No mountains no hills
No hot summer no winter chills
This journey I’m about to start
Surpasses any and all of that
There’s my destination but where’s the path
How long is this quest going to last
How many hours of loneliness
In moments of despair how many tears
No one to comfort me no one knows
I’ll be the only one taking the blows
Can anybody hear me crying in pain
Can she see me from where she’s standing
I can’t give up I have to try
I have to learn and understand why
I need answers to what I’m feeling
I need reasons behind my longings
There were times when I give in
There were moments when she’s out of reach
There were obstacles and setbacks
There were detours and mistaken tracks
Here I am at the end of my strife
How the hell did I survive
There she is waiting me
There she is the girl of my dream
I am at peace by her side
She’ll heal my bruise and my cut
It’s a treacherous walk to deliverance
It’s a great leap for freedom
It’s a discovery of who I am
It’s a long road to Emme
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
#7
promised myself never to ask these questions. I told myself these are the way things are and how it’s always going to be. I used to be so OK with this arrangement. I live by the moment. I brace myself for the inevitable. I prepare for the fall. I gear up for the climb back up.
Then she smiled
How long has it been? A week? No, 2 days. 2 days?! Doesn’t feel like it at all. Feels like I’ve aged quite a bit since we last talked. Feels like I’ve missed so much. How many times has she smiled since? How much laughter?
I’ve got to stop checking the phone every 5 minutes. It’s ironic how I check the phone each time I remind myself not to. Gosh, even my fingers are disobeying my direct orders right now. What’s happening to me? A friend once told me, “Your problem is, when you love, you forget”. I know now how right she was. When I love, I just let go of everything else. I dwell. When I love, I only love. Which substantiate the fact that I suck at multitasking.
Pull yourself together you big goof. Do some reality check. Alrighty. She’s with someone – check. That someone is my old friend – check. That old friend can never know I’m gay – check. And she loves me – CHECK. Funny how that last statement cancelled out everything prior. Funny. Did I just grin?
I’m terrified. Logic is leaving me. Rationality took a one way train. Nothing makes sense when she’s away. When did this happen? When did I fell? I thought I would have some kind of consciousness of me falling. Or at least when I hit the ground. I feel like the world suddenly grew in size. Expand. Moved her further away. I found myself surrounded by unfamiliar faces. I feel ignored. Unwanted. Alone.
And these tears. These nightly self pity episodes. It’s consuming me. I’m a buffet to my own desire. It’s getting hollow inside. I can almost hear an echo.
Why did I venture into this? What’s with all these self inflicted pain? What’s the prize? Maybe it’s not what I’m getting. It’s what I’ll be able to give. This love I’ve been keeping inside of me. I want her to know.
Naturally, my survival instinct will look for something, someone to blame. But none of us have any control over this. It just, happens. And so damn fast too. 1 blink, I told her I love her. 1 blink she’s in my arms. 1 blink, we’re together. Together. I never thought that word and ‘we’ can co-exist in the same sentence. Well, you can always blame the weather.
I’m not keen about tomorrow anymore. I stopped looking at the calendar. I don’t want to know how long it’s going to be until we can be together again. I don’t count the days. I limit my future planning to just a few hours ahead. That’s all I can managed right now and that works just fine for me.
Balance is always something I find very hard to achieve. At least when it comes to loving a person. How do you balance that? How do you contain yourself? Where is the boundary? Should there even be boundaries in the first place? There you go. That’s why I can never find balance. I have boundary issues.
Stop checking the damn phone
I close my eyes.
God grant me peace. Give me some refuge. Restore me.
Then she smiled
How long has it been? A week? No, 2 days. 2 days?! Doesn’t feel like it at all. Feels like I’ve aged quite a bit since we last talked. Feels like I’ve missed so much. How many times has she smiled since? How much laughter?
I’ve got to stop checking the phone every 5 minutes. It’s ironic how I check the phone each time I remind myself not to. Gosh, even my fingers are disobeying my direct orders right now. What’s happening to me? A friend once told me, “Your problem is, when you love, you forget”. I know now how right she was. When I love, I just let go of everything else. I dwell. When I love, I only love. Which substantiate the fact that I suck at multitasking.
Pull yourself together you big goof. Do some reality check. Alrighty. She’s with someone – check. That someone is my old friend – check. That old friend can never know I’m gay – check. And she loves me – CHECK. Funny how that last statement cancelled out everything prior. Funny. Did I just grin?
I’m terrified. Logic is leaving me. Rationality took a one way train. Nothing makes sense when she’s away. When did this happen? When did I fell? I thought I would have some kind of consciousness of me falling. Or at least when I hit the ground. I feel like the world suddenly grew in size. Expand. Moved her further away. I found myself surrounded by unfamiliar faces. I feel ignored. Unwanted. Alone.
And these tears. These nightly self pity episodes. It’s consuming me. I’m a buffet to my own desire. It’s getting hollow inside. I can almost hear an echo.
Why did I venture into this? What’s with all these self inflicted pain? What’s the prize? Maybe it’s not what I’m getting. It’s what I’ll be able to give. This love I’ve been keeping inside of me. I want her to know.
Naturally, my survival instinct will look for something, someone to blame. But none of us have any control over this. It just, happens. And so damn fast too. 1 blink, I told her I love her. 1 blink she’s in my arms. 1 blink, we’re together. Together. I never thought that word and ‘we’ can co-exist in the same sentence. Well, you can always blame the weather.
I’m not keen about tomorrow anymore. I stopped looking at the calendar. I don’t want to know how long it’s going to be until we can be together again. I don’t count the days. I limit my future planning to just a few hours ahead. That’s all I can managed right now and that works just fine for me.
Balance is always something I find very hard to achieve. At least when it comes to loving a person. How do you balance that? How do you contain yourself? Where is the boundary? Should there even be boundaries in the first place? There you go. That’s why I can never find balance. I have boundary issues.
Stop checking the damn phone
I close my eyes.
God grant me peace. Give me some refuge. Restore me.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
#6
Make her come into my slumber every night
So I won’t miss her during my daily plight
Let me fall into her imaginary embrace
Let visions of her guide me through the maze
Memory of her will make me stronger
Remembrance of her smile will be my armor
In my recurring reverie she will come to me
As long as I close my eyes there she’ll be
I know she’s out of my reach
But dear heaven, please allow me to dream
So I won’t miss her during my daily plight
Let me fall into her imaginary embrace
Let visions of her guide me through the maze
Memory of her will make me stronger
Remembrance of her smile will be my armor
In my recurring reverie she will come to me
As long as I close my eyes there she’ll be
I know she’s out of my reach
But dear heaven, please allow me to dream
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
a view from the balcony
Let me know what’s on your mind
Tell me your fears and your strife
Do you know how much you mean to me
Do you know how long it’s been
The sweet notes you left on the bed
Is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read
Do you know what you’re doing to me
Do you know how it makes me feel
I saw you from the balcony
From up here you looked so frail and lonely
Tracing the sand with your feet
You looked like a lover in defeat
I want to run to that girl
And tell her she’s my world
I want her to know
She is lonely no more
I want to hold her hands
I need to make her understand
It’s going to be different from now on
Our story had just begun
Come closer and feel my heartbeat
You and this is all I need
I’ll save you from everything vile
I’ll cross the universe for that smile
Come back soon into my arms
Everything’s so beautiful when you’re around
Everything’s perfect everything gleam
Down to the last 2 jelly ice creams
Tell me your fears and your strife
Do you know how much you mean to me
Do you know how long it’s been
The sweet notes you left on the bed
Is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read
Do you know what you’re doing to me
Do you know how it makes me feel
I saw you from the balcony
From up here you looked so frail and lonely
Tracing the sand with your feet
You looked like a lover in defeat
I want to run to that girl
And tell her she’s my world
I want her to know
She is lonely no more
I want to hold her hands
I need to make her understand
It’s going to be different from now on
Our story had just begun
Come closer and feel my heartbeat
You and this is all I need
I’ll save you from everything vile
I’ll cross the universe for that smile
Come back soon into my arms
Everything’s so beautiful when you’re around
Everything’s perfect everything gleam
Down to the last 2 jelly ice creams
this one's for Mea Fabella
Dear mea,
congratulation on what you did
you've thrown away the very thing you've always wanted
it's amazing how you've managed
to screw things up time and time again
she was wrong you're not special
you're just a lover in denial
you're a sheepless dumb poet
you're a coward a good one at that
read your poems and read them well
they'll be the only thing closest to hell
read them aloud when you're lonely
and hope that it will cure your stupidity
go to that places you promised her
see if it will make you feel better
see if it can make her understand
how you wished things were different
she actually loves you, you big clown
this is the girl you've yearned for so long
you can't separate fiction from fact
and you simply go and break her heart
you don't deserve her even her smile
you have no right to make her cry
are you happy with what you've done
congrats to you my clueless friend
she liked your words and your rhyme
she gave love another chance
she inspired you to fly and soar
she made you feel better than who you are
she misses you everyday
she said she loves you in every way
tell me mea, how many time have you had
a girl that beautiful telling you exactly that
keep crying and torture yourself
keep messing everything up
do yourself a good favour
stay away from being a lover
Dear mea, my poor friend
things are not going exactly to plan
from here on in mark your grave
a girl once found is lost again
congratulation on what you did
you've thrown away the very thing you've always wanted
it's amazing how you've managed
to screw things up time and time again
she was wrong you're not special
you're just a lover in denial
you're a sheepless dumb poet
you're a coward a good one at that
read your poems and read them well
they'll be the only thing closest to hell
read them aloud when you're lonely
and hope that it will cure your stupidity
go to that places you promised her
see if it will make you feel better
see if it can make her understand
how you wished things were different
she actually loves you, you big clown
this is the girl you've yearned for so long
you can't separate fiction from fact
and you simply go and break her heart
you don't deserve her even her smile
you have no right to make her cry
are you happy with what you've done
congrats to you my clueless friend
she liked your words and your rhyme
she gave love another chance
she inspired you to fly and soar
she made you feel better than who you are
she misses you everyday
she said she loves you in every way
tell me mea, how many time have you had
a girl that beautiful telling you exactly that
keep crying and torture yourself
keep messing everything up
do yourself a good favour
stay away from being a lover
Dear mea, my poor friend
things are not going exactly to plan
from here on in mark your grave
a girl once found is lost again
Monday, June 13, 2011
#5
There she is the girl of my dream
Far beyond my wildest imaginings
Can she see me all the way down here
How can something so far feel so near
She pulled me close and kissed my lips
As I just stand there in disbelieve
Do wishes come true
Darling, is this really you
Did she just told me she loves me
Did she just ask me not to leave
Did she just washed my body
Was that her lying next to me
Did we just walked on the beach
Was it my hand she was trying to reach
Was it us who laughed so loud
Is this the girl I’ve been dreaming about
Was it her who moan and scream
As I caressed and licked her skin
Was it me who kissed her forehead
To calm her down and taste her sweat
Are these tears on my face
As she say goodbye and walked away
I’ve given her all I have to give
All I wish is that she remember me
Far beyond my wildest imaginings
Can she see me all the way down here
How can something so far feel so near
She pulled me close and kissed my lips
As I just stand there in disbelieve
Do wishes come true
Darling, is this really you
Did she just told me she loves me
Did she just ask me not to leave
Did she just washed my body
Was that her lying next to me
Did we just walked on the beach
Was it my hand she was trying to reach
Was it us who laughed so loud
Is this the girl I’ve been dreaming about
Was it her who moan and scream
As I caressed and licked her skin
Was it me who kissed her forehead
To calm her down and taste her sweat
Are these tears on my face
As she say goodbye and walked away
I’ve given her all I have to give
All I wish is that she remember me
be still my beating heart
be still, my beating heart
for when she said she loves you
you'll fall on your knees and ask, " what more can I do?"
you'll go to great lenght just to make her happy
you'll starve yourself just so she could eat
you'll pray that she'll knock on your door
as you wait patiently by the window
You'll break any rule anytime anyplace
just to see that beautiful smile on her face
Be still, my beating heart
For when she said she needs you
You'll run to her as fast as you could
You'll ride the wind, the rain and the wave
Just to be her armour and make her safe
You won't care what will become of you
all that matters is that what was one is now two
this could be your only way out
life might be better than once thought
Be still, my beating heart
for when she said she wants to leave
you'll find yourself buried deep
with nothing to hold but your own memories
nothing to care about but your own grief
will she at least turn and take another look
at this person who's bent and broke
nothing to you make sense anymore
nothing to die or live for
all you wanted was to believe
that love is something unimaginary
for when she said she loves you
you'll fall on your knees and ask, " what more can I do?"
you'll go to great lenght just to make her happy
you'll starve yourself just so she could eat
you'll pray that she'll knock on your door
as you wait patiently by the window
You'll break any rule anytime anyplace
just to see that beautiful smile on her face
Be still, my beating heart
For when she said she needs you
You'll run to her as fast as you could
You'll ride the wind, the rain and the wave
Just to be her armour and make her safe
You won't care what will become of you
all that matters is that what was one is now two
this could be your only way out
life might be better than once thought
Be still, my beating heart
for when she said she wants to leave
you'll find yourself buried deep
with nothing to hold but your own memories
nothing to care about but your own grief
will she at least turn and take another look
at this person who's bent and broke
nothing to you make sense anymore
nothing to die or live for
all you wanted was to believe
that love is something unimaginary
#4
I luv u so much that it scares me
Im suddenly thinking of eternity
I want to feel this way forever
And have all of you to savor
Here I am drenched and cold
Standing outside your front door
With nothing to do and nowhere to go
I love you, that’s all I know
I know I seem so frail and weak
I know I acted dumb and stupid
Sayang can’t you see
you have that effect on me
If it’s not too much to ask
Could you hold me and tell me that
You actually need me too
Tell me I’m not another fool
I’ve promised myself never to fall again
Never to let my guard down
But honey what can I do
I’m hopeless when it comes to you
Im suddenly thinking of eternity
I want to feel this way forever
And have all of you to savor
Here I am drenched and cold
Standing outside your front door
With nothing to do and nowhere to go
I love you, that’s all I know
I know I seem so frail and weak
I know I acted dumb and stupid
Sayang can’t you see
you have that effect on me
If it’s not too much to ask
Could you hold me and tell me that
You actually need me too
Tell me I’m not another fool
I’ve promised myself never to fall again
Never to let my guard down
But honey what can I do
I’m hopeless when it comes to you
#3
It feels so cold when you're not around
The birds are singing but I hear no sound
The sun seems to shine somewhere else
life is just a lame routine at best
Soon you'll be in my embrace
Will I be able to hold my tears
but I promise you this my dear Emme
I'll give you all of me everything that i am
Take my heart It's yours to keep
Say you love me that's all I need
Put your hands close to mine
say you love me one more time
The birds are singing but I hear no sound
The sun seems to shine somewhere else
life is just a lame routine at best
Soon you'll be in my embrace
Will I be able to hold my tears
but I promise you this my dear Emme
I'll give you all of me everything that i am
Take my heart It's yours to keep
Say you love me that's all I need
Put your hands close to mine
say you love me one more time
#2
Can you see beyond my skin
Do you know the places I’ve been
Can you see it in my eyes
All the secrets I was trying to hide
Stop me from drifting away
Hold me tight make me stay
Cut me loose heal my wound
Don’t leave me now not so soon
Pick me up help me stand
Help me live be my strength
Brush away all my guilt
Make this heart cease to bleed
Tell me stories of better days
Where birds would sing and horses would graze
Kiss my lips hold my hand
Make me fall in love again
You are in me everything that rhymes
You are the queen on my last dime
You are the 6 on my lucky dice
You are darling, an angel in disguise
Do you know the places I’ve been
Can you see it in my eyes
All the secrets I was trying to hide
Stop me from drifting away
Hold me tight make me stay
Cut me loose heal my wound
Don’t leave me now not so soon
Pick me up help me stand
Help me live be my strength
Brush away all my guilt
Make this heart cease to bleed
Tell me stories of better days
Where birds would sing and horses would graze
Kiss my lips hold my hand
Make me fall in love again
You are in me everything that rhymes
You are the queen on my last dime
You are the 6 on my lucky dice
You are darling, an angel in disguise
#1
Let me level with you
Yes, I love you
I know we can never be
So I’ll keep the love with me
Until we meet again
Until the next train
You said love only happen once
There will never be a second dance
I guess you’re right all along
Silly me for pressing on
Because no matter what I do
I still fail to reach you
Then again who said love is for two
It’s still love if it’s true
I know we can never be
So I’ll keep the love with me
Until you’re in sight
Until the next flight...
Yes, I love you
I know we can never be
So I’ll keep the love with me
Until we meet again
Until the next train
You said love only happen once
There will never be a second dance
I guess you’re right all along
Silly me for pressing on
Because no matter what I do
I still fail to reach you
Then again who said love is for two
It’s still love if it’s true
I know we can never be
So I’ll keep the love with me
Until you’re in sight
Until the next flight...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)