Steadfast

The coach sways in its course. Aged metal wheels wrestle with the tracks and let out a high pitch scream. The train speeds away, barging on into the darkness like a steadfast war chariot. Taking me away for Eid and away from her. Oh, I don’t mean to make the festive season sounds so melancholic but here I am staring at the ‘ceiling’ of my berth with dread. I lie submissively while an old enemy nibbles on my insides and leave an echoing emptiness. I know this feeling. I haven’t had it for a very, very long time. I thought I’ve grown out of it. I thought I’ve mellowed away. Turns out, I haven’t even budge from who I was the day I laid my eyes on that smile.

6 days. Just 6 days Ms. Drama Queen. That’s less than a week. You’ve handled a severely longer period than this, right?

I close my eyes. Take a deep inhale. Let out a heavy breath hoping that somehow someone stronger will come out of it. None.

Lord, I’m missing her.

Funny, after all these years, I’m still the same hopeless Mea.

The last 8 months of being overindulged by her presence is offering little help in times like these. They exacerbate this ludicrous longing like the arid August wind feeding a fuming bushfire.

She took care of me. Meticulous with everything that concerns me. Often, she bathed me and let her fingers cleansed me and shunt my troubles away. She stayed up all night, dabbing my skin with icy cold water when I was down with fever. She speaks in the softest tone. One that made me want to break into grateful tears. She pacifies me when the world has its way on me. She urges me to soar and spreads her arms down below in case I fall. She took care of me.

There are times when life’s monotonous ritual took a toll on us. I tried my best to keep this love on its toes. Emme is resilient. She had kisses and hugs on tap should Mea be needing it. She never changed a bit.

I want Emme to always know that my stars and moon revolves around her. That she is closer to me than my own skin. That my love for her rushes from all directions. I know it’s too easy to blame it on being human but I am infested with weaknesses. Of which I am ashamed of and struggling to stray away from. I want her to know that I would exhaust my might for her. I’ll fight to the death for her honour. That this love too, is on tap.

The old locomotive rages on. My headphones delivers a coinciding theme.

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue and
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
You Know there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

Make You Feel My Love – Bob Dylan

Dear Emme,

If someday you're awaken from whisperings of doubt and fear, just look into my eyes and you’ll find me. Close your eyes, and let the worries dissipate with the kisses that will follow soon after…