writer's block

The city lights up as the day retreats towards the far horizon. Streetlights sprawl like an extended offspring of the sun. Puny and dim. In the distance I hear the humming of cars of all sorts. I envy them. I envy their will. Part of me wanted to be on the road. Ride the night away. I want to go where their heading. See what all the commotion is all about. But tonight, I only managed to muster enough will to lie on my bed and write – in my PJs!

Emme is away for the weekend and that about explains all of the above.

Emme has been asking me to write more often. I wanted to. Writing is my passion.  But somehow, it’s getting harder and harder to get my words together in a proper sentence. I always told her that I’m swamped and work got the best of me. Although I know it is the worst excuse, it seems like a more passable explanation than anything else. Truthfully, all these while, I wrote only when we’re apart. When my heart yearned so much for just a glimpse of her that I wasn’t able to contain it within myself. When I wanted her to know how much it hurts. When distance gutted me alive and I can’t keep silence anymore.

Which explains why I’m writing right now.

It’s amazing how just the presence (or absence) of one person changes your view of everything. Your perceptions of things occurring all round you. It’s amazing how she unknowingly determines this woman’s will. I’m not rich, not strong and far from smart but I know, if Emme told me I can, I could leap from a 20 story building……and actually fly.

The humming is slowly receding. The moon glows brilliantly high above the heavy December clouds. A blissful note on this otherwise gloomy night. The moon was never brighter than the sun. It’s humbler.  Just to give enough light for people to descend into the refuge of their dreams. Just enough to soothe the darkness until the dawn of yet another day.

I rest my head on the pillow, pull the blanket up and hope for sleep. The night grew colder.

And despite the stirring of the world around me, I feel lonely. Alienated and disconnected.

Without Emme, I'll be nothing but a trivial being instinctively trying to eek myself through life. With no destinations and no one waiting for me in the place I dare regard as home. They’ll be no comfort against the freezing temperament of human. And these lights and people will just be a distant stranger.

And, there’ll be no contentment. No occasion to celebrate. No one to listen to (and witness) my foolish doings. No one to tell me that it’s ok to be foolish, just sometimes. No one to reassure me that it’s ok to be…just Mea.

I am mumbling.

Goodnight city lights.

Goodnight my sweet Emme. Come home soon.