Coffee

Sunday, 1.08am. The caffeine is really kicking in. I’m starting to regret surrendering to my sudden craving for coffee earlier. Here I am wide awake staring at my window panes where the dim streetlight cast streaks of shadows on my faux wool blanket. The whole world seems asleep. It suddenly felt empty. Untroubled. Muted by slumber. The only sound I hear is the ceiling fan turned full blast. The extremely hot and dry end-of-monsoon weather demands for extreme measures.

Emme is also presumably asleep. Some 300 miles away.

It’s been 21 days since the last time I saw her. Magnify that with how much my heart is yearning for her presence right now, I might as well add another 0 to that. No, make that two!

Keeping memories is definitely not my strongest virtue. Earlier today as I was about to leave for work, I left my car keys on the car roof, forgot about it, went back into the house and turn everything upside down looking for it. I end up using a spare key and drove the car all the way to the office with my keys dangling for dear life just on top of my absent minded head. It miraculously survived the ride which proves that Higher Power does exist and He is looking after me.

But someway….somehow, when I’m with Emme, I could remember every single thing that went on. Even the most minute detail. Her scent, how the cool November breeze brushes through her soft hair, how the sunset bounces off its ray on the lake and find itself reflected in her eyes, where we kiss for the first time, what was the weather like and her every move and touch. I could draw out a chronicle of it if I want to. Complete with timelines and maps that contains arrows with dotted lines to illustrate our exact movement. I don’t know how I am able to do this. Honestly, I surprised (and quietly congratulate) myself. I think, having been familiar with my less favourable attribute, Emme is equally surprised. And these memories, they haunt me. Wait, haunt is such a negative word. They uhmm…tease me. And on nights like these, they came in surges. Bringing some sort of dreamlike pleasures and also grief as soon as you 'exorcised' yourself from it. They could linger well through the night as they often did.

I guess, it wasn’t coffee that kept me awake at these ungodly hours after all.

When my mind started to actively ponder about her, the overwhelmingness (yes, that’s not an English word) of it all will prompt me to put into words  what was in mind as evident in the trails I left behind in this blog. Silly as it sounds, almost all the time it ‘quieted’ my mind down perhaps by providing some sort of distraction as I try to find the best word to ‘document’ my thoughts.

Through my writing, I try my absolute best to describe her. And how I felt about her. What was written was exactly how I see her. Time slowed down, butterflies flew about us, flocks of birds brought news that dawn is nigh. Yes, that’s exactly what happened. Everything is beautiful when Emme is around. I don’t know how to explain the way I feel. I guess some things are too good for words.

Some things you just have to live to believe.

By the way, note to self, no more coffee after 7pm!
(I know I’m going to forget this)

bundle of joy

A repetitive gentle pressure on my left cheek woke me up. I opened my eyes. My vision was blurry but kind enough to notice that it was still dark. Lights from the living room swarmed in through the bedroom door that was intentionally left slightly open. Creating a trickery of shadows and silhouettes on the white walls. How long have I been sleeping? The coldness I felt on my skin tells me that dawn is approaching. There’s that constant peck again. I shifted to my left to find Emme wide awake and smiling. She kissed me again. On my lips this time. “Hey baby. Good morning. I love you.” I return the gesture, pulled her into my arms and….return the gesture again.

We promised each other to wake up a bit early that morning so we could finish up baking the cookies. I looked at my watch – 4.00 am. Right on the dot. You can always count on Emme on these things. She’s always so enthusiastic and I’m always so….well to be fair, just a few steps behind. After her attempt to get me up was defeated by my plea for an extra 5 minutes (as usual), she went to the kitchen. I presume, for a headstart.

I lie on the bed and let out a contented smile. Little does she know, I’ve finished baking everything up while she was sleeping. I close my eyes, waiting for a shriek or a “Sayang, what have you done?!” or anything bearing an indication of a shock. Sure enough, as soon as Emme turn on the kitchen light, I heard a long silence and a fast paced footsteps coming towards the bedroom. Emme jumped on top of me (not literally) and said, “Baby what time did you sleep last night? I can’t believe you did this!” I said nothing and gave out a smile. She kissed me over and over.
And yes, I slept at 2.00 am, my back is killing me and I smell like a giant pack of Hershey’s but the look on her face and that kiss – priceless!

She pulled the blanket, held me so close that the edge of her temple touches my lips and we steal a few more hours of sleep.

Morning came not a minute too soon. We scurried out of bed and instinctively head to the kitchen. Cheesy as it sounds, the two cookie jars on the counter top, brought us some sort of a feeling of accomplishment. I hugged her from the back and we swayed from side to side as if dancing to an inaudible music as we kept our eyes fixed on the outcome of what we considered a long time dream came true.




Emme packed the cookies while I prepare the thank you notes. There was much laughter and giggles from our constant tease on each other. At times, I would poke her or tickle her because Emme is so dedicated and when she does something, she’ll get so immersed in what she’s doing and forget about her surrounding (i.e. Me!). Prying for attention, I would try anything just to get her to say something or to laugh – at my expense.




We drove to the post office to drop off the packages. Bound in brown papers and white strings. We smiled all the way. Pleased with our bundles and hoping that it would convey the same joy to the addressee. All 13 of them.

the Garden

The dawn succumbed to the subtle morning ray bearing the shades of gold ochre permeating through the creases in between the hills. The sky freed itself from the darkness in ocean blue suede sporadically decorated with pale white clouds that looked like handfuls of cotton flown around by the breeze. Drawing crowds of little brown birds flying in what seemed like an orchestrated display of bliss. The trees bordered our horizon in an endless patch of moss green fences. The leaves and grasses were still damp and idle as if hanging on to memories of the early morning dew. If you listen hard enough, you can hear the animals rouse each other up in a synchronized melody that only they can decipher. Under the grandeur of it all, I looked at her and realized that I am truly, blessed.

She held my hands tightly. Occasionally kissing them. The garden was filled with all kinds of people. She didn’t seem to care. We were being obvious and oblivious all at the same time. We dodged unfriendly stares and greeted friendly ones with a smile.

The thing that I love most about Emme, is her ability to resonate with my thoughts. And we can’t stop pouring our thoughts upon each other. Looking for common agreement and always finding them. We talked about our future and we adorn our imaginations with hopes of better things, sunny days and butterflies.

Emme is the kind of girl who treated you as though you are as fragile as a wine glass that needs extra dampering and pampering yet she held you up and made you believe that the things that you once thought impossible are just exactly that – mere thoughts. Put those aside and you can achieve anything, be anyone, go anywhere. It is with her that I witness how my life changes in a flash.

It always seems like life never failed to gratify her. She sees beauty in the smallest thing. Like a butterfly that briefly swirl around us or how the mist covers the hills on a delightful morning such as this. I felt privileged to have the pleasure of seeing the world from the eyes of this tiny girl who giggles and wonders at the sight of things people took for granted. Things we deem redundant.

We walked slowly around the garden passing by a dried up streams that loath for a promise of rain. The sun had moved beyond the trees. We made our way downhill. Back to where we begin.
As I gazed at her for probably the hundredth time this morning, I thank God that I’ve finally found who I am, in Emme.

Fairytale

Dear Emme,

It was not long ago when Mea was just Mea. A friend who tried so hard to be a stranger. Who tried to connect and dislodge when she think she’s gotten too close. Who seemed concern but didn’t seem to care enough. Who smiled and shy away. Whose affection and indifference intertwined into a confusion of misinterpreted intention and hazy hints. I know I bewildered you as much as I did myself. I was trying to lead you off the trails that I left behind. The breadcrumbs to my deepest secret. The one I could never let you know.
The simple truth - I love you

You were as real as anyone can be and as unreachable as the most farfetched fairytale. And I was so convinced that happily ever after was not meant for me.

Thank you for proving otherwise. Thank you for giving love a whole new meaning and happiness another chance.

You got me living on the edge of my seat. You got me excited about life again.

Happy birthday, Mea

29th December 2011, 10.15pm

The dinner by the lake was amazing. The diner was a full house as it always is every single night. Above us, the sky seemed draped in dark satin dotted with tiny specks of sparkling whites forming the constellation of Orion – The Hunter. Pulling his arrow valiantly across the universe in a quest for heavenly creatures. Little did he know, nothing is more heavenly than this creature closer to ground. Sitting right next to me. She was beaming with all the glory a woman could have. She smiles as she talks about life and how she goes about living it. I listened attentively. Admiring her grace and unique gestures. The way she moved her fingers in an attempt to accentuate each spoken words. And how her hair fell on her face every now and again. And every now and again, she would pause, look me straight in the eyes with the most endearing gaze and rest her hands on mine. That gave me butterflies – every single time. Fighting the urge to kiss her, I bit my lips instead.

We attend to our plates and kept talking until there were more empty chairs than there were people.

As Orion makes his way to the far horizon, we bade the lake goodnight.

Half past 11 pm. As we drove home, Emme made an abrupt request that we make one last stop at her office. I obliged. We went to the 10th Floor. I noticed that she wasn’t following the same path to her desk. Still, I followed unassumingly. One door led to another until we finally came to an open space somewhere at the edge of the building. There were trees and shrubs planted here. The cool breeze that blows bestowed some life on the greeneries. Down below cars were passing through the alleys in between the concrete maze. Streetlights offer some presentable view of what lays on the ground. A teak chair and table decorated an empty corner where I was asked to sit and wait. Emme disappeared and came back moments later holding a white box. Something was lit inside the box. The orange tinged light flickered on her face. “Surprise!” she said as she walked towards me. I just stand frozen like a wax statue. Mouth agape. I was speechless and flattered. She placed the pavlova right in front of me. I made a wish with my eyes closed and blew the candle. I pulled her closer. “Gosh sayang. I can’t believe you did this!” My voice was husky as I tried to hold my tears.
This time around, I didn’t make a wish for myself. I already have everything I need.

Wrapped in my arms right here on the 10th floor.


30th December 2011

The thin curtains filtered the morning sunlight. Mellowing it into welcoming warmth as it gets reflected on the bedroom walls. It brought along with it distant chirps of House Sparrows and Indian Mynas. Emme was still breathing deep. Her eyes closed. I traced her crimson lips with my fingers. An overwhelming feeling came over me. I shuddered. God, I love this girl so much. In this cold, deceitful world, this is the only thing I’m sure of. This is my remedy.

As she opened her eyes slowly, it was as if the whole room lighted up and the whole world quieted down. She smiled and kissed me instantaneously as though resuming a paused action from last night when she fell asleep. “Happy birthday sayang”, she whispered as her hands make their way around me. We laid in bed for a while longer.

Breakfast was brief. We packed our suitcase and head to the beach. It has been a while since our last vacation. Needless to say, we were extremely exhilarated. Our room was on the 7th floor. It was everything we hoped it would be and more. It offered more space than we needed. A door opened up to a miniature pool just inches from the bed. There was a small aisle by the side of the pool that leads to a balcony. From there all you can see is the wide open space where the Straits of Malacca meets the sizzling December sky. The afternoon sun penetrates and bounces all over the room creating a specter of mesmerizing patterns on the ceiling where the pool is. It was perfect.

We spent most of the time in the pool. Emme sported a dark blue bikini. I can’t believe how good she looked on those. Her curves were apparent. Her wet hair added a kind of sensuality to the whole look. She was absolutely gorgeous. We were having the time of our lives. The only thing that motivated us to get out of the pool is our primal hunger.

When the day was over, we went for a walk by the edge of the sea. The night was serene. I held her hands at all times. We talked about the past and our future plans. We talked about triumphs and defeats. We talked about hopes and dreams. But mostly, we talked about us. I told her I love her with everything I have and how I wish the night would never end. Under the moonless sky, we kissed and made an oath for eternity.

The sound of a door being closed woke me up from my momentary reverie.


The hallway is lined by neatly placed pale blue plastic chairs as though waiting for an audience to fill it up. The walls are dotted with cello tapes all yellowed and wrinkled by age. A reminder that something was put up there once. Something important for everyone to read and know. I sat somewhere in the middle. Looking at the opening at the end of the hallway where cars are passing by. It’s scorching hot out there. I’m glad I’m in the shades.

“Mea?” Someone peek through the creaking door and called my name. She could have just called me in since I’m the only one there. I could have answered sarcastically, “Mea who?” That would have been funny, wouldn’t it? But I shrugged off the thought, nodded and walk into the room quietly instead.

I sit in front of a middle age lady. Her hair was neat and the color of amber. She has pleasant eyes. She has the ability to speak through those eyes. To reassure people that everything’s going to be ok. And she knows it.

“So, Mea what can I do for you today?” She asked while reading a pink card that have been scribbled with the history of my previous visits. I told her I’ve been having this recurring fever and headaches. After some brief examination, she told me I have sinusitis and bronchitis. Bronchitis? That sounds serious. I made a mental note to google it later. “I’m going to give you a very strong antibiotic on top of your standard fever drugs. If your fever persists, please come back. We need to figure out a better regiment.” Regiment. Right. I don’t need a better regiment. I know what I need to get better. The only problem is, she’s hundreds of miles away.

Happy Birthday, Mea Fabella