Here's to us

The window pane flickered in bright white lights. Cold dense breeze gushes from in between the openings and blew the drapes about in a chaotic fit. Outside, the trees succumbed to the rising tempest and sway submissively. Shedding leaves that brushes against the dry rust colored ground below.  The weather was restless and thick. A storm is brewing.

The room was kept dim intentionally. A 5 watt bulb that emanates feeblishly from the corner of the room reminds me of the warmth of the morning sun. I laid half awake on my half empty queen size bed. My mind wondered aimlessly but not far from whatever image, sounds and senses that surrounds my recollection of me and her. They flow unambiguously like drops of molten snow that flows into streams and lakes at the mercy of the approaching spring.

 The defiant cloud finally gave way and let out an unrelenting burst. The roof tiles roared as it receives the heavy shower. I pulled my blanket towards my chest. What is it about the rain that intensifies your longing for the conquering allure of a lover?

It’s been a year. My mind was trying to make sense of that. I calculated it in hours and days and months and came up with an insignificant sum of numbers. Numbers that fail miserably in explaining the significance of events like the nights I stayed awake with my arms around her  as the silent darkness eases into dawn that always came too soon.  Waiting for her to open her eyes again so our story could resume.

Or the time when we went to a retreat above the hills. It was drizzling as we made our way to the top. The road was narrow, winding and steep. That didn’t seem to bother the truck driver. He maneuvered carelessly and effortlessly up the aged asphalt trail. The hard rubber pushed dirt and pebbles down the deep ravine as it struggles for grips. The truck rattles and growls in protest. We held on to whatever that was within our reach. I held her arms. We were literally jumping about in the truck. Laughing hard. This felt like an adventure to us. Late afternoon, we sat at the edge of the hill, watching the sun descends where the horizon ends. I remembered swallows flying around us. Forming dark shadows as they flew over of the somnolent sun. I remembered staring at her beautiful, infiltrating eyes and praying for time to freeze just this one time.

And numbers can’t describe the sorrow of being away from her and the helplessness I felt of not being able to be there for her when life was being unkind and human was being….human.

I closed my eyes and move about on my bed, trying to run away from that thought. 
Then, I saw her again. She was wearing a white dress the color of salt water pearl. It complimented her curves and creases flawlessly. The dress train flows and trails her as she walked across the living room. She beamed with joy. I was ecstatic and amazed by this gorgeous creature that stood in front of me. I picked that dress just a day earlier, not knowing whether it will fit her or if she would like it. She turned to me and asked how the dress looked on her. Wide eyed, I somehow managed to smile and said, “Perfect sayang. You looked perfect”. She wrapped her arms around me. I gave her a kiss. “I guess we’ve found your wedding dress”.

The rain subsided into tiny droplets that made an almost hypnotic sound as it made its way down into the moss clad drain from the edge of the clay roof tiles.

As I drifted into my slumber I thank God for an answered prayers. Never have I been so happy in my life and never have I had someone loved me as much as she did. A year had passed since she gave me that first kiss. We have been through a lot of trials and tribulation. But looking back, I see nothing but two girls sitting on a boulder, at the edge of the hill, sharing a kiss.

Happy anniversary Emme Fabella. It has been a wonderful year. Thank you for having me.

I’m lucky to have been given the privilege to walk by your side.

Remember that you will always have all of Mea.

Here’s to us.

Wedding Gown Delivery

Cant wait to say ' I DO'.

Coffee

Sunday, 1.08am. The caffeine is really kicking in. I’m starting to regret surrendering to my sudden craving for coffee earlier. Here I am wide awake staring at my window panes where the dim streetlight cast streaks of shadows on my faux wool blanket. The whole world seems asleep. It suddenly felt empty. Untroubled. Muted by slumber. The only sound I hear is the ceiling fan turned full blast. The extremely hot and dry end-of-monsoon weather demands for extreme measures.

Emme is also presumably asleep. Some 300 miles away.

It’s been 21 days since the last time I saw her. Magnify that with how much my heart is yearning for her presence right now, I might as well add another 0 to that. No, make that two!

Keeping memories is definitely not my strongest virtue. Earlier today as I was about to leave for work, I left my car keys on the car roof, forgot about it, went back into the house and turn everything upside down looking for it. I end up using a spare key and drove the car all the way to the office with my keys dangling for dear life just on top of my absent minded head. It miraculously survived the ride which proves that Higher Power does exist and He is looking after me.

But someway….somehow, when I’m with Emme, I could remember every single thing that went on. Even the most minute detail. Her scent, how the cool November breeze brushes through her soft hair, how the sunset bounces off its ray on the lake and find itself reflected in her eyes, where we kiss for the first time, what was the weather like and her every move and touch. I could draw out a chronicle of it if I want to. Complete with timelines and maps that contains arrows with dotted lines to illustrate our exact movement. I don’t know how I am able to do this. Honestly, I surprised (and quietly congratulate) myself. I think, having been familiar with my less favourable attribute, Emme is equally surprised. And these memories, they haunt me. Wait, haunt is such a negative word. They uhmm…tease me. And on nights like these, they came in surges. Bringing some sort of dreamlike pleasures and also grief as soon as you 'exorcised' yourself from it. They could linger well through the night as they often did.

I guess, it wasn’t coffee that kept me awake at these ungodly hours after all.

When my mind started to actively ponder about her, the overwhelmingness (yes, that’s not an English word) of it all will prompt me to put into words  what was in mind as evident in the trails I left behind in this blog. Silly as it sounds, almost all the time it ‘quieted’ my mind down perhaps by providing some sort of distraction as I try to find the best word to ‘document’ my thoughts.

Through my writing, I try my absolute best to describe her. And how I felt about her. What was written was exactly how I see her. Time slowed down, butterflies flew about us, flocks of birds brought news that dawn is nigh. Yes, that’s exactly what happened. Everything is beautiful when Emme is around. I don’t know how to explain the way I feel. I guess some things are too good for words.

Some things you just have to live to believe.

By the way, note to self, no more coffee after 7pm!
(I know I’m going to forget this)

bundle of joy

A repetitive gentle pressure on my left cheek woke me up. I opened my eyes. My vision was blurry but kind enough to notice that it was still dark. Lights from the living room swarmed in through the bedroom door that was intentionally left slightly open. Creating a trickery of shadows and silhouettes on the white walls. How long have I been sleeping? The coldness I felt on my skin tells me that dawn is approaching. There’s that constant peck again. I shifted to my left to find Emme wide awake and smiling. She kissed me again. On my lips this time. “Hey baby. Good morning. I love you.” I return the gesture, pulled her into my arms and….return the gesture again.

We promised each other to wake up a bit early that morning so we could finish up baking the cookies. I looked at my watch – 4.00 am. Right on the dot. You can always count on Emme on these things. She’s always so enthusiastic and I’m always so….well to be fair, just a few steps behind. After her attempt to get me up was defeated by my plea for an extra 5 minutes (as usual), she went to the kitchen. I presume, for a headstart.

I lie on the bed and let out a contented smile. Little does she know, I’ve finished baking everything up while she was sleeping. I close my eyes, waiting for a shriek or a “Sayang, what have you done?!” or anything bearing an indication of a shock. Sure enough, as soon as Emme turn on the kitchen light, I heard a long silence and a fast paced footsteps coming towards the bedroom. Emme jumped on top of me (not literally) and said, “Baby what time did you sleep last night? I can’t believe you did this!” I said nothing and gave out a smile. She kissed me over and over.
And yes, I slept at 2.00 am, my back is killing me and I smell like a giant pack of Hershey’s but the look on her face and that kiss – priceless!

She pulled the blanket, held me so close that the edge of her temple touches my lips and we steal a few more hours of sleep.

Morning came not a minute too soon. We scurried out of bed and instinctively head to the kitchen. Cheesy as it sounds, the two cookie jars on the counter top, brought us some sort of a feeling of accomplishment. I hugged her from the back and we swayed from side to side as if dancing to an inaudible music as we kept our eyes fixed on the outcome of what we considered a long time dream came true.




Emme packed the cookies while I prepare the thank you notes. There was much laughter and giggles from our constant tease on each other. At times, I would poke her or tickle her because Emme is so dedicated and when she does something, she’ll get so immersed in what she’s doing and forget about her surrounding (i.e. Me!). Prying for attention, I would try anything just to get her to say something or to laugh – at my expense.




We drove to the post office to drop off the packages. Bound in brown papers and white strings. We smiled all the way. Pleased with our bundles and hoping that it would convey the same joy to the addressee. All 13 of them.

the Garden

The dawn succumbed to the subtle morning ray bearing the shades of gold ochre permeating through the creases in between the hills. The sky freed itself from the darkness in ocean blue suede sporadically decorated with pale white clouds that looked like handfuls of cotton flown around by the breeze. Drawing crowds of little brown birds flying in what seemed like an orchestrated display of bliss. The trees bordered our horizon in an endless patch of moss green fences. The leaves and grasses were still damp and idle as if hanging on to memories of the early morning dew. If you listen hard enough, you can hear the animals rouse each other up in a synchronized melody that only they can decipher. Under the grandeur of it all, I looked at her and realized that I am truly, blessed.

She held my hands tightly. Occasionally kissing them. The garden was filled with all kinds of people. She didn’t seem to care. We were being obvious and oblivious all at the same time. We dodged unfriendly stares and greeted friendly ones with a smile.

The thing that I love most about Emme, is her ability to resonate with my thoughts. And we can’t stop pouring our thoughts upon each other. Looking for common agreement and always finding them. We talked about our future and we adorn our imaginations with hopes of better things, sunny days and butterflies.

Emme is the kind of girl who treated you as though you are as fragile as a wine glass that needs extra dampering and pampering yet she held you up and made you believe that the things that you once thought impossible are just exactly that – mere thoughts. Put those aside and you can achieve anything, be anyone, go anywhere. It is with her that I witness how my life changes in a flash.

It always seems like life never failed to gratify her. She sees beauty in the smallest thing. Like a butterfly that briefly swirl around us or how the mist covers the hills on a delightful morning such as this. I felt privileged to have the pleasure of seeing the world from the eyes of this tiny girl who giggles and wonders at the sight of things people took for granted. Things we deem redundant.

We walked slowly around the garden passing by a dried up streams that loath for a promise of rain. The sun had moved beyond the trees. We made our way downhill. Back to where we begin.
As I gazed at her for probably the hundredth time this morning, I thank God that I’ve finally found who I am, in Emme.