30,000 feet above the ground

The alarm clock threw a fit which almost send me jumping off the bed. I opened my eyes. The night seemed reluctant to give in to dawn. The sky mimicked the color of raw bitumen. The cold and pitiless early morning breeze that lashes through the window felt like a 500 ton locomotive crashing on my face - one coach at a time.  I glanced at my phone to check the time. 5.30 am. Time to wake up. Time to go to work. Time to make something out of the day. Out of myself.

But today my weary limbs refused to cooperate. Work will have to wait. Just 5 minutes more.

A turn to the other side of the bed reunited me with Emme who is deep in sleep and draped in thick blanket up to her neck. She was holding my hands under the coverings. They felt warm and tender. I carefully eased myself from her tiny fingers, kissed her eyes and let my sight trace every single curve and curvature on her beautiful features for as long as time will allow me. “I love you sayang”, I sent out a faint whisper hoping that somewhere in her dream my words would echo and she would know that she is loved.

Gosh, I wish I don’t have to go.

My ten thousand miles expedition to the shower was aided by the residues from the streetlights that penetrates and bounces off every naked walls. They submit and glow in faint sunset orange like a neon sign that says, “This way to the icy cold water”.

This morning is no different from any other morning, right before I leave the house I would lie down on the bed right next to her, kiss her lightly and Emme would open her sleepy eyes, muster a smile and reassure me in the softest voice that we’ll see each other tonight. That’s our little ritual.

Her smile is my war cry. They will keep me strong until we meet again. Knowing that no matter what happens during the day, I will find myself under the care of her haven by night.

I ride to work. And work is 80km away. Although riding is my passion, they took quite a toll on me. I am emotionally ecstatic but physically drained. Fighting the wind and other elements, by the time I reach the office, I am already exhausted. Work on the other hand, is manageable. This seems like a fair arrangement to me. For which I am grateful for.

It’s been almost 3 months since we moved in together.

Living with Emme felt like watching my dreams being realized one by one from 30,000 feet above the ground. It felt so unreal that I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. I can’t be this lucky. I had never even won a lucky draw in my life!

What’s a beautiful woman like you doing with me?

I always told Emme that I had never felt so loved in my life. I never had anyone stay awake all night just to tend to my high fever. Nor have I had a lover who would go out of her way just to make my birthday the most amazing day of my life. She listens to my every wish and presents them when I least suspected. She listens to my every fear and let me know that I won’t be facing them alone anymore. She told me that things are different now. That she is here. I never had anyone who made me believe I could be more than who I thought I was. She taught me to be proud of being Mea. That mistakes made us human and forgiveness made us a person. That life is more than just what can be seen. But above all, she made me feel that it is not impossible to be loved.

Everything is fine now. I’m in a place that had abolished my desire to be anywhere else. I’m with a person that makes me feel like I’m the only possible person she could ever fall in love with.

We laugh – mostly at ourselves, we feast whenever there’s an occasion worth celebrating and we groan at things we deem distasteful. Life felt, adequate.

Right here in her arms, life is abundant.

Take these hands...

That Night

I stood in front of the hotel room, rubbing my hands together. My feet started to feel cold when i heard someone unlocking the door. Gosh why did I even agree to this? Good first impression is not my strongest virtue. Well, i wasn't  sure if it’s even on my list of virtues.

While i was contemplating to wait in the car, a face suddenly emerged from the slightly ajar door, smiling.

‘Come in’ she said, pulling the door in as i tailed my friend into the hotel room.

‘This is Emme’.

The brief introduction sent us all into silence.

I held my breath, looked straight at the girl with the ponytail and extended my hand.

Still wearing a smile, she shook my hand politely but looked away as soon as her eyes met mine.

‘Mea’

Her voice was barely audible.

'So this is Mea' i said to myself.

The Vow of Mea and Emme

I fear not what has surmounted me

Indeed this is the path never foretold

I know not what luck has stricken me

Dear Heaven, I may never know

May I have the promise of tomorrow

Grant me the luxury of your affection

Make me a woman unknown to sorrow

Be the reason for my contentment

Take these hands into yours

Though frail and callow they may seem

Yet for you they shall devour

Everything wicked and least worthy

This is my vow, my pledge of conviction

That your love shall never be forsaken

Liberate this heart from grief and forlorn

Be my saviour, Rule our kingdom.

(10.11.12 : Yes baby, I Do...)

Dexter and I

KL Sentral was muted by the consistent melody coming from my headphones.

“If I had only felt the warmth within your touch,

If I had only seen how you smile when you blush,

And how you curl your lips when you concentrate enough,

I would have known what I was living for all along…

What I’ve been living for…”

Sleeping At Last – Turning Page

I came down the main stairs on the arrival floor feeling like I was making a grand entrance. Look at me. I am a guest no more. This is my home now. Any first timer here? Anything I can do to help? I know it can be quite confusing. I used to travel here too…

The 8 hours train ride topped with the pseudoephedrine pills I swallowed earlier took quite a nasty toll on me. I am drowsier than a horse on tranquilizers. Behind me, my load hangs like a lion on a gazelle’s back. Tenacious and insistent. Shabbily packed in them are books, shirts, pants, random toiletries, a tent and Dexter. Dexter is a teddy bear which Emme had given to me back when we were still friends. The name was borrowed from her favorite cartoon character. Bart has a soft fur the color of heavy cream and he wore a brown shirt that says ‘it’s a boy!’

It’s hard to believe that someday life would make a sharp, two-wheels-off-the-ground turn where Dexter will be returned to its original owner and Mea would be allowed to tag along. Until this very day, whenever our eyes met and everything around us went silent, I would ask her the question that I’ve asked a million times – “Are you really Emme?”

My vertigo was preventing me from walking faster than I wanted to. Just on the other side of the glass wall, I saw her.  She smiled and made her way towards me. That 30 feet, felt like a walk on a treadmill.

She took my hands. And within her clasp, doubts and fears, disappear.

We arrived home close to midnight. As the front door closes, I seek my overdue kisses which Emme duly obliged. And this time something felt different. Something was missing and would never be missed.

They were no despair.

A long shower scrapped away the plight and grimes of the day. As I lay in bed, Emme took something from the other room and lie down next to me. Her cheek resting on my shoulder.

“Baby, this is something I bought in Shanghai. It says ‘home’. This is for us.”

I took the rectangular object the color of blood from her hands, smiled and whispered, “home”. Then Emme showed me another one.

“And sayang this is ‘happiness’. At first I thought of getting you one that says ‘love’ but then I changed my mind.”

I looked into her eyes. Puzzled. She kissed my cheek and put her arms around me.

She continues, “I don’t want you to have to go through a situation where you love someone but she does not love you or being loved by someone you can’t love in return. So I got you this because happiness is all I ever wish for you”, she choked and tears began to pool in her weary eyes.

I wanted to say, “That’s silly sayang. I don’t need to look for love. I have you. You love me, don’t you?” but my own voice deceived me and my tears were all that’s left to utter what’s unspoken.

And I don’t need to look for happiness either. I have it here. In my arms.

I kissed her eyes. It’s time for bed.

Emme’s breathing deepened as she gradually drifted away from her own consciousness. I looked out the window and watched the heavy clouds wafted lazily towards the shore. Down below, the city lights flickered restlessly from afar.

I recited a prayer and closed my eyes.

I kept thinking about the journey I took to get to where I am this very night. The cuts and bruises. The quest to find answers to questions I can’t even comprehend. It has been a long, long ride. But tonight, I can finally rest my head down. I can finally exhale. I have arrived.

And as darkness steered away into dawn, I kept imagining a picture of Emme and myself, hugging Dexter on a front cover of a fairy tale book. Except this is not a fairy tale.

Not anymore.