the Garden

The dawn succumbed to the subtle morning ray bearing the shades of gold ochre permeating through the creases in between the hills. The sky freed itself from the darkness in ocean blue suede sporadically decorated with pale white clouds that looked like handfuls of cotton flown around by the breeze. Drawing crowds of little brown birds flying in what seemed like an orchestrated display of bliss. The trees bordered our horizon in an endless patch of moss green fences. The leaves and grasses were still damp and idle as if hanging on to memories of the early morning dew. If you listen hard enough, you can hear the animals rouse each other up in a synchronized melody that only they can decipher. Under the grandeur of it all, I looked at her and realized that I am truly, blessed.

She held my hands tightly. Occasionally kissing them. The garden was filled with all kinds of people. She didn’t seem to care. We were being obvious and oblivious all at the same time. We dodged unfriendly stares and greeted friendly ones with a smile.

The thing that I love most about Emme, is her ability to resonate with my thoughts. And we can’t stop pouring our thoughts upon each other. Looking for common agreement and always finding them. We talked about our future and we adorn our imaginations with hopes of better things, sunny days and butterflies.

Emme is the kind of girl who treated you as though you are as fragile as a wine glass that needs extra dampering and pampering yet she held you up and made you believe that the things that you once thought impossible are just exactly that – mere thoughts. Put those aside and you can achieve anything, be anyone, go anywhere. It is with her that I witness how my life changes in a flash.

It always seems like life never failed to gratify her. She sees beauty in the smallest thing. Like a butterfly that briefly swirl around us or how the mist covers the hills on a delightful morning such as this. I felt privileged to have the pleasure of seeing the world from the eyes of this tiny girl who giggles and wonders at the sight of things people took for granted. Things we deem redundant.

We walked slowly around the garden passing by a dried up streams that loath for a promise of rain. The sun had moved beyond the trees. We made our way downhill. Back to where we begin.
As I gazed at her for probably the hundredth time this morning, I thank God that I’ve finally found who I am, in Emme.

Fairytale

Dear Emme,

It was not long ago when Mea was just Mea. A friend who tried so hard to be a stranger. Who tried to connect and dislodge when she think she’s gotten too close. Who seemed concern but didn’t seem to care enough. Who smiled and shy away. Whose affection and indifference intertwined into a confusion of misinterpreted intention and hazy hints. I know I bewildered you as much as I did myself. I was trying to lead you off the trails that I left behind. The breadcrumbs to my deepest secret. The one I could never let you know.
The simple truth - I love you

You were as real as anyone can be and as unreachable as the most farfetched fairytale. And I was so convinced that happily ever after was not meant for me.

Thank you for proving otherwise. Thank you for giving love a whole new meaning and happiness another chance.

You got me living on the edge of my seat. You got me excited about life again.

Happy birthday, Mea

29th December 2011, 10.15pm

The dinner by the lake was amazing. The diner was a full house as it always is every single night. Above us, the sky seemed draped in dark satin dotted with tiny specks of sparkling whites forming the constellation of Orion – The Hunter. Pulling his arrow valiantly across the universe in a quest for heavenly creatures. Little did he know, nothing is more heavenly than this creature closer to ground. Sitting right next to me. She was beaming with all the glory a woman could have. She smiles as she talks about life and how she goes about living it. I listened attentively. Admiring her grace and unique gestures. The way she moved her fingers in an attempt to accentuate each spoken words. And how her hair fell on her face every now and again. And every now and again, she would pause, look me straight in the eyes with the most endearing gaze and rest her hands on mine. That gave me butterflies – every single time. Fighting the urge to kiss her, I bit my lips instead.

We attend to our plates and kept talking until there were more empty chairs than there were people.

As Orion makes his way to the far horizon, we bade the lake goodnight.

Half past 11 pm. As we drove home, Emme made an abrupt request that we make one last stop at her office. I obliged. We went to the 10th Floor. I noticed that she wasn’t following the same path to her desk. Still, I followed unassumingly. One door led to another until we finally came to an open space somewhere at the edge of the building. There were trees and shrubs planted here. The cool breeze that blows bestowed some life on the greeneries. Down below cars were passing through the alleys in between the concrete maze. Streetlights offer some presentable view of what lays on the ground. A teak chair and table decorated an empty corner where I was asked to sit and wait. Emme disappeared and came back moments later holding a white box. Something was lit inside the box. The orange tinged light flickered on her face. “Surprise!” she said as she walked towards me. I just stand frozen like a wax statue. Mouth agape. I was speechless and flattered. She placed the pavlova right in front of me. I made a wish with my eyes closed and blew the candle. I pulled her closer. “Gosh sayang. I can’t believe you did this!” My voice was husky as I tried to hold my tears.
This time around, I didn’t make a wish for myself. I already have everything I need.

Wrapped in my arms right here on the 10th floor.


30th December 2011

The thin curtains filtered the morning sunlight. Mellowing it into welcoming warmth as it gets reflected on the bedroom walls. It brought along with it distant chirps of House Sparrows and Indian Mynas. Emme was still breathing deep. Her eyes closed. I traced her crimson lips with my fingers. An overwhelming feeling came over me. I shuddered. God, I love this girl so much. In this cold, deceitful world, this is the only thing I’m sure of. This is my remedy.

As she opened her eyes slowly, it was as if the whole room lighted up and the whole world quieted down. She smiled and kissed me instantaneously as though resuming a paused action from last night when she fell asleep. “Happy birthday sayang”, she whispered as her hands make their way around me. We laid in bed for a while longer.

Breakfast was brief. We packed our suitcase and head to the beach. It has been a while since our last vacation. Needless to say, we were extremely exhilarated. Our room was on the 7th floor. It was everything we hoped it would be and more. It offered more space than we needed. A door opened up to a miniature pool just inches from the bed. There was a small aisle by the side of the pool that leads to a balcony. From there all you can see is the wide open space where the Straits of Malacca meets the sizzling December sky. The afternoon sun penetrates and bounces all over the room creating a specter of mesmerizing patterns on the ceiling where the pool is. It was perfect.

We spent most of the time in the pool. Emme sported a dark blue bikini. I can’t believe how good she looked on those. Her curves were apparent. Her wet hair added a kind of sensuality to the whole look. She was absolutely gorgeous. We were having the time of our lives. The only thing that motivated us to get out of the pool is our primal hunger.

When the day was over, we went for a walk by the edge of the sea. The night was serene. I held her hands at all times. We talked about the past and our future plans. We talked about triumphs and defeats. We talked about hopes and dreams. But mostly, we talked about us. I told her I love her with everything I have and how I wish the night would never end. Under the moonless sky, we kissed and made an oath for eternity.

The sound of a door being closed woke me up from my momentary reverie.


The hallway is lined by neatly placed pale blue plastic chairs as though waiting for an audience to fill it up. The walls are dotted with cello tapes all yellowed and wrinkled by age. A reminder that something was put up there once. Something important for everyone to read and know. I sat somewhere in the middle. Looking at the opening at the end of the hallway where cars are passing by. It’s scorching hot out there. I’m glad I’m in the shades.

“Mea?” Someone peek through the creaking door and called my name. She could have just called me in since I’m the only one there. I could have answered sarcastically, “Mea who?” That would have been funny, wouldn’t it? But I shrugged off the thought, nodded and walk into the room quietly instead.

I sit in front of a middle age lady. Her hair was neat and the color of amber. She has pleasant eyes. She has the ability to speak through those eyes. To reassure people that everything’s going to be ok. And she knows it.

“So, Mea what can I do for you today?” She asked while reading a pink card that have been scribbled with the history of my previous visits. I told her I’ve been having this recurring fever and headaches. After some brief examination, she told me I have sinusitis and bronchitis. Bronchitis? That sounds serious. I made a mental note to google it later. “I’m going to give you a very strong antibiotic on top of your standard fever drugs. If your fever persists, please come back. We need to figure out a better regiment.” Regiment. Right. I don’t need a better regiment. I know what I need to get better. The only problem is, she’s hundreds of miles away.

Happy Birthday, Mea Fabella

To be loved by her

Is to comprehend yet wonder
To have questions answered with another
To be removed from all fear
To be so close but not quite near

To stand still and be blown away
To be saved from being astray
To see beauty in many forms
To rise beyond all norms

Like

A touch of color on black and grey
A streak of light on the darkest day
A scent of rose on my best silk
A summer bouquet freshly picked

Never shall I depart from this dream
Nor will I deny the way I feel
For I am deeply enthralled
By the beauty of it all

mocha cherry

Present day

Another spoonful of milk of magnesia. It suddenly occurred to me that the concoction has the appearance and consistency of a bird’s droppings. Yuck! I close my eyes trying to shove the thought away. I try instead imagining the mixture flowing down, covering the inner lining of my stomach. Curing whatever cut or abrasion that has been causing this unbearable pain. I’ve never been stabbed before but I reckon this is as close as it gets to one. It’s like being slashed from the inside. It’s been a while since my last gastritis. And this time they are back with reinforcement – fever and a splitting headache. Here I am crouching in the middle of the living room calling her name. Like a chant. If only she’s here. She’ll know what to do.

It’s amazing to think that just a few days ago Mea was up and running. It’s amazing how things could change in a split second. You’ll never know what tomorrow will throw on your doorstep. That’s a pretty scary thought.

_____________________________________________

Friday, 11.11.11

Work was overwhelming. Five meetings in one day, two reports and one presentation due next week. Not to mention a mountain of unresolved issues that depended upon Mea’s inexperienced wit. I think that sums up on my mental condition lately. It’s hard to put up a smile on days like these. I’m drained. I need a break. I need a big hug. I need a wet sloppy kiss. I need Emme.

Her days weren’t paradise either. She’s been working late. She’s got three events to organize in two months. Plus, she’s running a high fever. She could use a hug or two.

We both need each other. Badly.

9.29 pm. The bus was half an hour late. I was getting restless. The guy at the counter reassured me (for the third time) that the bus was in fact on its way. When it finally came, it brought a slight drizzle with it. There’s always something melancholic about drizzles. It felt like an allegory of despair and longing. Heaven’s rendition of misery. Or maybe it’s just me.

Four hours is how long it takes to arrive in her embrace. I told Emme to try and get some sleep. I’ll let her know when I’m almost there. The road will be too long and the bus too slow. As usual.

An hour past midnight. The weather was clear here. The moon was full. Engulfing everything along its path as it hovers towards the other side of the horizon. Turning them into a dull tinge of beige and grey. As my feet hit the tarmac, I immediately saw her waiting by the car. The moonlight shone from the background. Obscuring her into a shadowy outline of delicate shapes and curves. Something escaladed deep inside of me. Like a bubble waiting to burst. My smile came back. Here I am two steps away from my remedy. Emme spread her arms. “Oh baby, I miss you so much”, I said as I plunged into her. “You’re here”, Emme whispered into my ears. Her eyes were puffy and her skin was burning. She’s still feverish.

As we laid on the bed, arms knitted around each other, I was in disbelieve that I’m actually here. It felt like a dream. It always does. Emme kissed me. Almost continuously. She reassured me that everything’s going to be ok. I promised her the same. And just like that, I forgot about all my troubles. I forgot about work and the life I left behind. Report? What report?

Emme’s fever was getting better. We spent the day doing the things we love. We cuddled, we cooked, we watched movies, we went for a drive, came home and cuddled some more. We had dinner at a nice restaurant. I love the food. It’s been quite sometime since I helped myself to a proper meal.

We talked about people, work and us. I told Emme I’m going to try and get a job near Malacca so we can live together. Emme was so excited with the idea. “Come soon”, she said shifting to the edge of her seat. I nodded. Vigorously.

Right after dinner we drove back home. Emme was indulging on some ice cream we bought at a gas station somewhere along the way. The sky was clear. I said to Emme, “Sayang, come lie on my lap so you can watch the stars”. She looked at me for a moment and did just that. I hold the steering wheel with one hand and wrap another around her. “I didn’t know you can do this”, she said while looking up the sky as if she saw it for the first time. I gave away a contented smile and slowed the car. Trying to prolong the moment. After a while I noticed Emme wasn’t looking at the sky anymore. She was staring at me. That caught me off guard. I think I blushed.

Every time we see each other, it always felt like we’re in a race. Against time. Against our busy schedule. And we’re always on the losing team. Days became hours. Hours reduced into unforgiving minutes. During breakfast, we kept looking at the clock. We didn’t utter a word. We just stare at each other blankly. The sadness that was put on hold when I arrived a few days ago came rushing back in.

We laid on the bed. Another hour and Mea will have to leave. I held her tight. Trying to freeze the moment into my mind like polaroids. For later use.

As I board my ride, it felt like part of me refused to leave. Part of me wants to stay forever in the warmth of her grace. Part of me rebelled to the idea of goodbyes. I fought with these emotions every time. And I could never offer myself a strong argument. Then again, is it possible to reason with your heart?


I took a deep breath. Time to go.
There’s that drizzle again…