another 2 sunrises to Emme. That’s my only consolation right now. That’s my spark of hope. I have a destination. Somewhere to go. Someone to hold. Lips to kiss. In 2 days. In 2 long days.
I haven’t even arrived but I’m already thinking about the pain of parting. It’s imminent. No point denying that fact. Perhaps I’m just trying to prepare myself which is a good thing. I won’t let Emme see my tears. Not this time.
It’s true what they say. Sometimes silence can be deafening. Loneliness screams from within you like a child throwing a tantrum. I hate how every noise echoed in this house. Especially my own voice. But I must say it makes a good effect when I played my guitar. I think it is called the reverberation effect. Each chord is reflected back and forth on the walls. Amplifying it. Accentuating it. Making me feel like I’m performing in a stadium or something. Zero audience of course.
For some reason, I can’t play in front of Emme. My palms will get all sweaty and I’ll lost memories of lyrics and chords. I get nervous when she’s looking attentively at me, listening. Perhaps I’m afraid I might slip and screw up. Oh the pressure of it all! I’ve tried taping it but somehow I’m still nervous thinking that she is going to watch this later on anyway. Maybe soon when I got used to plucking and strumming in her presence, I would be less restless. But for now, practice practice practice.
Distance does makes the heart grew fonder. I have no argument in that whatsoever. But it could also sink you deep in your own despair. Life is not always as bright as today’s sunshine. When life rain on your parade, you yearn for that comfort. That genuine human touch. And not just from anybody. From the only person you knew who really cared. Phone calls, texts, webcams and emails they lack that essence. They can sometimes even worsen the pain. I always told Emme, webcams are worse than medieval torture device. You can look but you cannot touch. So near yet so far. It’s like living in dungeons – with WiFi.
Another 2 sunrises to Emme. That’s my only consolation right now. That’s my spark of hope. I have a destination. Somewhere to go. Someone to hold. Lips to kiss. In 2 days. In 2 long days.
I haven’t even arrived but I’m already thinking about the pain of parting. It’s imminent. No point denying that fact. Perhaps I’m just trying to prepare myself which is a good thing. I won’t let Emme see my tears. Not this time.
Last time we said goodbye, we were crying like hell. Emme was wiping her tears with one hand and mine with another. We kissed our last kiss as tears trickled down our cheek. It was heart wrenching leaving her like that. I felt guilty about having to leave but like Emme always said, “We have responsibilities. We’re two mature, working adults”. I must admit, I can’t completely agree with her on that. Working adults? Yes. But mature? Not yet. Getting there. And doing a lousy job at that.
I can’t wait for this day to be over. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I can’t wait for Monday and Tuesday. Each day that ended brings me closer to her. We are going to pick up where we left off. Make up for lost time. Resume impeded affection. I am going to find my way back to Emme.
I can’t wait for this day to be over. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I can’t wait for Monday and Tuesday. Each day that ended brings me closer to her. We are going to pick up where we left off. Make up for lost time. Resume impeded affection. I am going to find my way back to Emme.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Part 2
"Ticket miss..."
The train conductor half whispered from the walkway. We jumped out of our skin. Simultaneously untangling ourselves from each other. Staring at her wide eyed, I put my index finger on my lips. As a sign of mutual understanding, Emme nodded and spontaneously did the same.
“TICKET MISS...”
I scrambled for the piece of thick glossy paper which at that moment felt like the most important document on earth. Still hiding behind the curtains, I handed the ticket through a small slit.
The conductor mumbled something. I sensed urgency in his voice so I poked my head through the curtains. Squinting.
"Sorry Sir?"
"There's a flood in Sungai Buloh and the train won't be able to get through. We might have to get off at Tanjung Malim and get on a bus from there", the conductor repeats himself patiently. Then he went on his way. Asking for tickets and uttering the same statement over and over again like a pre-recorded tape.
I looked at Emme and said, "are you up for an adventure?!!"
She said nothing, pulled me into her arms and closed the curtains…
We slept on the same narrow bunker. Her head rested on my chest. Her lips almost touching my cheek. I can feel her heartbeat vibrates my skin, resonates through my veins and crashes with mine. We were lying in an uncomfortable position but to have her hands around me and to be able to listen to her deep breathing, I won’t trade it for any king size bed. However, I woke up around an hour later to find myself sleeping alone. I immediately went to look for her. She had moved to the opposite bed. Poor thing. She was crouching because half of the bed was filled with our bulky backpacks. Deep in sleep. I kissed her full lips and pulled the blanket over her. She looked like a sculpture frozen in time. Gosh, she looked good even in her sleep. I always wondered how she managed to do that.
The train conductor half whispered from the walkway. We jumped out of our skin. Simultaneously untangling ourselves from each other. Staring at her wide eyed, I put my index finger on my lips. As a sign of mutual understanding, Emme nodded and spontaneously did the same.
“TICKET MISS...”
I scrambled for the piece of thick glossy paper which at that moment felt like the most important document on earth. Still hiding behind the curtains, I handed the ticket through a small slit.
The conductor mumbled something. I sensed urgency in his voice so I poked my head through the curtains. Squinting.
"Sorry Sir?"
"There's a flood in Sungai Buloh and the train won't be able to get through. We might have to get off at Tanjung Malim and get on a bus from there", the conductor repeats himself patiently. Then he went on his way. Asking for tickets and uttering the same statement over and over again like a pre-recorded tape.
I looked at Emme and said, "are you up for an adventure?!!"
She said nothing, pulled me into her arms and closed the curtains…
We slept on the same narrow bunker. Her head rested on my chest. Her lips almost touching my cheek. I can feel her heartbeat vibrates my skin, resonates through my veins and crashes with mine. We were lying in an uncomfortable position but to have her hands around me and to be able to listen to her deep breathing, I won’t trade it for any king size bed. However, I woke up around an hour later to find myself sleeping alone. I immediately went to look for her. She had moved to the opposite bed. Poor thing. She was crouching because half of the bed was filled with our bulky backpacks. Deep in sleep. I kissed her full lips and pulled the blanket over her. She looked like a sculpture frozen in time. Gosh, she looked good even in her sleep. I always wondered how she managed to do that.
It's 4.30 in the morning and we received the imminent wake up call from the conductor. I was so tired and sleepy, I couldn't even stand up straight. Then Emme shoot a smile down my way and just like that, I came back to life. She needs me. I need to stay strong and alert for my girl.
The buses were already waiting at the station when we arrived. It was a tangy orange standard issue school bus. The drivers looked so pleased to see us. I reckoned the train company must be paying them good money to come and fetch people in such short notice. In these ungodly hours, they were the only people in the bus who were smiling.
We stuffed our backpacks which now seemed to weight like a mountain of bricks into the side compartment and went on the bus. We slammed our aching behind on the nearest unoccupied seats and let out a long sigh. I held her hands and as soon as the driver turned off the cabin light, gave her a kiss on the cheek. She smiled and lean on my shoulder. The bus drove on. Emme fell asleep almost immediately. I watched her as the yellow streetlight shone through the glass window and flickered on her face. Making it appear and dissapear. Hypnotizing me. Her face soon faded as I followed her into slumber.
When I opened my eyes, the sun had already peeked through the horizon. Changing the colour of the dark sky into a vague layer of pale yellow and blue. We're here.
We took another bus to get to the lodge. It was an old run down bus. All dusty and rickety. It must have been around for ages. If the bus can talk, it will probably say “hey, been there, done that”. The engine was so loud it felt like we’re sitting in the turbine of a Boeing. But other than that slight discomfort, the ride was incredible. The driver was friendly and the view along the way was great.
The lodge that we’re about to stay in is a two stories family run shophouse-turned-backpackers motel. The lodge sat comfortably on the riverbank. From the architecture, it must be at least 50 years old. The owner of the place, William, spoke in quite a peculiar manner. Starting every conversation with a long ‘Hello’ that sounds like a cockatoo (sorry William!).
(Emme and I still joke around about his peculiar greetings. Emme is good at imitating his unique ‘Hello’.)
As we entered, he was talking on the phone. We sat and waited on the sofa and made ourselves at home.
“Hulloooooooooo”
“Hi, I’m Mea. I’ve made a reservation.” I said only after a few hellos from William because we thought he was still talking on the phone.
After filling up the forms he gave us our key and the passcode to open the front entrance. One of the staff, Jimmy gave us a map and briefs us on where we should go, what to eat, what to look out for and all the ‘touristy’ stuff.
Our room has no window. Just four thick white walls with one heavy door and two single beds. If you close the door and turn off the lights, you couldn’t see 2 inches in front of your face. But it’s ok. We only need the room to sleep so the darker the better. The only thing is, our room is just 3 feet from the reception. So during our 2 days stay, we have to be very careful not to make any ‘queer’ sound and since the bathroom is a shared bathroom, it’s quite embarrassing to have to pass by the reception each morning to get a shower looking like…well, looking like you just got up from bed. Messy hair, crumpled shirt, super short boxers…no bra.
The lodge has its own resident pet named One One (or is it spelled Wan Wan?). She’s the cutest little furball. She’s got this big pendant on her neck which looked so heavy but she doesn’t seem to mind (If I’m a cat, I would be annoyed). They must be her good luck charm. We played with her every time we got the chance to. Gosh, I miss One One so much. She reminded me of happier days.
Emme wore a pink summer dress that afternoon. The most gorgeous dress I had ever seen. The bottom seam ends just where her leg ends. The dress matches the smile. Perfecto.
We walked around town. Hands clasped. People were staring at us but we never let go. Just as we passed by the museum, a taxi driver complimented her smile. I feel a sudden rush of pride. This girl has a smile that could light up the whole town and she’s with me. I don’t usually believe in coincidence and luck but fate couldn’t be this generous. So I’ll give an exception for this one. I’m lucky.
We went to this famous diner for some French Crêpe. Chocolate Banana and Original. It was delicious. So delicious that we actually went again the next day and ate double the helpings. If there’s such a thing as a sudden Crêpe addiction, we’re showing all the symptoms. And that’s not the only thing we piled into our poor tummy. We also had some incredibly tasty beef soup and tomyam. I must say, it’s very surprising to be able to hit homeruns on great food in this city because we were only expecting something edible in the beginning. We are starting to wonder what else the city got hidden under its sleeves.
The trip turned out to be better than expected. Way better. Even better than the previous state. We’re having the time of our lives. There we were, two young women in love walking in a city full of people. Careless and free. And there she was. The girl I love. Strolling right beside me. Talking about this and that. Throwing gestures and face expressions as she travels from one topic to another. And I did or said nothing but just stare at her with an admiring smile. Under the charm of this beautiful lady, I was taken away from the bustling traffic and the crowd. I can see and hear only her. Everything else just sunk below hearing and visible range.
It’s late. We walked along the cobbled pavement by the river. Emme laid on the bench under the dim streetlight. Our feet were sore from walking since early afternoon. The night was warm and calm. There were no stars or moon. Just a charcoal black sky. A reggae song was playing from a nearby café. Something about love and sunset. I put two fingers on my lips and transferred an imaginary kiss on hers. She took it with a smile. She deserves a real kiss. Soon. As soon as we’re alone.
The night crept away right under our noses. The whole town went silent. We retreated to our room. For a kiss and a good night sleep.
The dreaded dawn came uninvited and unforgiving. Shoving us away from this town and back to where we came from. We took a morning walk around town. A farewell walk. Pledging a quiet promise to come back again. I felt sad about leaving. I felt like as soon as we left, the city is going to forget about us. We haven’t even left but I missed this place already.
William wasn’t around when we took off that morning so we just left the key on the table and stick a thank you note on the notice board. Along with numerous notes from other travelers.
We had a great time. Will definitely come again! Thanks so much
P/S: One One please be good
Luv,
Mea and Emme
Early afternoon, we took the same rickety bus back to Emme’s place.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
before goodbyes - Part 1
Prologue
1.45pm
I woke up to the heat of the high noon. In disbelieve that I'm back at this place. Back where I started again. Far from her. From home. The backpack is slumped by the door. I don't even have the will to unpack. Maybe it's a good idea not to. Who knows, I might be heading back to her tomorrow. Hey, maybe even this very afternoon. Gosh, stop kidding yourself Mea. You just got back not 6 hours ago.
Still, I'll unpack later. Much later.
I looked at the red checkers shirt hanged by the window. Emme gave me that shirt. I've been hugged in that shirt. Kissed just above the collar. The sleeves was once held dearly by someone. It has gone where Emme is. And now it's just hanging there. Lifeless. But I'm not suprised.
Everything seems lifeless when she's not around.
My mind is trying very hard to adjust to the abrupt changes in my routine.
No kisses in the morning. No gentle rub on my back. No cuddling on the sofa.
No smooth swaying to the music. No hands to hold. No sound of her laughter.
No big silly grin on my face.
Just me and this steady flow of grief from my tired eyes.
I feel like a miniseries is running in my head. Big stashes of memories came rolling in. Hitting me like a a full speed steel locomotive.
Was yesterday a dream? Whatever it was, today surely feels like a nightmare...
__________________________________________________
10 days before goodbyes
My bag must be weighing not less than a tonne and I don't feel a thing. My palms are so sweaty I think it's dripping all over the floor. I kept reminding myself to breathe and exhale. Wait, isn't breathing supposed to be spontaneous? Oh Mea, why do you have to be such a nervous wreck?
The airport is an enormous place full of people coming from somewhere and going to another. And it felt like an even bigger place when you're waiting at the departure hall scanning every faces that walked by you hoping that one of them is the one you're waiting for. I fixed my stare at the rectangular opening on the glass wall. In just a few minutes, Emme will be walking through there. I didn't even blink. Can't risk missing her. Every once in a while I took a quick, micro-second glance at the time. Each time knocking the display glass with the tip of my finger. Either my watch is running out of battery or time is slowing down.
Emme, where are you?
Then, in the crowd of strange foreign unfamiliar faces, I saw someone I know. I saw someone I love. She's here.
From where I'm standing, she looked amazing. She looked more beautiful than the last time we met.
I know this sounds silly, but I've practiced this how-to-greet-her moves days in advance. The objective is to sport a cool but excited look in one go. But just as expected, as soon as I saw her face, all those rehearsal just went down the drain. All I can manage to put up is a smile and a 'hi'. We walked while staring at each other and fighting the urge to kiss. Risking tripping on our own feet or any obstacles in front of us. Slicing through a maze of people that storms in opposite direction. Making our way to the exit.
The plan is to go backpacking across 2 different states. We've been talking about going on such trips for so long. I'm so glad we finally got the opportunity to actually make it happen and thrilled is too small a word to describe how excited we are. We are literally beaming with exhiliration and I think it's apparent to everyone at the airport.
I rented a motorbike. We both agreed that since this is a backpacking trip, we should limit our means of transportation to buses, bikes and our 2 feet. No cars, taxis or anything that spells out luxury and expels any sense of adventure. So I rented a 110cc white Honda. This will be our ride for the next 2 days.
The clouds were gray and unsettling. Thunder echoed from above like a heavenly wrath. Just as I was fastening her helmet, it started to rain. And before long, it poured. We were soaked down to our undies!
I asked her, teasingly, "So what do you think of our trip so far?".
She paused, smiled, pushing out rain water that kept flowing into her mouth and said, "It's OK". I laughed.
What a way to start a trip!
We took shelter at a bus stop and sat close to each other. Sharing body heat. The rain showed no sign of giving up. I held her freezing hands. If not for the people who were sharing the same bus stop, I would have kissed her wet lips.
As soon as the rain dwindled into drizzles, we hurried to the hotel.
The place has got an 80's feel to it. The people there were kind. The room was suprisingly spacious compared to what we paid for. Not much of a view from the window except for a narrow street below and a red brick wall from a nearby building.
I looked at Emme and eases my steps towards her. I traced her soft lips with my fingers. They are the colour of a Burmese Ruby. Warm and inviting. Something mounts inside of me. I drew her closer. We kissed. Finally. And her kiss was so overwhelming, I almost forgot where I am. The world is bustling all around me and I couldn't care less. I close my eyes and all I can see is her. All I want is her. She whispered softly in my ears, "I'm yours sayang. All yours".
Hours passed by. The only thing that motivated us to get out of the room is our growling hunger. After a quick hot shower, we went to an authentic Indian restaurant just blocks away. The food was delicious. We filled ourselves right up to our noses.
That late afternoon we stopped by the botanical garden. The garden is a huge place sorrounded by old trees and dotted with people walking around the concrete tracks. We joined the crowd and followed the white mossy trails stopping by a small hut.
She laid her head on my lap. I rubbed her shoulder gently while she gradually drifted into sleep. Poor thing. She must be so tired. It has been a long day. Just right before she doze off, I asked,"Sayang, is this still backpacking?". Eyes still closed and trying very hard to conceal a smirk, she answered, "Uhmm, I think so".
When the night came, we took a ride around town. The air was cold and humid. A remnant from the earlier downpour . She held me tight around my waist. We talked and talked. Well, we are on a moving bike wearing a thick helmet so we sound more like shouting than talking. We laughed our heads off. Talking about all sorts of things and making comments about the things we saw along the road. We must look like 2 super happy maniacs who came out of nowhere, riding dangerously and aimlessly. I told Emme I feel like the happiest girl alive. She held me tighter.
Never let go, Emme. You're safe with me.
It's 11pm and we're both extremely tired. I told her we need to make one last stop before we call it a day. I told her I wanted to show her something. We head on to the beach. I parked the bike at a very nice and secluded spot. The moon was full and glowing like a bead of pearl etched on the cloudless night sky. I asked her to sit on a piece of log and to look the other way. I got the suprise out of my backpack and lit it on. I screamed, "Hey Emme, take a look at this!". As she did, the fireworks does its magic. It was magnificient. She was stunned. I saw the flowery explosion as they were reflected in her eyes. She took a few steps back, took my hands and put it around her. When it's over and the darkness came back, she looked into my eyes and said "Darling, they're beautiful. I can't believe you did this. I love you so much!". We kissed under the dim moonlight. On the way back to our hotel, I asked her again, "So, what do you think of the trip so far?". She answered swiftly, "It's wonderful!!". And then she continued in a softer tone of voice, "You're romantic".
Thank God for the helmet. If not, she could have seen me blush.
God, I'm so in love with this girl.
The next day we took a train. It will be a 10 hour journey to our next destination. We bought the berth or bunker seats which is like a single bed fixed on the side of the cabin's wall. We filled one berth with all of our stuff and stayed on another. We closed the curtains real tight so no one could see what the two lovers are doing on the other side. The train picked up speed. Metals clanked and rattled. Emanating just enough noise to muffle ours. Emme leaned closer and rested her plump lips on mine...
1.45pm
I woke up to the heat of the high noon. In disbelieve that I'm back at this place. Back where I started again. Far from her. From home. The backpack is slumped by the door. I don't even have the will to unpack. Maybe it's a good idea not to. Who knows, I might be heading back to her tomorrow. Hey, maybe even this very afternoon. Gosh, stop kidding yourself Mea. You just got back not 6 hours ago.
Still, I'll unpack later. Much later.
I looked at the red checkers shirt hanged by the window. Emme gave me that shirt. I've been hugged in that shirt. Kissed just above the collar. The sleeves was once held dearly by someone. It has gone where Emme is. And now it's just hanging there. Lifeless. But I'm not suprised.
Everything seems lifeless when she's not around.
My mind is trying very hard to adjust to the abrupt changes in my routine.
No kisses in the morning. No gentle rub on my back. No cuddling on the sofa.
No smooth swaying to the music. No hands to hold. No sound of her laughter.
No big silly grin on my face.
Just me and this steady flow of grief from my tired eyes.
I feel like a miniseries is running in my head. Big stashes of memories came rolling in. Hitting me like a a full speed steel locomotive.
Was yesterday a dream? Whatever it was, today surely feels like a nightmare...
__________________________________________________
10 days before goodbyes
My bag must be weighing not less than a tonne and I don't feel a thing. My palms are so sweaty I think it's dripping all over the floor. I kept reminding myself to breathe and exhale. Wait, isn't breathing supposed to be spontaneous? Oh Mea, why do you have to be such a nervous wreck?
The airport is an enormous place full of people coming from somewhere and going to another. And it felt like an even bigger place when you're waiting at the departure hall scanning every faces that walked by you hoping that one of them is the one you're waiting for. I fixed my stare at the rectangular opening on the glass wall. In just a few minutes, Emme will be walking through there. I didn't even blink. Can't risk missing her. Every once in a while I took a quick, micro-second glance at the time. Each time knocking the display glass with the tip of my finger. Either my watch is running out of battery or time is slowing down.
Emme, where are you?
Then, in the crowd of strange foreign unfamiliar faces, I saw someone I know. I saw someone I love. She's here.
From where I'm standing, she looked amazing. She looked more beautiful than the last time we met.
I know this sounds silly, but I've practiced this how-to-greet-her moves days in advance. The objective is to sport a cool but excited look in one go. But just as expected, as soon as I saw her face, all those rehearsal just went down the drain. All I can manage to put up is a smile and a 'hi'. We walked while staring at each other and fighting the urge to kiss. Risking tripping on our own feet or any obstacles in front of us. Slicing through a maze of people that storms in opposite direction. Making our way to the exit.
The plan is to go backpacking across 2 different states. We've been talking about going on such trips for so long. I'm so glad we finally got the opportunity to actually make it happen and thrilled is too small a word to describe how excited we are. We are literally beaming with exhiliration and I think it's apparent to everyone at the airport.
I rented a motorbike. We both agreed that since this is a backpacking trip, we should limit our means of transportation to buses, bikes and our 2 feet. No cars, taxis or anything that spells out luxury and expels any sense of adventure. So I rented a 110cc white Honda. This will be our ride for the next 2 days.
The clouds were gray and unsettling. Thunder echoed from above like a heavenly wrath. Just as I was fastening her helmet, it started to rain. And before long, it poured. We were soaked down to our undies!
I asked her, teasingly, "So what do you think of our trip so far?".
She paused, smiled, pushing out rain water that kept flowing into her mouth and said, "It's OK". I laughed.
What a way to start a trip!
We took shelter at a bus stop and sat close to each other. Sharing body heat. The rain showed no sign of giving up. I held her freezing hands. If not for the people who were sharing the same bus stop, I would have kissed her wet lips.
As soon as the rain dwindled into drizzles, we hurried to the hotel.
The place has got an 80's feel to it. The people there were kind. The room was suprisingly spacious compared to what we paid for. Not much of a view from the window except for a narrow street below and a red brick wall from a nearby building.
I looked at Emme and eases my steps towards her. I traced her soft lips with my fingers. They are the colour of a Burmese Ruby. Warm and inviting. Something mounts inside of me. I drew her closer. We kissed. Finally. And her kiss was so overwhelming, I almost forgot where I am. The world is bustling all around me and I couldn't care less. I close my eyes and all I can see is her. All I want is her. She whispered softly in my ears, "I'm yours sayang. All yours".
Hours passed by. The only thing that motivated us to get out of the room is our growling hunger. After a quick hot shower, we went to an authentic Indian restaurant just blocks away. The food was delicious. We filled ourselves right up to our noses.
That late afternoon we stopped by the botanical garden. The garden is a huge place sorrounded by old trees and dotted with people walking around the concrete tracks. We joined the crowd and followed the white mossy trails stopping by a small hut.
She laid her head on my lap. I rubbed her shoulder gently while she gradually drifted into sleep. Poor thing. She must be so tired. It has been a long day. Just right before she doze off, I asked,"Sayang, is this still backpacking?". Eyes still closed and trying very hard to conceal a smirk, she answered, "Uhmm, I think so".
When the night came, we took a ride around town. The air was cold and humid. A remnant from the earlier downpour . She held me tight around my waist. We talked and talked. Well, we are on a moving bike wearing a thick helmet so we sound more like shouting than talking. We laughed our heads off. Talking about all sorts of things and making comments about the things we saw along the road. We must look like 2 super happy maniacs who came out of nowhere, riding dangerously and aimlessly. I told Emme I feel like the happiest girl alive. She held me tighter.
Never let go, Emme. You're safe with me.
It's 11pm and we're both extremely tired. I told her we need to make one last stop before we call it a day. I told her I wanted to show her something. We head on to the beach. I parked the bike at a very nice and secluded spot. The moon was full and glowing like a bead of pearl etched on the cloudless night sky. I asked her to sit on a piece of log and to look the other way. I got the suprise out of my backpack and lit it on. I screamed, "Hey Emme, take a look at this!". As she did, the fireworks does its magic. It was magnificient. She was stunned. I saw the flowery explosion as they were reflected in her eyes. She took a few steps back, took my hands and put it around her. When it's over and the darkness came back, she looked into my eyes and said "Darling, they're beautiful. I can't believe you did this. I love you so much!". We kissed under the dim moonlight. On the way back to our hotel, I asked her again, "So, what do you think of the trip so far?". She answered swiftly, "It's wonderful!!". And then she continued in a softer tone of voice, "You're romantic".
Thank God for the helmet. If not, she could have seen me blush.
God, I'm so in love with this girl.
The next day we took a train. It will be a 10 hour journey to our next destination. We bought the berth or bunker seats which is like a single bed fixed on the side of the cabin's wall. We filled one berth with all of our stuff and stayed on another. We closed the curtains real tight so no one could see what the two lovers are doing on the other side. The train picked up speed. Metals clanked and rattled. Emanating just enough noise to muffle ours. Emme leaned closer and rested her plump lips on mine...
Monday, September 05, 2011
a sonnet for Emme
this is a sonnet for Emme
It's not made of words and don't even rhyme
does not have a beginning or a definite end
not beaten by drums nor strung by violins
it's the sweet sound of her voice
that seems to silent every other noise
it's the beat of my heart
reacting to her touch
like a field of roses rustling in the wind
and the way she smiles in the morning
like the birds that flew across the sunset
and the sudden rush as our eyes met
take me to the highest possible notes
teach me how to play your chords
strum me up pluck my string
this is a song only you can sing
let your love be my metronome
let your melodies lead me home
one fine day we will dance
to a sonnet for Emme
It's not made of words and don't even rhyme
does not have a beginning or a definite end
not beaten by drums nor strung by violins
it's the sweet sound of her voice
that seems to silent every other noise
it's the beat of my heart
reacting to her touch
like a field of roses rustling in the wind
and the way she smiles in the morning
like the birds that flew across the sunset
and the sudden rush as our eyes met
take me to the highest possible notes
teach me how to play your chords
strum me up pluck my string
this is a song only you can sing
let your love be my metronome
let your melodies lead me home
one fine day we will dance
to a sonnet for Emme
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
return
Dear Emme,
I can't even begin to describe what these horrid discorteous nights are doing to me. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. And us. It's always the same dream. The same setting. The same breathtaking view. Of you. But that's not the worst part. The most agonizing part of it all is waking up.
Dearest Emme,
In this war torn region that was once my heart, I'm buried in rubbles and fenced in by blinding smokes from burning ruins. No matter how hard I try, seems like I could never find my way out. Countless times I called your name but to no avail. Obscured by the the sound of the relentless rain, my voice is not strong enough to travel the distance. So here I sat. Bruised and weary. Still, I'll keep this fire burning. In hope that the heat will keep me warm while the flame serves as a beacon to lead you straight into my arms again.
Come look for me. I need you. Only you can save me. See me through.
Please return
So our story can resume
Luv,
Mea
I can't even begin to describe what these horrid discorteous nights are doing to me. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. And us. It's always the same dream. The same setting. The same breathtaking view. Of you. But that's not the worst part. The most agonizing part of it all is waking up.
Dearest Emme,
In this war torn region that was once my heart, I'm buried in rubbles and fenced in by blinding smokes from burning ruins. No matter how hard I try, seems like I could never find my way out. Countless times I called your name but to no avail. Obscured by the the sound of the relentless rain, my voice is not strong enough to travel the distance. So here I sat. Bruised and weary. Still, I'll keep this fire burning. In hope that the heat will keep me warm while the flame serves as a beacon to lead you straight into my arms again.
Come look for me. I need you. Only you can save me. See me through.
Please return
So our story can resume
Luv,
Mea
Thursday, August 25, 2011
to be near you
I’ve been staring at this blank piece of paper for days now. Looking for words to describe the inner turmoil that’s been devouring me since the day we parted. But I found none. Distracted by a constant chanting that resonates within me. I miss you. I really miss you…
I had a dream last night. We were walking through a lush meadow filled with dandelions and wild daisies swaying freely in the invigorating late afternoon current. The sun was shining so generously. Giving life to a brilliant Persian Blue sky. We didn’t utter a word. You looked stunning in a pastel cotton dress. They fluttered in the wind as we made our way up the hill where a small cottage awaits. You were holding a bunch of flowers we picked along the way.
I was holding your hands again.
How’s life treating you lately sayang? Do you miss me? Have you had dreams about me? Did memories of us shook you up in the middle of a cold lonely night and sent you crying? Did you walk into a crowded room and wished one of them was me? Did you lie on your empty bed reminiscing about the secret pact once made under those sheets? Oh Emme, are you as miserable as I am?
Nothing seems to help anymore. Those long hours on the phone only serves as a temporary remedy. I was so afraid I’m going to forget how it felt like to have your warm body resting against mine. I need to feel your touch. I need to be in your presence. I want to hear you whisper softly in my ear, your innermost desire while your breath gushes through my skin and send shivers down my neck. I want to kiss your alluring lips and make you understand, through them, how I long for you.
I guess for now, I just have to be strong.
My only consolation is the thought that each day that passes will bring you closer to me.
Until then I’ll be standing by the gate waiting patiently for the moment when destiny calls my name, to be near you again.
I had a dream last night. We were walking through a lush meadow filled with dandelions and wild daisies swaying freely in the invigorating late afternoon current. The sun was shining so generously. Giving life to a brilliant Persian Blue sky. We didn’t utter a word. You looked stunning in a pastel cotton dress. They fluttered in the wind as we made our way up the hill where a small cottage awaits. You were holding a bunch of flowers we picked along the way.
I was holding your hands again.
How’s life treating you lately sayang? Do you miss me? Have you had dreams about me? Did memories of us shook you up in the middle of a cold lonely night and sent you crying? Did you walk into a crowded room and wished one of them was me? Did you lie on your empty bed reminiscing about the secret pact once made under those sheets? Oh Emme, are you as miserable as I am?
Nothing seems to help anymore. Those long hours on the phone only serves as a temporary remedy. I was so afraid I’m going to forget how it felt like to have your warm body resting against mine. I need to feel your touch. I need to be in your presence. I want to hear you whisper softly in my ear, your innermost desire while your breath gushes through my skin and send shivers down my neck. I want to kiss your alluring lips and make you understand, through them, how I long for you.
I guess for now, I just have to be strong.
My only consolation is the thought that each day that passes will bring you closer to me.
Until then I’ll be standing by the gate waiting patiently for the moment when destiny calls my name, to be near you again.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
You're here
Emme, you were wrong. I'm the lucky one.
There were times when I looked into your subtle dark hazel eyes and saw everything that I like about me. I saw the reflection of how I imagine love would be. I saw a mirror image of myself, smiling.
You've made me forget that life comes with its burden. And it's proven from this tear soaked memories of my past. Somehow it does not matter anymore Emme. It's all over now. You're here.
I have not been able to understand what I have done to deserve you. To deserve your warm touch and divine kisses. To be invited into your life. To have your hands pull me close. To have your mesmerizing stare upon mine. To be the one you lean on to as we sat together under the glowing grace of the solstice moon. Forgive me for taking this long to comprehend the magnitude of what just happened. You have to understand, miracle don't happen to me everyday.
I realized the more I venture into who you are, the deeper I sink. Love has evolved into an indescribable feeling of affection and fascination.
I don't know how you did it but you've turn my life into a place where fear in unheard of, pain is a diminishing term and love is a song that echoed everywhere.
Don't stop your lullaby my darling. I don't want to wake up.
Stay with me Emme. I need those smiles. They are the only thing that could persuade these eyes to open every morning. And the only thing that eases the weight that I carry on my shoulder. I need to know that despite all these hatred and prejudice that beamed towards me from all direction, somewhere someone is waiting for me.
Stay with me Emme
There were times when I looked into your subtle dark hazel eyes and saw everything that I like about me. I saw the reflection of how I imagine love would be. I saw a mirror image of myself, smiling.
You've made me forget that life comes with its burden. And it's proven from this tear soaked memories of my past. Somehow it does not matter anymore Emme. It's all over now. You're here.
I have not been able to understand what I have done to deserve you. To deserve your warm touch and divine kisses. To be invited into your life. To have your hands pull me close. To have your mesmerizing stare upon mine. To be the one you lean on to as we sat together under the glowing grace of the solstice moon. Forgive me for taking this long to comprehend the magnitude of what just happened. You have to understand, miracle don't happen to me everyday.
I realized the more I venture into who you are, the deeper I sink. Love has evolved into an indescribable feeling of affection and fascination.
I don't know how you did it but you've turn my life into a place where fear in unheard of, pain is a diminishing term and love is a song that echoed everywhere.
Don't stop your lullaby my darling. I don't want to wake up.
Stay with me Emme. I need those smiles. They are the only thing that could persuade these eyes to open every morning. And the only thing that eases the weight that I carry on my shoulder. I need to know that despite all these hatred and prejudice that beamed towards me from all direction, somewhere someone is waiting for me.
Stay with me Emme
Monday, August 15, 2011
By Chance
This is a recollection of words unspoken. A collage of feelings kept to oneself. This is a story of Mea. Before Emme.
By chance. I think that’s the best way to describe my encounter with Emme. A connection made via another. Through an old friend. Which actually complicate things but that's another story.
I can't really remember when it happens and how. Is it too easy of an answer to say that the moment we met, I just knew I love her. And as I got to know her, I love everything about her. When she's near, everyone else just disappear. The world shrinks to just Mea and Emme. She made me feel a million times stronger and better than who I really am. She inspired me to be the person I've always wanted to be. She showed me that there's more to this life than what I considered as life. She gave love, hope.
It was not the lack of courage that hinders me from blurting my heart's content to her. No. Emme was simply not available at that time. She was with someone else and I respect that. I don't want to meddle with that. Still, human heart is a senseless, deaf-mute creature. It knows what it wants and it can't be appeased. So it begins. A constant battle between should and want. Hundreds of times I took a step forward and just as fast, withdrew them. Oscillating back and forth like an erratic version of Argentine Tango.
Many a time, I tried hitting her with fuzzy hint which passed through her unnoticed like a light drizzle on a Sunday morning. They were weak. Laced with guilt. Crippled by conscience.
Many a time, I give up.
Strangely enough, I always come back. Making one flimsy attempt after another. Hoping that perhaps one of them will catch her attention. But surely (and sadly) enough, they didn't.
God knows how hard it is to talk to her while holding in what I really meant to say. Being close enough but unprivileged to touch. Stealing glances when she's looking away. Whispering words that dispersed into the wind right before they reach her.
Dear Emme, I Love You. Can you hear me?
Two years of loving her taught me that love doesn't have to be mutual. I've come to a point where I don't care if she ever love me. I just want to love her. I want to be the person to carve that smile on her face. I want to be the one to render her happiness. I want to be there for her when life treats her badly. Because love, though unanswered, is still love.
So I stayed.
But deep inside I still hope that maybe, just maybe, one fine morning when she's standing by her window, while the morning breeze brushes through her hair, she would hear my voice calling for her. She would finally realize that this awkward girl that kept showing up at her door is not there because she was on business trips and happens to be in the neighborhood. And the loud, inappropriate laughter was Mea's way of concealing her feelings and not because she's gotten too excited about the party. Maybe one day she'll finally realize that this girl had fallen for her.
Till then, I'll keep blowing little love notes her way. Perhaps when the morning breeze in strong enough, they will find their way into her heart.
By chance. Perhaps it was all orchestrated by a spontaneous chain of events that coincidently intertwine. Then again, life taught me to stop believing in coincidence.
By chance. I think that’s the best way to describe my encounter with Emme. A connection made via another. Through an old friend. Which actually complicate things but that's another story.
I can't really remember when it happens and how. Is it too easy of an answer to say that the moment we met, I just knew I love her. And as I got to know her, I love everything about her. When she's near, everyone else just disappear. The world shrinks to just Mea and Emme. She made me feel a million times stronger and better than who I really am. She inspired me to be the person I've always wanted to be. She showed me that there's more to this life than what I considered as life. She gave love, hope.
It was not the lack of courage that hinders me from blurting my heart's content to her. No. Emme was simply not available at that time. She was with someone else and I respect that. I don't want to meddle with that. Still, human heart is a senseless, deaf-mute creature. It knows what it wants and it can't be appeased. So it begins. A constant battle between should and want. Hundreds of times I took a step forward and just as fast, withdrew them. Oscillating back and forth like an erratic version of Argentine Tango.
Many a time, I tried hitting her with fuzzy hint which passed through her unnoticed like a light drizzle on a Sunday morning. They were weak. Laced with guilt. Crippled by conscience.
Many a time, I give up.
Strangely enough, I always come back. Making one flimsy attempt after another. Hoping that perhaps one of them will catch her attention. But surely (and sadly) enough, they didn't.
God knows how hard it is to talk to her while holding in what I really meant to say. Being close enough but unprivileged to touch. Stealing glances when she's looking away. Whispering words that dispersed into the wind right before they reach her.
Dear Emme, I Love You. Can you hear me?
Two years of loving her taught me that love doesn't have to be mutual. I've come to a point where I don't care if she ever love me. I just want to love her. I want to be the person to carve that smile on her face. I want to be the one to render her happiness. I want to be there for her when life treats her badly. Because love, though unanswered, is still love.
So I stayed.
But deep inside I still hope that maybe, just maybe, one fine morning when she's standing by her window, while the morning breeze brushes through her hair, she would hear my voice calling for her. She would finally realize that this awkward girl that kept showing up at her door is not there because she was on business trips and happens to be in the neighborhood. And the loud, inappropriate laughter was Mea's way of concealing her feelings and not because she's gotten too excited about the party. Maybe one day she'll finally realize that this girl had fallen for her.
Till then, I'll keep blowing little love notes her way. Perhaps when the morning breeze in strong enough, they will find their way into her heart.
By chance. Perhaps it was all orchestrated by a spontaneous chain of events that coincidently intertwine. Then again, life taught me to stop believing in coincidence.
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Butterflies
The phone rang. Eyes closed, my hands scoured around blindly looking for the source of the buzz. Got it. When I picked it up, a familiar voice came gushing out but instead of a customary ‘hello’, I heard the singing of a familiar tune;
"...I’m here without you baby
but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time..."
Here without you – 3 doors down.
I rubbed my eyes. Trying very hard to free myself from my sleepy daze. Trying to make sense of what is actually happening. Wait, is she actually singing for me? It’s 6.15 in the morning and my girl is singing! And she kept going. One song after another. Unaware of the fact that on the other end of the line someone was listening in awe.
Can she be any more endearing? Call me over-dramatic but I think this is one of the sweetest thing anybody had ever done for me.
Before I knew it, I was singing with her.
"...If you could see
That I’m the one
Who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you see
You belong with me..."
You belong with me – Taylor Swift.
Not a bad way to start a dull Tuesday morning. Not bad at all.
“Mea luvs u”
“Tell Her, Emme luvs Mea too”
“Butterflies!”
“In her tummy?”
"Yup. And everywhere”
Gosh, I'm so crazy about this girl!
"...I’m here without you baby
but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time..."
Here without you – 3 doors down.
I rubbed my eyes. Trying very hard to free myself from my sleepy daze. Trying to make sense of what is actually happening. Wait, is she actually singing for me? It’s 6.15 in the morning and my girl is singing! And she kept going. One song after another. Unaware of the fact that on the other end of the line someone was listening in awe.
Can she be any more endearing? Call me over-dramatic but I think this is one of the sweetest thing anybody had ever done for me.
Before I knew it, I was singing with her.
"...If you could see
That I’m the one
Who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you see
You belong with me..."
You belong with me – Taylor Swift.
Not a bad way to start a dull Tuesday morning. Not bad at all.
“Mea luvs u”
“Tell Her, Emme luvs Mea too”
“Butterflies!”
“In her tummy?”
"Yup. And everywhere”
Gosh, I'm so crazy about this girl!
Monday, August 08, 2011
10,000 feet
Its terrifying when I realized
How we almost let this pass
We’ll never know what we missed
And continue living life in anguish
Now that it has commenced
We can’t sit around and waste time
I’ve waited all my life for you
Life was paused and love overdue
Lets go crazy and out of our way
Lets break free from all these clichés
Lets dance in the rain in our evening gown
Lets sunbathe on our front lawn
I want to skydive from 10,000 feet
Holding your hands and taking candid
How about a dive in the deepest ocean
Life’s an adventure waiting to happen
Emme, I’m so glad that you’re here
For once in my life, everything is clear
We’ll take on the world wide and far
Thanks for flying with Air Mea
Friday, August 05, 2011
straw summer hat
Dear Emme,Pardon me for leaving you last night
It's unfair and you were right
It's not the distance or the loneliness
It's the memory that will kill us
I'm sorry I wasn't there to seize your tears
And for being so far away when you need me near
Just know that I'm hurt the same way
This heart is aching every single day
How I wish I could stop time
And be your knight just standing by
I won't let anything cross your path
I'll guard your honour till my last breath
When life's a drag and you're in doubt
When sadness engulfs you like a rotten shroud
Just know that this heart will always take me back
To that pretty girl in straw summer hat
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
the long and winding road
……..Here we are standing by her front door. I’m all packed and ready. Ready? That’s a lie. I can never be ready for this. One last kiss. Dry your tears. Time to send Mea away……..
The weekend wasn’t planned but the timing was perfect. Our last meetup in Malacca three weeks ago felt like an eternity. I need to see her again. I have to.
I arrived and waited in the café. Sipping hot cocoa. Other patrons were watching TV and chatting. I sat there unnoticed. The night was giving way to the early morning dew. Cold. She’s on the way. I like the sound of that. Emme is on the way.
She finally drove by and I got in the car. She looked beautiful as ever. We sat there staring at each other. Three seconds of silence. Here I am Emme. Take me into your arms and kiss me like you promised to.
“Mea, I can’t believe you’re here”.
“Me too sayang . Me too.”
As we drove to her place, something came to mind. Beatles’ The long and winding road.
The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door.
You sang my heart, Sir Paul.
I took a shower. A much needed shower. It’s been a long day. Put some fresh clothes on. I sat on the dining table. Munching on the noodles we picked up on the way. She took a towel and dried my hair. I have this bad habit of just letting my hair dry on its own. I felt like a silly 6 years old. I gave a goofy chuckle. She kissed my forehead. I’m loved.
We lie down on the bed. Exhausted. I held her close and bury my face on her back. I felt the warmth that radiates from her skin. And that familiar scent. Is it lavender? Or perhaps jasmine? Doesn’t matter. It’s Emme’s.
I don’t wanna sleep. I won’t waste this moment on such a wasteful thing as sleeping. I stayed awake just looking at her. Stroking her soft hair. Telling her I love her. There are times when she moved slightly as though responding to my whisper. Maybe somewhere in her dream, she heard me.
I don’t know when but my eyes finally gave in to my body’s plead for rest. I subside.
I woke up at the sound of her voice. I opened my eyes and there she was. It felt like a dream. I smiled. She gave me my first kiss of the day. And another one. I can’t stop smiling. I love you Emme. I truly love you.
We agreed to spend our weekend just hanging around. Relaxing. That morning the rain came pouring like it never rained before. Adding to another good reason to stay at home. We talk, eat and sleep - In that order.
That evening we went out for a walk by the lake. I had her hand clasped in mine.
The sun, now the color of burnt orange, was slowly receding into the far off horizon. Its final gleam turning everything into a shade of deep saffron. Including her eyes. Her amazing set of eyes. We walked towards the sunset. Just talking. Catching up. More often than not, we laughed. At times we stood so close and stare at each other. Inviting curious gape from passersby. “Let them wonder”, I said with a naughty smile. I can’t imagine myself being anywhere else than right here by the lake just sitting with the girl I love.
Remember I kissed you by the pier just as the day turned into night?
We had dinner at a very nice café not far from the lake. I love the food and the ambience. Everything was delicious. Everything was perfect. She is. I’m a lover in content.
Sunday
I sat on the floor. Looking at my backpack and a pile of dirty laundry lying around like a mock remembrance of happier days. I folded and packed them sloppily into my bag. I always dreaded folding clothes. Even more so right now. Tears were falling from my eyes.
God, this is too hard.
I slumped into her arms. We’re both in tears. Emme told me that we are gonna see each other soon. She loves me and we are gonna make this work. She said, let’s just imagine I’m away on a business trip and we’ll see each other when I get back. Yes, that’s right. I’ll see you when I get back. When I get home.
I took her in my embrace. I have to be strong for us.
Here we are standing by her front door. I’m all packed and ready. Ready? That’s a lie. I can never be ready for this. One last kiss. Dry your tears. Time to send Mea away.
Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried,
Anyway you'll never know
The many ways I've tried.
And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.
I’m sorry I had to go Emme. I’m sorry we’re so far away. I’ll be back. I promise I’ll come back for you.
Lead me to your door
The weekend wasn’t planned but the timing was perfect. Our last meetup in Malacca three weeks ago felt like an eternity. I need to see her again. I have to.
I arrived and waited in the café. Sipping hot cocoa. Other patrons were watching TV and chatting. I sat there unnoticed. The night was giving way to the early morning dew. Cold. She’s on the way. I like the sound of that. Emme is on the way.
She finally drove by and I got in the car. She looked beautiful as ever. We sat there staring at each other. Three seconds of silence. Here I am Emme. Take me into your arms and kiss me like you promised to.
“Mea, I can’t believe you’re here”.
“Me too sayang . Me too.”
As we drove to her place, something came to mind. Beatles’ The long and winding road.
The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door.
You sang my heart, Sir Paul.
I took a shower. A much needed shower. It’s been a long day. Put some fresh clothes on. I sat on the dining table. Munching on the noodles we picked up on the way. She took a towel and dried my hair. I have this bad habit of just letting my hair dry on its own. I felt like a silly 6 years old. I gave a goofy chuckle. She kissed my forehead. I’m loved.
We lie down on the bed. Exhausted. I held her close and bury my face on her back. I felt the warmth that radiates from her skin. And that familiar scent. Is it lavender? Or perhaps jasmine? Doesn’t matter. It’s Emme’s.
I don’t wanna sleep. I won’t waste this moment on such a wasteful thing as sleeping. I stayed awake just looking at her. Stroking her soft hair. Telling her I love her. There are times when she moved slightly as though responding to my whisper. Maybe somewhere in her dream, she heard me.
I don’t know when but my eyes finally gave in to my body’s plead for rest. I subside.
I woke up at the sound of her voice. I opened my eyes and there she was. It felt like a dream. I smiled. She gave me my first kiss of the day. And another one. I can’t stop smiling. I love you Emme. I truly love you.
We agreed to spend our weekend just hanging around. Relaxing. That morning the rain came pouring like it never rained before. Adding to another good reason to stay at home. We talk, eat and sleep - In that order.
That evening we went out for a walk by the lake. I had her hand clasped in mine.
The sun, now the color of burnt orange, was slowly receding into the far off horizon. Its final gleam turning everything into a shade of deep saffron. Including her eyes. Her amazing set of eyes. We walked towards the sunset. Just talking. Catching up. More often than not, we laughed. At times we stood so close and stare at each other. Inviting curious gape from passersby. “Let them wonder”, I said with a naughty smile. I can’t imagine myself being anywhere else than right here by the lake just sitting with the girl I love.
Remember I kissed you by the pier just as the day turned into night?
We had dinner at a very nice café not far from the lake. I love the food and the ambience. Everything was delicious. Everything was perfect. She is. I’m a lover in content.
Sunday
I sat on the floor. Looking at my backpack and a pile of dirty laundry lying around like a mock remembrance of happier days. I folded and packed them sloppily into my bag. I always dreaded folding clothes. Even more so right now. Tears were falling from my eyes.
God, this is too hard.
I slumped into her arms. We’re both in tears. Emme told me that we are gonna see each other soon. She loves me and we are gonna make this work. She said, let’s just imagine I’m away on a business trip and we’ll see each other when I get back. Yes, that’s right. I’ll see you when I get back. When I get home.
I took her in my embrace. I have to be strong for us.
Here we are standing by her front door. I’m all packed and ready. Ready? That’s a lie. I can never be ready for this. One last kiss. Dry your tears. Time to send Mea away.
Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried,
Anyway you'll never know
The many ways I've tried.
And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.
I’m sorry I had to go Emme. I’m sorry we’re so far away. I’ll be back. I promise I’ll come back for you.
Lead me to your door
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
misadventure of mea and emme
rough weather strong wind
this is not how it begin
with a kiss and a simple touch
the treaty was signed with tears and blood
here we are in the middle of the ocean
following the current in free motion
not knowing where the wind will take us
not knowing if the sail would last
i'll cover you when the storm escalate
keep me strong keep me sane
i don't care if we ever land
just stay close and hold my hands
are you hungry how about a kiss
can my love feed your famish
let my caress quench your thirst
i'm sorry this sound so ridiculous
sayang come here and lie on my lap
u must be tired from all the mishaps
Im sorry I took you along with me
I never meant to cause you misery
if someday we succumb and die
let this place serves as a shrine
a remembrance of love revamped
the misadventure of mea and emme
this is not how it begin
with a kiss and a simple touch
the treaty was signed with tears and blood
here we are in the middle of the ocean
following the current in free motion
not knowing where the wind will take us
not knowing if the sail would last
i'll cover you when the storm escalate
keep me strong keep me sane
i don't care if we ever land
just stay close and hold my hands
are you hungry how about a kiss
can my love feed your famish
let my caress quench your thirst
i'm sorry this sound so ridiculous
sayang come here and lie on my lap
u must be tired from all the mishaps
Im sorry I took you along with me
I never meant to cause you misery
if someday we succumb and die
let this place serves as a shrine
a remembrance of love revamped
the misadventure of mea and emme
Monday, July 25, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
a downward spiral
I woke up this morning with an odd feeling of affection and fear all blended up into one big mush. Gosh, I think I’m starting to lose my sense of reason. I don’t think I’m falling in love with you anymore emme. I think I am free-falling into you. No, that’s not it. I’m uhm…spiraling down towards you. I’m losing control emme. There, pride aside, I admit it.
Would you catch my descent?
“Your problem is, when you love, you forget”
I understand that due to some inexorable constraint you can’t promise me forever. I am well aware of that. Come to think of it, it shouldn’t matter because I’m standing here not for personal gain. I’m here just to love you. Emphasis on the word just.
You’re my raison d'être.
And then comes the fear part. Fear of not having you. Losing you. Oh emme, I don’t want to go back to the old mea. I don’t want to have to constantly persuade myself to wake up every morning. I don’t want to watch cartoon reruns every night until I got tired and doze off. I don’t want to have dreams of random and ridiculous events that have me questioning my own mental state in the morning. I want to dream of you.
Still emme, (trembling as I’m writing this) IF one day the inevitable becomes imminent and we have to say that horrendous word, you know, the last word people say to each other before they went the opposite way, could you just promise me that you’ll never forget about me and how I used to make you smile. And just know that when I wake up every morning, every morning, I will utter those 3 words and end it with emme.
……………………………..
Shucks. No. That’s not gonna happen. Let’s not talk about the future. Let’s talk about now. OK emme?
Would you catch my descent?
“Your problem is, when you love, you forget”
I understand that due to some inexorable constraint you can’t promise me forever. I am well aware of that. Come to think of it, it shouldn’t matter because I’m standing here not for personal gain. I’m here just to love you. Emphasis on the word just.
You’re my raison d'être.
And then comes the fear part. Fear of not having you. Losing you. Oh emme, I don’t want to go back to the old mea. I don’t want to have to constantly persuade myself to wake up every morning. I don’t want to watch cartoon reruns every night until I got tired and doze off. I don’t want to have dreams of random and ridiculous events that have me questioning my own mental state in the morning. I want to dream of you.
Still emme, (trembling as I’m writing this) IF one day the inevitable becomes imminent and we have to say that horrendous word, you know, the last word people say to each other before they went the opposite way, could you just promise me that you’ll never forget about me and how I used to make you smile. And just know that when I wake up every morning, every morning, I will utter those 3 words and end it with emme.
……………………………..
Shucks. No. That’s not gonna happen. Let’s not talk about the future. Let’s talk about now. OK emme?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
a day of our own
Miles away lovers apart
A nameless affair kept well in the dark
Savour the night loathe the dawn
A moment in time a day of our own
crimson red heels her dress ivory white
She is a woman in her own right
a tinge hotter than a Moroccan summer
and grace akin to Vivaldi’s Winter
Under the moonlight we sat in silence
A song is playing somewhere in the distance
She heightened me with every glance
Excuse me miss, may I have this dance
Stolen smile sleepless nights
Love beguile hold on tight
Turn around close the door
sois mienne, mon amour
A nameless affair kept well in the dark
Savour the night loathe the dawn
A moment in time a day of our own
crimson red heels her dress ivory white
She is a woman in her own right
a tinge hotter than a Moroccan summer
and grace akin to Vivaldi’s Winter
Under the moonlight we sat in silence
A song is playing somewhere in the distance
She heightened me with every glance
Excuse me miss, may I have this dance
Stolen smile sleepless nights
Love beguile hold on tight
Turn around close the door
sois mienne, mon amour
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
better than red
Dear Emme,
I wrote this while you were sleeping. While you were deep in your own retreat. This sight of you always brings me close to tears. Ask me why and I wouldn't know what to answer.
This feeling that I have for you. It felt like the more I let it out, the more it accumulates inside of me. All of a sudden, saying I love you felt inadequate to match how I really feel about you. And all these words they disintegrate to being just arrangement of alphabets. Thin and hollow.
I'm at a lost now. I'm out of words. Out of means. Trying to find better ways to make you understand who Emme is to Mea. I need you to know . That's all I ever wanted. That's my purpose.
So forgive me, dear emme. Pardon me while I search for a more deserving ways to love you. An all improved alternative to "I Love You". A better color than red.
I wrote this while you were sleeping. While you were deep in your own retreat. This sight of you always brings me close to tears. Ask me why and I wouldn't know what to answer.
This feeling that I have for you. It felt like the more I let it out, the more it accumulates inside of me. All of a sudden, saying I love you felt inadequate to match how I really feel about you. And all these words they disintegrate to being just arrangement of alphabets. Thin and hollow.
I'm at a lost now. I'm out of words. Out of means. Trying to find better ways to make you understand who Emme is to Mea. I need you to know . That's all I ever wanted. That's my purpose.
So forgive me, dear emme. Pardon me while I search for a more deserving ways to love you. An all improved alternative to "I Love You". A better color than red.
Monday, July 18, 2011
what's so special about Emme?
You know when it's saturday morning and it's raining outside. You smile. Delighted with the day-off bonus. The sound of the rain hitting the roof cradles you like a monotone lullaby. You pull your blanket up to your neck. Wishing you have someone to just hold and share your warmth with.
To me, that someone is emme.
When you have a rough day at work. When nothing works. When no one agrees and no one bothers. You want to reach out and spill out your troubles to someone. You need to hear a voice that would sooth you. Someone to tell you that everything's gonna be ok. Troubles are temporary and life's too short to be wasted on petty skirmish with colleagues who are impossible to enlighten. You pick up the phone and look for a number.
I dial for emme's.
Sometimes you feel like you don't belong anywhere. Restless and weary, you move from one place to another. Door to door. Just to exit as fast as you enter. Wishing you could just find somewhere you could lay your tired head on for good. A home.
My home is anywhere emme is.
And someone who rush towards you just to catch your tears. Who listen and see right through your skin. Right through those tough look you put on just to scare potential threat away. Someone who makes you feel like you can climb the highest mountain, jump and walk away scratch free. Whose touch seep into your veins like the most potent venom and melt you like glaciers in spring. She's everything you want and all you can see.
That's her. That's my emme.
To me, that someone is emme.
When you have a rough day at work. When nothing works. When no one agrees and no one bothers. You want to reach out and spill out your troubles to someone. You need to hear a voice that would sooth you. Someone to tell you that everything's gonna be ok. Troubles are temporary and life's too short to be wasted on petty skirmish with colleagues who are impossible to enlighten. You pick up the phone and look for a number.
I dial for emme's.
Sometimes you feel like you don't belong anywhere. Restless and weary, you move from one place to another. Door to door. Just to exit as fast as you enter. Wishing you could just find somewhere you could lay your tired head on for good. A home.
My home is anywhere emme is.
And someone who rush towards you just to catch your tears. Who listen and see right through your skin. Right through those tough look you put on just to scare potential threat away. Someone who makes you feel like you can climb the highest mountain, jump and walk away scratch free. Whose touch seep into your veins like the most potent venom and melt you like glaciers in spring. She's everything you want and all you can see.
That's her. That's my emme.
#8
broken dreams
shattered hope
lost of will
cannot cope
here i lie
in silent tears
wish i could die
and dissapear
she came to me
just in time
she shook my body
and make me high
cry no more
fear no one
here i soar
in her arms
all i need
is here with me
love's indeed
a proven theory
shattered hope
lost of will
cannot cope
here i lie
in silent tears
wish i could die
and dissapear
she came to me
just in time
she shook my body
and make me high
cry no more
fear no one
here i soar
in her arms
all i need
is here with me
love's indeed
a proven theory
Friday, July 15, 2011
close your eyes, dear Emme
Close your eyes I’ll close mine
Let me take you back in time
Do you remember opening that door
When you and me were strangers no more
Close your eyes tighter still
Remember when we climb up that hill
Holding hands stealing kisses
Life can’t be anything better than this
Now everything is dark and empty
The days are long and the nights are scary
Everything went gloomy from the kiss goodbye
Something inside me just withered and died
The sun is scorching the sky is gray
The world is hell when you’re away
I don’t wanna wake up I don’t wanna sleep
I don’t wanna open my eyes unless you’re here
You’re the cure to my open wound
You’re my haven come back soon
Catch my tears ease my pain
Melt my heart with that smile again
Let me take you back in time
Do you remember opening that door
When you and me were strangers no more
Close your eyes tighter still
Remember when we climb up that hill
Holding hands stealing kisses
Life can’t be anything better than this
Now everything is dark and empty
The days are long and the nights are scary
Everything went gloomy from the kiss goodbye
Something inside me just withered and died
The sun is scorching the sky is gray
The world is hell when you’re away
I don’t wanna wake up I don’t wanna sleep
I don’t wanna open my eyes unless you’re here
You’re the cure to my open wound
You’re my haven come back soon
Catch my tears ease my pain
Melt my heart with that smile again
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
there she is
There she is. Looking straight at me from the café. I’m finally here. In just a few seconds we’ll be together again. Suddenly this few meters of walking felt like a walk on a treadmill. I sat beside her. My hands were trembling. I hope she didn’t notice. She looked so good in that new haircut. I can’t remember my first few words to her which was a good thing because I must have said something silly. I guess that’s the only advantage of being a person with short term memories. I wanted to give her a kiss right there but there’s too many people around. Don’t want to create a state emergency!
We’re finally alone in the car. She’s driving. I’ve got the upper hand this time. Literally. I touched her face. Her neck. Surreal. I almost forgot how soft they were. How long has it been? I gave her a kiss. Oh how I miss the feel of her lips against mine. I'm throbbing. Are we there yet?
We arrived at her doorstep. Unknowingly, I whispered to myself, "I'm home". I'm home again. I walked into her living room. Passed the guest room. I can almost see myself there. I can see the old me. Reserved and struggling to maintain control. Carefully arranging every uttered word so that nothing will hint my love for this girl. I see sadness in her eyes. But not anymore.
Everything looked the same. Almost the same. Except for her arms around me. This is how things had always been. In my dreams.
She told me to keep all my luggage in the master bedroom. Somehow I felt honored by this simple instruction. I had never dreamt of ever stepping into this room but look at me now. I'm invited.
There we were. Sharing the same bed again. If I had only one wish, I wouldn't waste it on diamonds or gold. I would say hey presto and wished for time to stop from this moment on. When my eyes met hers. And our lips fused together. Sayang, I miss you so much. How many times have I said that since our little rendezvous at the café? How many times have I said that since our last kiss?
3.45am
I woke up. She's still fast asleep. I should stop kissing her eyes or I'll risk waking her up and ruin her rest. Can't help it. Just one last kiss. She looked so peaceful when she sleeps. Serene and oblivious to my adoring stare. Another kiss. She moved. OK I should stop.
Dawn finally came. The sun seized her rightful throne and chases the night away. Curing my little angel from her slumber. She opened her eyes. She moved closer and put her arms around me. I missed you while you were sleeping...
I've always wanted to cook for her. Even long before we were together. I'm not much of a cook but doing this gives me the feeling of taking care of her even if it means just a few meals in just a couple of days. It provides some sort of inexplicable satisfaction. She pitched in. Being sweet as usual. In between she managed to distract the nervous cook with her wit and kisses. That's the perk of cooking for someone you love. She asked for seconds. I’ve never been this happy cooking for anyone.
Time to head to Malacca.
We've got everything packed and ready including a bag full of home cooked food and a bottle of sparkling red grape juice. It's going to be great. I'm driving this time. I love driving for her. Taking her places. I wish this is something I could do for her every single day. My hands was perched on the passenger seat and instead of resting on an empty space like so many times before, this time it was greeted by a familiar warm tight clutch. I’m home again.
We arrived at our room. Our next hideout. I must admit the word ‘hide’ adds an extra sense of adventure to it. The room was beautiful. But the most beautiful feature of the room must be that magnificent creature lying on the bed. I can’t believe you’re here with me. I held her close. It is real. This is happening. Have I told you how much I love you sayang?
We went out that night. To the mall. I want to believe I took her there although she’s the one giving all the directions. Dinner and movie. Sounds great. Sounds like a proper date. I held her hands. People were staring. I couldn’t care less. Yes we’re in love. Yes she’s with me. Yes, she’s my girl.
Dinner set our tongues ablaze and the movie was an ordeal but somehow that’s just a minute hitch. Obscured by everything else. Her pretty smile, our laughter, ice cream on the bench, ice cream on her dress, the way we clasped our hands in the movie and how she fell asleep halfway through. Do you realize how amazing you are?
The night. No. Date, was perfect.
The dreadful morning came. The last day. Every lover’s nightmare. Time to head home. Time for goodbyes.
I looked at her face. Intently. Trying to memorize her. In hope that later, images of her will ease the agony of missing her. Never worked before but you never know.
I watched her locked the door behind her. Fighting tears. I was home no more.
Was I different this time?
Yes
Good or bad
Better
We’re finally alone in the car. She’s driving. I’ve got the upper hand this time. Literally. I touched her face. Her neck. Surreal. I almost forgot how soft they were. How long has it been? I gave her a kiss. Oh how I miss the feel of her lips against mine. I'm throbbing. Are we there yet?
We arrived at her doorstep. Unknowingly, I whispered to myself, "I'm home". I'm home again. I walked into her living room. Passed the guest room. I can almost see myself there. I can see the old me. Reserved and struggling to maintain control. Carefully arranging every uttered word so that nothing will hint my love for this girl. I see sadness in her eyes. But not anymore.
Everything looked the same. Almost the same. Except for her arms around me. This is how things had always been. In my dreams.
She told me to keep all my luggage in the master bedroom. Somehow I felt honored by this simple instruction. I had never dreamt of ever stepping into this room but look at me now. I'm invited.
There we were. Sharing the same bed again. If I had only one wish, I wouldn't waste it on diamonds or gold. I would say hey presto and wished for time to stop from this moment on. When my eyes met hers. And our lips fused together. Sayang, I miss you so much. How many times have I said that since our little rendezvous at the café? How many times have I said that since our last kiss?
3.45am
I woke up. She's still fast asleep. I should stop kissing her eyes or I'll risk waking her up and ruin her rest. Can't help it. Just one last kiss. She looked so peaceful when she sleeps. Serene and oblivious to my adoring stare. Another kiss. She moved. OK I should stop.
Dawn finally came. The sun seized her rightful throne and chases the night away. Curing my little angel from her slumber. She opened her eyes. She moved closer and put her arms around me. I missed you while you were sleeping...
I've always wanted to cook for her. Even long before we were together. I'm not much of a cook but doing this gives me the feeling of taking care of her even if it means just a few meals in just a couple of days. It provides some sort of inexplicable satisfaction. She pitched in. Being sweet as usual. In between she managed to distract the nervous cook with her wit and kisses. That's the perk of cooking for someone you love. She asked for seconds. I’ve never been this happy cooking for anyone.
Time to head to Malacca.
We've got everything packed and ready including a bag full of home cooked food and a bottle of sparkling red grape juice. It's going to be great. I'm driving this time. I love driving for her. Taking her places. I wish this is something I could do for her every single day. My hands was perched on the passenger seat and instead of resting on an empty space like so many times before, this time it was greeted by a familiar warm tight clutch. I’m home again.
We arrived at our room. Our next hideout. I must admit the word ‘hide’ adds an extra sense of adventure to it. The room was beautiful. But the most beautiful feature of the room must be that magnificent creature lying on the bed. I can’t believe you’re here with me. I held her close. It is real. This is happening. Have I told you how much I love you sayang?
We went out that night. To the mall. I want to believe I took her there although she’s the one giving all the directions. Dinner and movie. Sounds great. Sounds like a proper date. I held her hands. People were staring. I couldn’t care less. Yes we’re in love. Yes she’s with me. Yes, she’s my girl.
Dinner set our tongues ablaze and the movie was an ordeal but somehow that’s just a minute hitch. Obscured by everything else. Her pretty smile, our laughter, ice cream on the bench, ice cream on her dress, the way we clasped our hands in the movie and how she fell asleep halfway through. Do you realize how amazing you are?
The night. No. Date, was perfect.
The dreadful morning came. The last day. Every lover’s nightmare. Time to head home. Time for goodbyes.
I looked at her face. Intently. Trying to memorize her. In hope that later, images of her will ease the agony of missing her. Never worked before but you never know.
I watched her locked the door behind her. Fighting tears. I was home no more.
Was I different this time?
Yes
Good or bad
Better
Saturday, July 02, 2011
dear luv
My dear Emme,
Im sorry I havent written in quite a while. I wanted to write. But seems like whatever I wrote lately was never good enough. My words don't deserve you.
I feel sorrow each time I think about you
Im sorry. I dun mean to
No not in a bad way. I juz love you
Dearest Emme, I still find it very hard to comprehend how is it possible to receive this much affection from you. Ive been lovin you for so long and I had given up numerous times that my brain creates this universal truth- You and me are not meant to be. So I cease all hope. Like a wounded soldier in a lost battle, I retreat. Who would have thought...
Syg I bc buku takut ttdo. Bilik I blok J bilik 047.
I won’t lock the door
I'm on my way
Room 047. I was dead nervous. I was practically an animated depiction of the word nervous. I was talking to myself all the way up to your room. Reassuring myself that I can do this. I can see you straight in the eyes while simultaneously maintaining full control of my bodily function. I can do this. Two knocks on the door and there you were. You looked stunning. There is not a day that passes without me reminiscing about you opening that door. I was so happy to see you but I was too overwhelmed by a mix of a million different emotions that all I can rally is a flimsy smile. You pulled me in. I was bouncing all over the place. I was in a daze. I don't know what to do or say. Then you took me into your arms. I remembered my heart skipping a beat. You kissed me. I choked. I was literally choking. Is this Emme? Is this really you?
Think Im gonna be the safest girl on earth if I be with you
U r already with me
Remember the beach sayang? The weather was kind. Perfect. Like a silent consent. The sky was a glorious shade of blue and the sand was a spread of white glitter but all I can see is you and your pretty smile. To these eyes, you engulf everything else around you.
Sayang, Im taking a quick evening walk. Will be back soon.
I love you.
And room 902. The room with a view. Everything about that room was perfect. But not nearly as perfect as you.
where my girl go?
Nowhere. Close ur eyes. Shes stil with u.
I still see you my darling. When Im driving, when I go to bed, when Im all alone playing my guitar. I feel like you're always there beside me. Staring at me. Holding my hand. Smiling. Sometimes I involuntarily smiled and whispered, "what? what yang?".
My dear Emme, I think Im getting accustomed. To you.
That's a curse and a blessing, all in one.
Shoes are made of newspapers
That’s so ridiculous. Me too
Im sorry I havent written in quite a while. I wanted to write. But seems like whatever I wrote lately was never good enough. My words don't deserve you.
I feel sorrow each time I think about you
Im sorry. I dun mean to
No not in a bad way. I juz love you
Dearest Emme, I still find it very hard to comprehend how is it possible to receive this much affection from you. Ive been lovin you for so long and I had given up numerous times that my brain creates this universal truth- You and me are not meant to be. So I cease all hope. Like a wounded soldier in a lost battle, I retreat. Who would have thought...
Syg I bc buku takut ttdo. Bilik I blok J bilik 047.
I won’t lock the door
I'm on my way
Room 047. I was dead nervous. I was practically an animated depiction of the word nervous. I was talking to myself all the way up to your room. Reassuring myself that I can do this. I can see you straight in the eyes while simultaneously maintaining full control of my bodily function. I can do this. Two knocks on the door and there you were. You looked stunning. There is not a day that passes without me reminiscing about you opening that door. I was so happy to see you but I was too overwhelmed by a mix of a million different emotions that all I can rally is a flimsy smile. You pulled me in. I was bouncing all over the place. I was in a daze. I don't know what to do or say. Then you took me into your arms. I remembered my heart skipping a beat. You kissed me. I choked. I was literally choking. Is this Emme? Is this really you?
Think Im gonna be the safest girl on earth if I be with you
U r already with me
Remember the beach sayang? The weather was kind. Perfect. Like a silent consent. The sky was a glorious shade of blue and the sand was a spread of white glitter but all I can see is you and your pretty smile. To these eyes, you engulf everything else around you.
Sayang, Im taking a quick evening walk. Will be back soon.
I love you.
And room 902. The room with a view. Everything about that room was perfect. But not nearly as perfect as you.
where my girl go?
Nowhere. Close ur eyes. Shes stil with u.
I still see you my darling. When Im driving, when I go to bed, when Im all alone playing my guitar. I feel like you're always there beside me. Staring at me. Holding my hand. Smiling. Sometimes I involuntarily smiled and whispered, "what? what yang?".
My dear Emme, I think Im getting accustomed. To you.
That's a curse and a blessing, all in one.
Shoes are made of newspapers
That’s so ridiculous. Me too
Thursday, June 23, 2011
the road to Emme
No mountains no hills
No hot summer no winter chills
This journey I’m about to start
Surpasses any and all of that
There’s my destination but where’s the path
How long is this quest going to last
How many hours of loneliness
In moments of despair how many tears
No one to comfort me no one knows
I’ll be the only one taking the blows
Can anybody hear me crying in pain
Can she see me from where she’s standing
I can’t give up I have to try
I have to learn and understand why
I need answers to what I’m feeling
I need reasons behind my longings
There were times when I give in
There were moments when she’s out of reach
There were obstacles and setbacks
There were detours and mistaken tracks
Here I am at the end of my strife
How the hell did I survive
There she is waiting me
There she is the girl of my dream
I am at peace by her side
She’ll heal my bruise and my cut
It’s a treacherous walk to deliverance
It’s a great leap for freedom
It’s a discovery of who I am
It’s a long road to Emme
No hot summer no winter chills
This journey I’m about to start
Surpasses any and all of that
There’s my destination but where’s the path
How long is this quest going to last
How many hours of loneliness
In moments of despair how many tears
No one to comfort me no one knows
I’ll be the only one taking the blows
Can anybody hear me crying in pain
Can she see me from where she’s standing
I can’t give up I have to try
I have to learn and understand why
I need answers to what I’m feeling
I need reasons behind my longings
There were times when I give in
There were moments when she’s out of reach
There were obstacles and setbacks
There were detours and mistaken tracks
Here I am at the end of my strife
How the hell did I survive
There she is waiting me
There she is the girl of my dream
I am at peace by her side
She’ll heal my bruise and my cut
It’s a treacherous walk to deliverance
It’s a great leap for freedom
It’s a discovery of who I am
It’s a long road to Emme
Monday, June 20, 2011
#7
promised myself never to ask these questions. I told myself these are the way things are and how it’s always going to be. I used to be so OK with this arrangement. I live by the moment. I brace myself for the inevitable. I prepare for the fall. I gear up for the climb back up.
Then she smiled
How long has it been? A week? No, 2 days. 2 days?! Doesn’t feel like it at all. Feels like I’ve aged quite a bit since we last talked. Feels like I’ve missed so much. How many times has she smiled since? How much laughter?
I’ve got to stop checking the phone every 5 minutes. It’s ironic how I check the phone each time I remind myself not to. Gosh, even my fingers are disobeying my direct orders right now. What’s happening to me? A friend once told me, “Your problem is, when you love, you forget”. I know now how right she was. When I love, I just let go of everything else. I dwell. When I love, I only love. Which substantiate the fact that I suck at multitasking.
Pull yourself together you big goof. Do some reality check. Alrighty. She’s with someone – check. That someone is my old friend – check. That old friend can never know I’m gay – check. And she loves me – CHECK. Funny how that last statement cancelled out everything prior. Funny. Did I just grin?
I’m terrified. Logic is leaving me. Rationality took a one way train. Nothing makes sense when she’s away. When did this happen? When did I fell? I thought I would have some kind of consciousness of me falling. Or at least when I hit the ground. I feel like the world suddenly grew in size. Expand. Moved her further away. I found myself surrounded by unfamiliar faces. I feel ignored. Unwanted. Alone.
And these tears. These nightly self pity episodes. It’s consuming me. I’m a buffet to my own desire. It’s getting hollow inside. I can almost hear an echo.
Why did I venture into this? What’s with all these self inflicted pain? What’s the prize? Maybe it’s not what I’m getting. It’s what I’ll be able to give. This love I’ve been keeping inside of me. I want her to know.
Naturally, my survival instinct will look for something, someone to blame. But none of us have any control over this. It just, happens. And so damn fast too. 1 blink, I told her I love her. 1 blink she’s in my arms. 1 blink, we’re together. Together. I never thought that word and ‘we’ can co-exist in the same sentence. Well, you can always blame the weather.
I’m not keen about tomorrow anymore. I stopped looking at the calendar. I don’t want to know how long it’s going to be until we can be together again. I don’t count the days. I limit my future planning to just a few hours ahead. That’s all I can managed right now and that works just fine for me.
Balance is always something I find very hard to achieve. At least when it comes to loving a person. How do you balance that? How do you contain yourself? Where is the boundary? Should there even be boundaries in the first place? There you go. That’s why I can never find balance. I have boundary issues.
Stop checking the damn phone
I close my eyes.
God grant me peace. Give me some refuge. Restore me.
Then she smiled
How long has it been? A week? No, 2 days. 2 days?! Doesn’t feel like it at all. Feels like I’ve aged quite a bit since we last talked. Feels like I’ve missed so much. How many times has she smiled since? How much laughter?
I’ve got to stop checking the phone every 5 minutes. It’s ironic how I check the phone each time I remind myself not to. Gosh, even my fingers are disobeying my direct orders right now. What’s happening to me? A friend once told me, “Your problem is, when you love, you forget”. I know now how right she was. When I love, I just let go of everything else. I dwell. When I love, I only love. Which substantiate the fact that I suck at multitasking.
Pull yourself together you big goof. Do some reality check. Alrighty. She’s with someone – check. That someone is my old friend – check. That old friend can never know I’m gay – check. And she loves me – CHECK. Funny how that last statement cancelled out everything prior. Funny. Did I just grin?
I’m terrified. Logic is leaving me. Rationality took a one way train. Nothing makes sense when she’s away. When did this happen? When did I fell? I thought I would have some kind of consciousness of me falling. Or at least when I hit the ground. I feel like the world suddenly grew in size. Expand. Moved her further away. I found myself surrounded by unfamiliar faces. I feel ignored. Unwanted. Alone.
And these tears. These nightly self pity episodes. It’s consuming me. I’m a buffet to my own desire. It’s getting hollow inside. I can almost hear an echo.
Why did I venture into this? What’s with all these self inflicted pain? What’s the prize? Maybe it’s not what I’m getting. It’s what I’ll be able to give. This love I’ve been keeping inside of me. I want her to know.
Naturally, my survival instinct will look for something, someone to blame. But none of us have any control over this. It just, happens. And so damn fast too. 1 blink, I told her I love her. 1 blink she’s in my arms. 1 blink, we’re together. Together. I never thought that word and ‘we’ can co-exist in the same sentence. Well, you can always blame the weather.
I’m not keen about tomorrow anymore. I stopped looking at the calendar. I don’t want to know how long it’s going to be until we can be together again. I don’t count the days. I limit my future planning to just a few hours ahead. That’s all I can managed right now and that works just fine for me.
Balance is always something I find very hard to achieve. At least when it comes to loving a person. How do you balance that? How do you contain yourself? Where is the boundary? Should there even be boundaries in the first place? There you go. That’s why I can never find balance. I have boundary issues.
Stop checking the damn phone
I close my eyes.
God grant me peace. Give me some refuge. Restore me.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
#6
Make her come into my slumber every night
So I won’t miss her during my daily plight
Let me fall into her imaginary embrace
Let visions of her guide me through the maze
Memory of her will make me stronger
Remembrance of her smile will be my armor
In my recurring reverie she will come to me
As long as I close my eyes there she’ll be
I know she’s out of my reach
But dear heaven, please allow me to dream
So I won’t miss her during my daily plight
Let me fall into her imaginary embrace
Let visions of her guide me through the maze
Memory of her will make me stronger
Remembrance of her smile will be my armor
In my recurring reverie she will come to me
As long as I close my eyes there she’ll be
I know she’s out of my reach
But dear heaven, please allow me to dream
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
a view from the balcony
Let me know what’s on your mind
Tell me your fears and your strife
Do you know how much you mean to me
Do you know how long it’s been
The sweet notes you left on the bed
Is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read
Do you know what you’re doing to me
Do you know how it makes me feel
I saw you from the balcony
From up here you looked so frail and lonely
Tracing the sand with your feet
You looked like a lover in defeat
I want to run to that girl
And tell her she’s my world
I want her to know
She is lonely no more
I want to hold her hands
I need to make her understand
It’s going to be different from now on
Our story had just begun
Come closer and feel my heartbeat
You and this is all I need
I’ll save you from everything vile
I’ll cross the universe for that smile
Come back soon into my arms
Everything’s so beautiful when you’re around
Everything’s perfect everything gleam
Down to the last 2 jelly ice creams
Tell me your fears and your strife
Do you know how much you mean to me
Do you know how long it’s been
The sweet notes you left on the bed
Is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read
Do you know what you’re doing to me
Do you know how it makes me feel
I saw you from the balcony
From up here you looked so frail and lonely
Tracing the sand with your feet
You looked like a lover in defeat
I want to run to that girl
And tell her she’s my world
I want her to know
She is lonely no more
I want to hold her hands
I need to make her understand
It’s going to be different from now on
Our story had just begun
Come closer and feel my heartbeat
You and this is all I need
I’ll save you from everything vile
I’ll cross the universe for that smile
Come back soon into my arms
Everything’s so beautiful when you’re around
Everything’s perfect everything gleam
Down to the last 2 jelly ice creams
this one's for Mea Fabella
Dear mea,
congratulation on what you did
you've thrown away the very thing you've always wanted
it's amazing how you've managed
to screw things up time and time again
she was wrong you're not special
you're just a lover in denial
you're a sheepless dumb poet
you're a coward a good one at that
read your poems and read them well
they'll be the only thing closest to hell
read them aloud when you're lonely
and hope that it will cure your stupidity
go to that places you promised her
see if it will make you feel better
see if it can make her understand
how you wished things were different
she actually loves you, you big clown
this is the girl you've yearned for so long
you can't separate fiction from fact
and you simply go and break her heart
you don't deserve her even her smile
you have no right to make her cry
are you happy with what you've done
congrats to you my clueless friend
she liked your words and your rhyme
she gave love another chance
she inspired you to fly and soar
she made you feel better than who you are
she misses you everyday
she said she loves you in every way
tell me mea, how many time have you had
a girl that beautiful telling you exactly that
keep crying and torture yourself
keep messing everything up
do yourself a good favour
stay away from being a lover
Dear mea, my poor friend
things are not going exactly to plan
from here on in mark your grave
a girl once found is lost again
congratulation on what you did
you've thrown away the very thing you've always wanted
it's amazing how you've managed
to screw things up time and time again
she was wrong you're not special
you're just a lover in denial
you're a sheepless dumb poet
you're a coward a good one at that
read your poems and read them well
they'll be the only thing closest to hell
read them aloud when you're lonely
and hope that it will cure your stupidity
go to that places you promised her
see if it will make you feel better
see if it can make her understand
how you wished things were different
she actually loves you, you big clown
this is the girl you've yearned for so long
you can't separate fiction from fact
and you simply go and break her heart
you don't deserve her even her smile
you have no right to make her cry
are you happy with what you've done
congrats to you my clueless friend
she liked your words and your rhyme
she gave love another chance
she inspired you to fly and soar
she made you feel better than who you are
she misses you everyday
she said she loves you in every way
tell me mea, how many time have you had
a girl that beautiful telling you exactly that
keep crying and torture yourself
keep messing everything up
do yourself a good favour
stay away from being a lover
Dear mea, my poor friend
things are not going exactly to plan
from here on in mark your grave
a girl once found is lost again
Monday, June 13, 2011
#5
There she is the girl of my dream
Far beyond my wildest imaginings
Can she see me all the way down here
How can something so far feel so near
She pulled me close and kissed my lips
As I just stand there in disbelieve
Do wishes come true
Darling, is this really you
Did she just told me she loves me
Did she just ask me not to leave
Did she just washed my body
Was that her lying next to me
Did we just walked on the beach
Was it my hand she was trying to reach
Was it us who laughed so loud
Is this the girl I’ve been dreaming about
Was it her who moan and scream
As I caressed and licked her skin
Was it me who kissed her forehead
To calm her down and taste her sweat
Are these tears on my face
As she say goodbye and walked away
I’ve given her all I have to give
All I wish is that she remember me
Far beyond my wildest imaginings
Can she see me all the way down here
How can something so far feel so near
She pulled me close and kissed my lips
As I just stand there in disbelieve
Do wishes come true
Darling, is this really you
Did she just told me she loves me
Did she just ask me not to leave
Did she just washed my body
Was that her lying next to me
Did we just walked on the beach
Was it my hand she was trying to reach
Was it us who laughed so loud
Is this the girl I’ve been dreaming about
Was it her who moan and scream
As I caressed and licked her skin
Was it me who kissed her forehead
To calm her down and taste her sweat
Are these tears on my face
As she say goodbye and walked away
I’ve given her all I have to give
All I wish is that she remember me
be still my beating heart
be still, my beating heart
for when she said she loves you
you'll fall on your knees and ask, " what more can I do?"
you'll go to great lenght just to make her happy
you'll starve yourself just so she could eat
you'll pray that she'll knock on your door
as you wait patiently by the window
You'll break any rule anytime anyplace
just to see that beautiful smile on her face
Be still, my beating heart
For when she said she needs you
You'll run to her as fast as you could
You'll ride the wind, the rain and the wave
Just to be her armour and make her safe
You won't care what will become of you
all that matters is that what was one is now two
this could be your only way out
life might be better than once thought
Be still, my beating heart
for when she said she wants to leave
you'll find yourself buried deep
with nothing to hold but your own memories
nothing to care about but your own grief
will she at least turn and take another look
at this person who's bent and broke
nothing to you make sense anymore
nothing to die or live for
all you wanted was to believe
that love is something unimaginary
for when she said she loves you
you'll fall on your knees and ask, " what more can I do?"
you'll go to great lenght just to make her happy
you'll starve yourself just so she could eat
you'll pray that she'll knock on your door
as you wait patiently by the window
You'll break any rule anytime anyplace
just to see that beautiful smile on her face
Be still, my beating heart
For when she said she needs you
You'll run to her as fast as you could
You'll ride the wind, the rain and the wave
Just to be her armour and make her safe
You won't care what will become of you
all that matters is that what was one is now two
this could be your only way out
life might be better than once thought
Be still, my beating heart
for when she said she wants to leave
you'll find yourself buried deep
with nothing to hold but your own memories
nothing to care about but your own grief
will she at least turn and take another look
at this person who's bent and broke
nothing to you make sense anymore
nothing to die or live for
all you wanted was to believe
that love is something unimaginary
#4
I luv u so much that it scares me
Im suddenly thinking of eternity
I want to feel this way forever
And have all of you to savor
Here I am drenched and cold
Standing outside your front door
With nothing to do and nowhere to go
I love you, that’s all I know
I know I seem so frail and weak
I know I acted dumb and stupid
Sayang can’t you see
you have that effect on me
If it’s not too much to ask
Could you hold me and tell me that
You actually need me too
Tell me I’m not another fool
I’ve promised myself never to fall again
Never to let my guard down
But honey what can I do
I’m hopeless when it comes to you
Im suddenly thinking of eternity
I want to feel this way forever
And have all of you to savor
Here I am drenched and cold
Standing outside your front door
With nothing to do and nowhere to go
I love you, that’s all I know
I know I seem so frail and weak
I know I acted dumb and stupid
Sayang can’t you see
you have that effect on me
If it’s not too much to ask
Could you hold me and tell me that
You actually need me too
Tell me I’m not another fool
I’ve promised myself never to fall again
Never to let my guard down
But honey what can I do
I’m hopeless when it comes to you
#3
It feels so cold when you're not around
The birds are singing but I hear no sound
The sun seems to shine somewhere else
life is just a lame routine at best
Soon you'll be in my embrace
Will I be able to hold my tears
but I promise you this my dear Emme
I'll give you all of me everything that i am
Take my heart It's yours to keep
Say you love me that's all I need
Put your hands close to mine
say you love me one more time
The birds are singing but I hear no sound
The sun seems to shine somewhere else
life is just a lame routine at best
Soon you'll be in my embrace
Will I be able to hold my tears
but I promise you this my dear Emme
I'll give you all of me everything that i am
Take my heart It's yours to keep
Say you love me that's all I need
Put your hands close to mine
say you love me one more time
#2
Can you see beyond my skin
Do you know the places I’ve been
Can you see it in my eyes
All the secrets I was trying to hide
Stop me from drifting away
Hold me tight make me stay
Cut me loose heal my wound
Don’t leave me now not so soon
Pick me up help me stand
Help me live be my strength
Brush away all my guilt
Make this heart cease to bleed
Tell me stories of better days
Where birds would sing and horses would graze
Kiss my lips hold my hand
Make me fall in love again
You are in me everything that rhymes
You are the queen on my last dime
You are the 6 on my lucky dice
You are darling, an angel in disguise
Do you know the places I’ve been
Can you see it in my eyes
All the secrets I was trying to hide
Stop me from drifting away
Hold me tight make me stay
Cut me loose heal my wound
Don’t leave me now not so soon
Pick me up help me stand
Help me live be my strength
Brush away all my guilt
Make this heart cease to bleed
Tell me stories of better days
Where birds would sing and horses would graze
Kiss my lips hold my hand
Make me fall in love again
You are in me everything that rhymes
You are the queen on my last dime
You are the 6 on my lucky dice
You are darling, an angel in disguise
#1
Let me level with you
Yes, I love you
I know we can never be
So I’ll keep the love with me
Until we meet again
Until the next train
You said love only happen once
There will never be a second dance
I guess you’re right all along
Silly me for pressing on
Because no matter what I do
I still fail to reach you
Then again who said love is for two
It’s still love if it’s true
I know we can never be
So I’ll keep the love with me
Until you’re in sight
Until the next flight...
Yes, I love you
I know we can never be
So I’ll keep the love with me
Until we meet again
Until the next train
You said love only happen once
There will never be a second dance
I guess you’re right all along
Silly me for pressing on
Because no matter what I do
I still fail to reach you
Then again who said love is for two
It’s still love if it’s true
I know we can never be
So I’ll keep the love with me
Until you’re in sight
Until the next flight...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)