#7

promised myself never to ask these questions. I told myself these are the way things are and how it’s always going to be. I used to be so OK with this arrangement. I live by the moment. I brace myself for the inevitable. I prepare for the fall. I gear up for the climb back up.

Then she smiled

How long has it been? A week? No, 2 days. 2 days?! Doesn’t feel like it at all. Feels like I’ve aged quite a bit since we last talked. Feels like I’ve missed so much. How many times has she smiled since? How much laughter?

I’ve got to stop checking the phone every 5 minutes. It’s ironic how I check the phone each time I remind myself not to. Gosh, even my fingers are disobeying my direct orders right now. What’s happening to me? A friend once told me, “Your problem is, when you love, you forget”. I know now how right she was. When I love, I just let go of everything else. I dwell. When I love, I only love. Which substantiate the fact that I suck at multitasking.

Pull yourself together you big goof. Do some reality check. Alrighty. She’s with someone – check. That someone is my old friend – check. That old friend can never know I’m gay – check. And she loves me – CHECK. Funny how that last statement cancelled out everything prior. Funny. Did I just grin?

I’m terrified. Logic is leaving me. Rationality took a one way train. Nothing makes sense when she’s away. When did this happen? When did I fell? I thought I would have some kind of consciousness of me falling. Or at least when I hit the ground. I feel like the world suddenly grew in size. Expand. Moved her further away. I found myself surrounded by unfamiliar faces. I feel ignored. Unwanted. Alone.

And these tears. These nightly self pity episodes. It’s consuming me. I’m a buffet to my own desire. It’s getting hollow inside. I can almost hear an echo.

Why did I venture into this? What’s with all these self inflicted pain? What’s the prize? Maybe it’s not what I’m getting. It’s what I’ll be able to give. This love I’ve been keeping inside of me. I want her to know.

Naturally, my survival instinct will look for something, someone to blame. But none of us have any control over this. It just, happens. And so damn fast too. 1 blink, I told her I love her. 1 blink she’s in my arms. 1 blink, we’re together. Together. I never thought that word and ‘we’ can co-exist in the same sentence. Well, you can always blame the weather.

I’m not keen about tomorrow anymore. I stopped looking at the calendar. I don’t want to know how long it’s going to be until we can be together again. I don’t count the days. I limit my future planning to just a few hours ahead. That’s all I can managed right now and that works just fine for me.

Balance is always something I find very hard to achieve. At least when it comes to loving a person. How do you balance that? How do you contain yourself? Where is the boundary? Should there even be boundaries in the first place? There you go. That’s why I can never find balance. I have boundary issues.

Stop checking the damn phone

I close my eyes.

God grant me peace. Give me some refuge. Restore me.