Monday, October 15, 2012

3 bags full


3 bags. 3 bulky bags. I’m at the train station looking at my load and I almost laughed because I can’t remember what I put in them. I know one sack is filled with an array of random shoes. Some I might not even consider wearing. Why on earth did I bring them in the first place anyway? I’m too excited to care. Time seems to move so unhurriedly. Like a dull Monday after a long holiday.  Can I just tap my ruby slippers 3 times and ‘poof’, I’m lying by her side and tomorrow is the first day at my new job? Guess not. I don’t fancy ruby slippers.

A voice of an assumingly young lady came off a low quality speaker with the volume turned full blast. As soon as I heard the tap on the microphone, I knew something’s wrong. I was right. They will be a slight delay due to a ‘slight’ difficulty. Oh man… it’s going to be a long night. I set down my baggage one by one. Followed by my delayed ass.

As always, I’m on the phone with Emme. She will keep me company until I get to my bunker aka berth. Keeping me happy while I wait for my ride. Come to think of it, we’re always on the phone. We might not be living together (yet) but I think we’re so updated about what the other person is doing that we can’t even tell that we’re living apart. We even took the phone to the shower! (Thanks to the wonderful world of speakerphone). Ok, that might sound a bit perverted so please disregard that last comment if you’re under 18 or are easily disgusted or both.

I sat on an old taken down wooden electric pole turned bench. I’m guessing it was ‘cengal emas’. A few people sat with me. Some of them wear their frustration outside. Others just looked, sleepy. Some even slept where they sat, to my amazement.

In 3 weeks, I will be boarding my one way train. I will be moving in with Emme. Excited? That’s an understatement. Ecstatic? Getting warmer. Truth is, I’m so happy, I’m literally numb. Hence the three bags of random, utterly useless stuff that I’m about to dump at Emme’s house and declare as my essential belongings. Well, at least we can have a good laugh about it later.

In all seriousness, I am still unable to digest what is actually going on. This is our dream. This is an answered prayer. But when it finally happened, we just don’t know how to begin to take it in. We’re like 2 squirrels trapped in a nut silo. We go nuts. Literally!

Emme still ask me now and again whether this is really happening and I still gave her a long pause before the hesitant ‘yes’. And I am still trying to reassure myself that yes means yes!

And then everything came pouring in. Fear, doubt, anxiety. Thanks to the power of overthinking. Will I be able to make her happy? Is she going to feel annoyed with me after a while? Are we going to get into fights? Gosh, scary thoughts. But Emme reassured me that everything’s going to work out fine. And that it’s impossible for her to be annoyed with me as long as I shower regularly and reduce my habit of saying things in a repetitive manner. That will need practice but, achievable.

In 3 weeks, I will be sleeping in the warmth of her satin like skin and waking up to her beautiful smile. And they’ll be no more goodbyes. No more abrupt meetings. We don’t have to try to cramp a month of activities in one weekend. Soon, we can take it slow. We can walk by the lake and wait for the sunset. We can sip the coffee when it’s really below skin scorching temperature. Goodness gracious me, we can loaf! That is a luxury we have never tasted before.

The speaker lady spoke again. The train had overcome its slight difficulties and is now on its way to pick us poor sleepy soul. I am coming my love. With me are prove that soon, I won’t be leaving anymore. Soon, we will be doing all those things we’ve always dreamed about. Soon. We’ll be together.

Hang on tight sweetheart, we’re going for a ride.

Monday, September 10, 2012

There She Goes Again

She was singing. And subtly dancing. She weaved her delicate fingers around the mirror-like metal pole. The speeding train was half filled with people. A few of them took a longer than necessary stare at this animated girl who seemed unaware of where she is and what is around. She’s always like this. Bubbly and full of life. When she’s happy, she’ll show it. Regardless of where or when.



Sometimes, when we’re in a crowded place, she’ll pretend (?) like she’s about to kiss me. She’ll ease in real slow. And I’ll blush and start reciting a mantra in my head “she’s not going to do it…she’s not going to do it, She’s not…” And then when she got too close, I’ll panicked and say something like, “Hey there’s people around, Hun.” And then she’ll give me her common reply, “I wasn’t really going to do it.” And smirk at my defeat.

Emme has this sense of openness about her. Ingenuous and honest. In that sense she’s got more guts than I do. I am incredibly shy. My bubbliness is reserved for her and her only. But she inspired me. To not care. About what people might think of me/us.

“Let them judge”, she always said.

“They don’t know us. I KNOW you. And that’s all that matters”.



I promised myself that someday, I am going to dance with her, on a speeding train.
And I won't give a damn about anything else but my steps and this beautiful girl who is dancing around with me.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Ours

Venus drifted deeper into the dark oblivion.  Sulking in between thick clouds that dominated the murky moonless sky. I stand on the grassy porch with both of my hands kept warm in my pocket. It was cold but not bitterly so. The chilly August wind smelled of damp sands. I’m still looking up. There’s the constellation of Orion. I have always had this inexplicable fascination over what the imagination construed as a man pulling an arrow - The Hunter. In the Greek Mythology Orion the Hunter was the lover of the Goddess of the dawn, Eos. He was later slayed by Artemis, Goddess of the wildlands, over jealousy.

The Orion Nebula lies just on the Hunter’s sword. Stretching its empire of hot gases and newly born blue stars for as wide as 15 million light years. But from earth, they appear to us as just a small patch of blurry dot. It occurred to me how we must appear as an even smaller dot from Orion. And how frail and puny we are compared to the might of the Creator.  I closed my eyes on that humbling note.

Emme is sleeping in the room. Safe and unaware. Come dawn she will have to leave again. Weekends begin with absolute euphoria and ended in concentrated torture. It’s beginning to feel like an inexorable cycle. Like a raging tornado and we’re caught in its turbulence.

But I need to stay strong.

Emme made everything bearable. I endured because she endured. I wipe the tears off her warm cheek as she did mine. She made it seems possible. Attainable. Easy. Though her now and again silent weep told me a different story. There were times when we almost give in. But Emme, when she believes in something, she became a fighter. She knows no restraint, no boundary, no border.

“You don’t have to be strong all the time baby. I’m here now.”
- Emme Fabella

The moon made a delayed appearance just as I was making my way back into the house. Emme was crouching and breathing deep. I covered her with a thick cotton wool blanket - her house warming gift. She lay unmoved.

Under the feeble cobalt blue night light, I gazed at my lover. She folded her tiny hands under her cheeks. Her long eyelashes meet and reside. She’s at peace.

The first time I ever saw Emme, it was her eyes that told me everything I needed to know about her. They shine in deep, dark brown residues that mimic pillars of timeworn oaks shimmering as the warm July shower glazed its mossy bark. Her eyes are wide and eager. Piercing like metal shards. Yet it brought upon stories of battle lost and defeated wars. It praised the bearer for the silent nights she filled with tears and prayers. An unyielding attempt to reach out to the higher power.

 I saw a glimpse of hope. Of life. Of home. Finally.

I've kissed those eyes countless times. Often resting my lips longer than I should. There lies the essence of her being. The entrance into her soul. Her eyes aid her fingers as they scour their way onto my skin. They guide her feet as she eases her warm body closer to mine.
 I kissed her dark flowy hair. As dawn grew near, I put my arms around her.

 This love is all I had ever wanted. More than anything in the world. I am keeping my promise, Emme.


This battle is ours.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Remember Us

sky garden

breakfast by the pool table


kapitan


magical morning

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Never Let Go, Mea Fabella

6.15am, Saturday. The morning was warmer than mornings should be. The air was dry and stiff. Near the jetty, the sea was kept calm and asleep under a thin blanket of haze. Crows squawked from above the lamp post. Beckoning for the coming of day. I sat on one of the concrete benches lined along the elevated platform. A few of the other benches were occupied as well. We were sandwiched between two railway tracks. Aged and rock-hard timber ties the rusty steel together as they lie on the crushed granite underneath.  I did a quick time check and yawn simultaneously. Hadn’t had too much sleep. The night before was unkindly hot and unsettling.
Or perhaps it was just me.

I was early. Like I promised to be.

It has been a month since distance had denied me from the privilege of living my days under the warmth and care of the woman I love. A month? Surely it must be longer than that. Those last kiss, they felt ancient and remote. A small part of me felt abandoned. Marooned. Like a sinking ship. But none of that matters now. She is on her way.

As the orange tinged ray illuminates the far horizon, I saw a flickering of brilliant white lights coming towards me. From where I’m sitting, they bare the resemblance of a round cut Tanzanian diamond. Bright and glorious. Steels and stones shuddered and groan as the metallic beast approaches. Emme is here.

My palms were involuntarily sweaty. Not uncommon. Nervous and ecstatic. A minute battle was raging inside of me. This happens everytime. And I always lose. One way or the other. People poured out from a small opening at the side of the coaches. They looked tired and worn out. It’s a long journey from where they came from. I sliced through the crowd from the opposite direction. Half frantically giving a keen glance on each faces. Looking for that haunting smile. Then, I saw her. She wore a black sweater and a tiny yellow leather shoes. Her tan khakis covered her legs just below her knees. Her enormous backpack towered from behind her. My heart skipped a beat. We moved briskly towards each other. My face was beaming with pure joy. We hugged and at that instant, every inch of my body tells me to never let go. This is my destination.  It has been a long wait. And now the wait is no more.

As soon as we got in the car, I pulled her close and kissed her weary lips. My hands caressing her cold cheek. She closed her eyes. We got lost in the moment. We got lost in each other’s arms.

Morning was still a blue juvenile when we board the ferry. From the inside, the ferry looked majestic and resilient. Huge steel beam intertwined and formed a rigid knit on the walls and ceiling. We stood on the front deck. As close to each other as permissible. I always like to watch the foam form as the salt water slushes under the ship’s bow. The dense South Channel breeze gushes through her long hair and they in turn brushes against my cheek. Leaving a lingering scent of jasmine and patchouli.

The hotel room was modest at best. A small 14inch TV greeted us as we opened the door. The wall shows signs of being recently painted. The carpet was Prussian blue and it mimicked the shades of the curtains. The walls near the bathroom were half covered with white tiles. A two bulbs chandelier hung from the white ceiling. The room is old yet dignified. It carries a lot of history and you can feel it all around you.

I rolled down the curtain. Emme stared at me from the white linen bed. I joined her under the sheets. I rubbed her tired shoulders and back. We claimed our overdue affections and slept away the afternoon. Contented.

When we finally woke up, it was already 2pm. A durian hunt was scheduled on that day. After a quick hot shower, we headed to Balik Pulau. Emme sported a blue spaghetti top and a blue striped ¾ pants. Exposing her shoulders and collar bones. She looked so fragile and small in them. Demanding protection. The season was near the end. Evident from the empty stalls that dotted the road side.  By the grace of God, we found our durian. A succulent D24 infamously nick named the “Musang King”. I promised Emme that we are going to have the durian with some sticky rice and coconut milk. The way both of us like to have our durian. So equipped with some sticky rice that I brought from home, we made our way to Batu Feringghi for a small picnic. We sat on a flat boulder that also served as our table. On the branches, crows waited for some incidentally unattended food like a small-size American Black Vulture.  The weather was scorching but somehow we were eating and laughing like it does not bother us at all. And everything was delicious. I think I did a second helping. No, third. And so did Emme.

When we got back to the hotel room, we were burning inside out. The heat from the durian was really kicking in. Full and exhausted we fell asleep in each other’s arm as soon as our heads hit the pillows.

Emme and I got up in a daze. It was dark and quiet. How long have we been asleep? 12 midnight. I have to look at my watch twice just to be sure. We stared at each other in disbelieve. We must be so tired to have been sleeping that long. We decided to go for a late supper at our favourite joint just 5 minutes away. Emme had on an exquisite cotton blouse the color of riped raspberries. They echoed her shimmering crimson lips. The blouse hugged her waistline and rest there. She always looks good in red. That night, she looked like the most beautiful woman in that restaurant. She invited curious glance from other patrons, men and women alike. But she didn’t seems to notice them. Her eyes were fixed on this girl, sitting right in front of her, talking and babbling about silly happenings and ridiculous doings. She was staring, adoringly, at me. No, I’m not lucky. I am blessed.

Morning came uninvited but not unforeseen.

Emme kissed me as soon as she opened her eyes. “Morning Sayang”, she uttered softly. I smiled an returned her kiss. She buried her head on my chest. I kissed her hair and held her close. God I love this girl so much. Please don’t let her leave.

The traffic down below was muffled by layers of old red brick building. Making them sound like they were miles away from us. We climbed to the 5th floor for a breakfast at the Sky Garden. It had the most magnificent view of Georgetown. Old shophouses and cafes laid rows upon rows. Lining the streets and alleys. Komtar stood in the midst of everything. Like a loyal guard. We sat by the pool table. Emme toasted some bread for me. We had a chat by the balcony. Under the splendid Sunday sky, she looked so lovely.  I wished a kiss was possible there and then.

We checked out from the hotel and drove to Ropewalk. The weekend drew a lot of people coming looking for a bargain. We always come here for its cheap and abundant stock of used books. At 2 bucks a piece, we’ll be filling up our library in no time. After picking up some promising reads, we had a light breakfast of hokkien noodles at a Chinese Muslim stall just across the street. Is it just me or everything is just so delicious in Penang?

We arrived at my house that late afternoon. We laid silently on the bed. Wishing that there is some way that time could be stopped or prolonged. I promised Emme that I would come to her as soon as I could. She nodded yet tears started flowing from her sad eyes. She asked me to never let her go so I didn’t. Not until it’s really time to go.

It was drizzling when I sent her off to the station. The waiting area was surprisingly full with travellers. We were chatting and laughing. Trying to rub off the fact that she’s about to leave me. Then I heard that familiar sound. The train is here. We looked at each other. I forged a smile and reassured her that this is only temporary. I’ll get to her every chance I get. She took me into her arms and I told myself to be strong for her so I held my tears. This girl gave me so much happiness. She gave me feelings I had never felt before. Yes, we might not be able to see each other as much as we want to but her presence sums up years of relentless prayers – To love, and be loved in return.