Snow Moon

I rest my hand on her chest. Under my palm, she breathes away the remainder of the day. Her dark hair obscures part of her eyes and lips and disappears behind the collar of her thin nightgown. They sway softly in erratic rhythm, roused by the ceiling fan turned full blast. It’s a warm February night. Perhaps a sign that the monsoon is finally coming to an end. The Snow Moon beckons from beyond the barren, cloudless sky. I lie quietly beside her, kiss the tip of her eyebrow, pull back and wait. Nothing. Her only riposte is the sound of her stillness. I’ve heard people say that silence is the most deafening sound.

How true.

At that moment I realized that although I missed her while she’s at work, when she went away on one of her business trips or when she went out on her futsal practice, I missed her the most when she’s asleep. When she’s unaware of anything. Or of anyone who might be staring at her at this ungodly hour. Anticipating a smile. An acknowledgement.

Lying here just 2 inches away from her, I’ve never felt so lonely and ignored. Silly me, I feel neglected.

Crack a smile for me sayang. Just one smile….

Earlier that evening, when I got home from work, the whole house smelled of thyme, garlic and oregano. And of roses coming from the perfume oil burner. Emme helped me off my jacket and hastily ushered me to the shower. She got her long hair tied in a bunch. She was wearing a checkered apron the color of tangerine and raspberry. It’s got a tiny pocket on the front. Perhaps for keeping recipes. “Stay away from the kitchen. I’ve got a surprise for you”, she said at the bathroom door. A quick kiss and she rushed back to the stove. Today is her off day and Emme was making a special dinner for both of us. On the bed, my t-shirt and pants were carefully lined. My favorite stretched-to-the-limit sleepwear. As soon as I don them on I heard Emme calling. While putting two plates on the dinner table she smiled and said, almost singing, “Who’s hungry?”

Chicken & shitake Aglio E Olio, baked sweet peas, peach sorbet and almond pistachio ice cream.

I looked at Emme. Amazed. Grateful and flattered. At the thought that someone went through all this trouble just to make me happy. But I’m not happy.… I’m elated! And that’s an understatement.

I cleared my plate in less than 10 minutes. The linguine Aglio was perfect. And don’t get me started on the dessert…

I kissed and hugged her tightly. Dinner was splendid. Compliment to the chef. My personal chef. Mind you.

As we retired to our bed, I rubbed her tired shoulder. They were stiff from the day’s labor. My poor baby. I kissed her eyes and lay her down. Her weary eyes were begging for an overdue rest. Almost as soon as they were closed, she departed into slumber.

So here I am, still staring at my lover. My eyes explore the curls, arcs and curves that conspired to form this beautiful creature. So are the kindness, gentleness and wit that never fails to warm my heart even in the coldest of days. This girl puts everything on the table. She left no chips for herself just in case the game turned sour and she needs to cash it for the cab home. She’s betting everything on me. On us. On love.

Tears roll down my eyes for reason I couldn’t quite explain. I move closer, put my arms around her and whisper, “I love you sayang. With all my heart. I always have and always will.”

And this is as honest as I’ve ever been in my life. This is the most sincere of words that ever came out of my mouth. In the dead of the night. When no one is looking or listening.

Even the person for whom the words were meant for.

30,000 feet above the ground

The alarm clock threw a fit which almost send me jumping off the bed. I opened my eyes. The night seemed reluctant to give in to dawn. The sky mimicked the color of raw bitumen. The cold and pitiless early morning breeze that lashes through the window felt like a 500 ton locomotive crashing on my face - one coach at a time.  I glanced at my phone to check the time. 5.30 am. Time to wake up. Time to go to work. Time to make something out of the day. Out of myself.

But today my weary limbs refused to cooperate. Work will have to wait. Just 5 minutes more.

A turn to the other side of the bed reunited me with Emme who is deep in sleep and draped in thick blanket up to her neck. She was holding my hands under the coverings. They felt warm and tender. I carefully eased myself from her tiny fingers, kissed her eyes and let my sight trace every single curve and curvature on her beautiful features for as long as time will allow me. “I love you sayang”, I sent out a faint whisper hoping that somewhere in her dream my words would echo and she would know that she is loved.

Gosh, I wish I don’t have to go.

My ten thousand miles expedition to the shower was aided by the residues from the streetlights that penetrates and bounces off every naked walls. They submit and glow in faint sunset orange like a neon sign that says, “This way to the icy cold water”.

This morning is no different from any other morning, right before I leave the house I would lie down on the bed right next to her, kiss her lightly and Emme would open her sleepy eyes, muster a smile and reassure me in the softest voice that we’ll see each other tonight. That’s our little ritual.

Her smile is my war cry. They will keep me strong until we meet again. Knowing that no matter what happens during the day, I will find myself under the care of her haven by night.

I ride to work. And work is 80km away. Although riding is my passion, they took quite a toll on me. I am emotionally ecstatic but physically drained. Fighting the wind and other elements, by the time I reach the office, I am already exhausted. Work on the other hand, is manageable. This seems like a fair arrangement to me. For which I am grateful for.

It’s been almost 3 months since we moved in together.

Living with Emme felt like watching my dreams being realized one by one from 30,000 feet above the ground. It felt so unreal that I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. I can’t be this lucky. I had never even won a lucky draw in my life!

What’s a beautiful woman like you doing with me?

I always told Emme that I had never felt so loved in my life. I never had anyone stay awake all night just to tend to my high fever. Nor have I had a lover who would go out of her way just to make my birthday the most amazing day of my life. She listens to my every wish and presents them when I least suspected. She listens to my every fear and let me know that I won’t be facing them alone anymore. She told me that things are different now. That she is here. I never had anyone who made me believe I could be more than who I thought I was. She taught me to be proud of being Mea. That mistakes made us human and forgiveness made us a person. That life is more than just what can be seen. But above all, she made me feel that it is not impossible to be loved.

Everything is fine now. I’m in a place that had abolished my desire to be anywhere else. I’m with a person that makes me feel like I’m the only possible person she could ever fall in love with.

We laugh – mostly at ourselves, we feast whenever there’s an occasion worth celebrating and we groan at things we deem distasteful. Life felt, adequate.

Right here in her arms, life is abundant.

Take these hands...

That Night

I stood in front of the hotel room, rubbing my hands together. My feet started to feel cold when i heard someone unlocking the door. Gosh why did I even agree to this? Good first impression is not my strongest virtue. Well, i wasn't  sure if it’s even on my list of virtues.

While i was contemplating to wait in the car, a face suddenly emerged from the slightly ajar door, smiling.

‘Come in’ she said, pulling the door in as i tailed my friend into the hotel room.

‘This is Emme’.

The brief introduction sent us all into silence.

I held my breath, looked straight at the girl with the ponytail and extended my hand.

Still wearing a smile, she shook my hand politely but looked away as soon as her eyes met mine.

‘Mea’

Her voice was barely audible.

'So this is Mea' i said to myself.

The Vow of Mea and Emme

I fear not what has surmounted me

Indeed this is the path never foretold

I know not what luck has stricken me

Dear Heaven, I may never know

May I have the promise of tomorrow

Grant me the luxury of your affection

Make me a woman unknown to sorrow

Be the reason for my contentment

Take these hands into yours

Though frail and callow they may seem

Yet for you they shall devour

Everything wicked and least worthy

This is my vow, my pledge of conviction

That your love shall never be forsaken

Liberate this heart from grief and forlorn

Be my saviour, Rule our kingdom.

(10.11.12 : Yes baby, I Do...)