That Night

I stood in front of the hotel room, rubbing my hands together. My feet started to feel cold when i heard someone unlocking the door. Gosh why did I even agree to this? Good first impression is not my strongest virtue. Well, i wasn't  sure if it’s even on my list of virtues.

While i was contemplating to wait in the car, a face suddenly emerged from the slightly ajar door, smiling.

‘Come in’ she said, pulling the door in as i tailed my friend into the hotel room.

‘This is Emme’.

The brief introduction sent us all into silence.

I held my breath, looked straight at the girl with the ponytail and extended my hand.

Still wearing a smile, she shook my hand politely but looked away as soon as her eyes met mine.

‘Mea’

Her voice was barely audible.

'So this is Mea' i said to myself.

The Vow of Mea and Emme

I fear not what has surmounted me

Indeed this is the path never foretold

I know not what luck has stricken me

Dear Heaven, I may never know

May I have the promise of tomorrow

Grant me the luxury of your affection

Make me a woman unknown to sorrow

Be the reason for my contentment

Take these hands into yours

Though frail and callow they may seem

Yet for you they shall devour

Everything wicked and least worthy

This is my vow, my pledge of conviction

That your love shall never be forsaken

Liberate this heart from grief and forlorn

Be my saviour, Rule our kingdom.

(10.11.12 : Yes baby, I Do...)

Dexter and I

KL Sentral was muted by the consistent melody coming from my headphones.

“If I had only felt the warmth within your touch,

If I had only seen how you smile when you blush,

And how you curl your lips when you concentrate enough,

I would have known what I was living for all along…

What I’ve been living for…”

Sleeping At Last – Turning Page

I came down the main stairs on the arrival floor feeling like I was making a grand entrance. Look at me. I am a guest no more. This is my home now. Any first timer here? Anything I can do to help? I know it can be quite confusing. I used to travel here too…

The 8 hours train ride topped with the pseudoephedrine pills I swallowed earlier took quite a nasty toll on me. I am drowsier than a horse on tranquilizers. Behind me, my load hangs like a lion on a gazelle’s back. Tenacious and insistent. Shabbily packed in them are books, shirts, pants, random toiletries, a tent and Dexter. Dexter is a teddy bear which Emme had given to me back when we were still friends. The name was borrowed from her favorite cartoon character. Bart has a soft fur the color of heavy cream and he wore a brown shirt that says ‘it’s a boy!’

It’s hard to believe that someday life would make a sharp, two-wheels-off-the-ground turn where Dexter will be returned to its original owner and Mea would be allowed to tag along. Until this very day, whenever our eyes met and everything around us went silent, I would ask her the question that I’ve asked a million times – “Are you really Emme?”

My vertigo was preventing me from walking faster than I wanted to. Just on the other side of the glass wall, I saw her.  She smiled and made her way towards me. That 30 feet, felt like a walk on a treadmill.

She took my hands. And within her clasp, doubts and fears, disappear.

We arrived home close to midnight. As the front door closes, I seek my overdue kisses which Emme duly obliged. And this time something felt different. Something was missing and would never be missed.

They were no despair.

A long shower scrapped away the plight and grimes of the day. As I lay in bed, Emme took something from the other room and lie down next to me. Her cheek resting on my shoulder.

“Baby, this is something I bought in Shanghai. It says ‘home’. This is for us.”

I took the rectangular object the color of blood from her hands, smiled and whispered, “home”. Then Emme showed me another one.

“And sayang this is ‘happiness’. At first I thought of getting you one that says ‘love’ but then I changed my mind.”

I looked into her eyes. Puzzled. She kissed my cheek and put her arms around me.

She continues, “I don’t want you to have to go through a situation where you love someone but she does not love you or being loved by someone you can’t love in return. So I got you this because happiness is all I ever wish for you”, she choked and tears began to pool in her weary eyes.

I wanted to say, “That’s silly sayang. I don’t need to look for love. I have you. You love me, don’t you?” but my own voice deceived me and my tears were all that’s left to utter what’s unspoken.

And I don’t need to look for happiness either. I have it here. In my arms.

I kissed her eyes. It’s time for bed.

Emme’s breathing deepened as she gradually drifted away from her own consciousness. I looked out the window and watched the heavy clouds wafted lazily towards the shore. Down below, the city lights flickered restlessly from afar.

I recited a prayer and closed my eyes.

I kept thinking about the journey I took to get to where I am this very night. The cuts and bruises. The quest to find answers to questions I can’t even comprehend. It has been a long, long ride. But tonight, I can finally rest my head down. I can finally exhale. I have arrived.

And as darkness steered away into dawn, I kept imagining a picture of Emme and myself, hugging Dexter on a front cover of a fairy tale book. Except this is not a fairy tale.

Not anymore.

3 bags full

3 bags. 3 bulky bags. I’m at the train station looking at my load and I almost laughed because I can’t remember what I put in them. I know one sack is filled with an array of random shoes. Some I might not even consider wearing. Why on earth did I bring them in the first place anyway? I’m too excited to care. Time seems to move so unhurriedly. Like a dull Monday after a long holiday.  Can I just tap my ruby slippers 3 times and ‘poof’, I’m lying by her side and tomorrow is the first day at my new job? Guess not. I don’t fancy ruby slippers.

A voice of an assumingly young lady came off a low quality speaker with the volume turned full blast. As soon as I heard the tap on the microphone, I knew something’s wrong. I was right. They will be a slight delay due to a ‘slight’ difficulty. Oh man… it’s going to be a long night. I set down my baggage one by one. Followed by my delayed ass.

As always, I’m on the phone with Emme. She will keep me company until I get to my bunker aka berth. Keeping me happy while I wait for my ride. Come to think of it, we’re always on the phone. We might not be living together (yet) but I think we’re so updated about what the other person is doing that we can’t even tell that we’re living apart. We even took the phone to the shower! (Thanks to the wonderful world of speakerphone). Ok, that might sound a bit perverted so please disregard that last comment if you’re under 18 or are easily disgusted or both.

I sat on an old taken down wooden electric pole turned bench. I’m guessing it was ‘cengal emas’. A few people sat with me. Some of them wear their frustration outside. Others just looked, sleepy. Some even slept where they sat, to my amazement.

In 3 weeks, I will be boarding my one way train. I will be moving in with Emme. Excited? That’s an understatement. Ecstatic? Getting warmer. Truth is, I’m so happy, I’m literally numb. Hence the three bags of random, utterly useless stuff that I’m about to dump at Emme’s house and declare as my essential belongings. Well, at least we can have a good laugh about it later.

In all seriousness, I am still unable to digest what is actually going on. This is our dream. This is an answered prayer. But when it finally happened, we just don’t know how to begin to take it in. We’re like 2 squirrels trapped in a nut silo. We go nuts. Literally!

Emme still ask me now and again whether this is really happening and I still gave her a long pause before the hesitant ‘yes’. And I am still trying to reassure myself that yes means yes!

And then everything came pouring in. Fear, doubt, anxiety. Thanks to the power of overthinking. Will I be able to make her happy? Is she going to feel annoyed with me after a while? Are we going to get into fights? Gosh, scary thoughts. But Emme reassured me that everything’s going to work out fine. And that it’s impossible for her to be annoyed with me as long as I shower regularly and reduce my habit of saying things in a repetitive manner. That will need practice but, achievable.

In 3 weeks, I will be sleeping in the warmth of her satin like skin and waking up to her beautiful smile. And they’ll be no more goodbyes. No more abrupt meetings. We don’t have to try to cramp a month of activities in one weekend. Soon, we can take it slow. We can walk by the lake and wait for the sunset. We can sip the coffee when it’s really below skin scorching temperature. Goodness gracious me, we can loaf! That is a luxury we have never tasted before.

The speaker lady spoke again. The train had overcome its slight difficulties and is now on its way to pick us poor sleepy soul. I am coming my love. With me are prove that soon, I won’t be leaving anymore. Soon, we will be doing all those things we’ve always dreamed about. Soon. We’ll be together.

Hang on tight sweetheart, we’re going for a ride.

There She Goes Again

She was singing. And subtly dancing. She weaved her delicate fingers around the mirror-like metal pole. The speeding train was half filled with people. A few of them took a longer than necessary stare at this animated girl who seemed unaware of where she is and what is around. She’s always like this. Bubbly and full of life. When she’s happy, she’ll show it. Regardless of where or when.

Sometimes, when we’re in a crowded place, she’ll pretend (?) like she’s about to kiss me. She’ll ease in real slow. And I’ll blush and start reciting a mantra in my head “she’s not going to do it…she’s not going to do it, She’s not…” And then when she got too close, I’ll panicked and say something like, “Hey there’s people around, Hun.” And then she’ll give me her common reply, “I wasn’t really going to do it.” And smirk at my defeat.

Emme has this sense of openness about her. Ingenuous and honest. In that sense she’s got more guts than I do. I am incredibly shy. My bubbliness is reserved for her and her only. But she inspired me. To not care. About what people might think of me/us.

“Let them judge”, she always said.

“They don’t know us. I KNOW you. And that’s all that matters”.

I promised myself that someday, I am going to dance with her, on a speeding train.
And I won't give a damn about anything else but my steps and this beautiful girl who is dancing around with me.