2 sunrises to Emme

Sunday. Another cold morning in this awfully empty house. It rained heavily last night and a few nights before. From my window, I can see the mist shrouding the hills. The morning breeze eases in. Ushering the fog and spreading it on the lowlands. The adolescent sunlight peeked through and flooded the empty spaces in between. It’s a beautiful morning. I wish Emme is here to see it.

It’s true what they say. Sometimes silence can be deafening. Loneliness screams from within you like a child throwing a tantrum. I hate how every noise echoed in this house. Especially my own voice. But I must say it makes a good effect when I played my guitar. I think it is called the reverberation effect. Each chord is reflected back and forth on the walls. Amplifying it. Accentuating it. Making me feel like I’m performing in a stadium or something. Zero audience of course.

For some reason, I can’t play in front of Emme. My palms will get all sweaty and I’ll lost memories of lyrics and chords. I get nervous when she’s looking attentively at me, listening. Perhaps I’m afraid I might slip and screw up. Oh the pressure of it all! I’ve tried taping it but somehow I’m still nervous thinking that she is going to watch this later on anyway. Maybe soon when I got used to plucking and strumming in her presence, I would be less restless. But for now, practice practice practice.

Distance does makes the heart grew fonder. I have no argument in that whatsoever. But it could also sink you deep in your own despair. Life is not always as bright as today’s sunshine. When life rain on your parade, you yearn for that comfort. That genuine human touch. And not just from anybody. From the only person you knew who really cared. Phone calls, texts, webcams and emails they lack that essence. They can sometimes even worsen the pain. I always told Emme, webcams are worse than medieval torture device. You can look but you cannot touch. So near yet so far. It’s like living in dungeons – with WiFi.

Another 2 sunrises to Emme. That’s my only consolation right now. That’s my spark of hope. I have a destination. Somewhere to go. Someone to hold. Lips to kiss. In 2 days. In 2 long days.

I haven’t even arrived but I’m already thinking about the pain of parting. It’s imminent. No point denying that fact. Perhaps I’m just trying to prepare myself which is a good thing. I won’t let Emme see my tears. Not this time.

Last time we said goodbye, we were crying like hell. Emme was wiping her tears with one hand and mine with another. We kissed our last kiss as tears trickled down our cheek. It was heart wrenching leaving her like that. I felt guilty about having to leave but like Emme always said, “We have responsibilities. We’re two mature, working adults”. I must admit, I can’t completely agree with her on that. Working adults? Yes. But mature? Not yet. Getting there. And doing a lousy job at that.

I can’t wait for this day to be over. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I can’t wait for Monday and Tuesday. Each day that ended brings me closer to her. We are going to pick up where we left off. Make up for lost time. Resume impeded affection. I am going to find my way back to Emme.

Part 2

"Ticket miss..."

The train conductor half whispered from the walkway. We jumped out of our skin. Simultaneously untangling ourselves from each other. Staring at her wide eyed, I put my index finger on my lips. As a sign of mutual understanding, Emme nodded and spontaneously did the same.

“TICKET MISS...”

I scrambled for the piece of thick glossy paper which at that moment felt like the most important document on earth. Still hiding behind the curtains, I handed the ticket through a small slit.
The conductor mumbled something. I sensed urgency in his voice so I poked my head through the curtains. Squinting.

"Sorry Sir?"

"There's a flood in Sungai Buloh and the train won't be able to get through. We might have to get off at Tanjung Malim and get on a bus from there", the conductor repeats himself patiently. Then he went on his way. Asking for tickets and uttering the same statement over and over again like a pre-recorded tape.

I looked at Emme and said, "are you up for an adventure?!!"
She said nothing, pulled me into her arms and closed the curtains…

We slept on the same narrow bunker. Her head rested on my chest. Her lips almost touching my cheek. I can feel her heartbeat vibrates my skin, resonates through my veins and crashes with mine. We were lying in an uncomfortable position but to have her hands around me and to be able to listen to her deep breathing, I won’t trade it for any king size bed. However, I woke up around an hour later to find myself sleeping alone. I immediately went to look for her. She had moved to the opposite bed. Poor thing. She was crouching because half of the bed was filled with our bulky backpacks. Deep in sleep. I kissed her full lips and pulled the blanket over her. She looked like a sculpture frozen in time. Gosh, she looked good even in her sleep. I always wondered how she managed to do that.

It's 4.30 in the morning and we received the imminent wake up call from the conductor. I was so tired and sleepy, I couldn't even stand up straight. Then Emme shoot a smile down my way and just like that, I came back to life. She needs me. I need to stay strong and alert for my girl.

The buses were already waiting at the station when we arrived. It was a tangy orange standard issue school bus. The drivers looked so pleased to see us. I reckoned the train company must be paying them good money to come and fetch people in such short notice. In these ungodly hours, they were the only people in the bus who were smiling.

We stuffed our backpacks which now seemed to weight like a mountain of bricks into the side compartment and went on the bus. We slammed our aching behind on the nearest unoccupied seats and let out a long sigh. I held her hands and as soon as the driver turned off the cabin light, gave her a kiss on the cheek. She smiled and lean on my shoulder. The bus drove on. Emme fell asleep almost immediately. I watched her as the yellow streetlight shone through the glass window and flickered on her face. Making it appear and dissapear. Hypnotizing me. Her face soon faded as I followed her into slumber.

When I opened my eyes, the sun had already peeked through the horizon. Changing the colour of the dark sky into a vague layer of pale yellow and blue. We're here.

We took another bus to get to the lodge. It was an old run down bus. All dusty and rickety. It must have been around for ages. If the bus can talk, it will probably say “hey, been there, done that”. The engine was so loud it felt like we’re sitting in the turbine of a Boeing. But other than that slight discomfort, the ride was incredible. The driver was friendly and the view along the way was great.

The lodge that we’re about to stay in is a two stories family run shophouse-turned-backpackers motel. The lodge sat comfortably on the riverbank. From the architecture, it must be at least 50 years old. The owner of the place, William, spoke in quite a peculiar manner. Starting every conversation with a long ‘Hello’ that sounds like a cockatoo (sorry William!).
(Emme and I still joke around about his peculiar greetings. Emme is good at imitating his unique ‘Hello’.)

As we entered, he was talking on the phone. We sat and waited on the sofa and made ourselves at home.

“Hulloooooooooo”

“Hi, I’m Mea. I’ve made a reservation.” I said only after a few hellos from William because we thought he was still talking on the phone.

After filling up the forms he gave us our key and the passcode to open the front entrance. One of the staff, Jimmy gave us a map and briefs us on where we should go, what to eat, what to look out for and all the ‘touristy’ stuff.

Our room has no window. Just four thick white walls with one heavy door and two single beds. If you close the door and turn off the lights, you couldn’t see 2 inches in front of your face. But it’s ok. We only need the room to sleep so the darker the better. The only thing is, our room is just 3 feet from the reception. So during our 2 days stay, we have to be very careful not to make any ‘queer’ sound and since the bathroom is a shared bathroom, it’s quite embarrassing to have to pass by the reception each morning to get a shower looking like…well, looking like you just got up from bed. Messy hair, crumpled shirt, super short boxers…no bra.

The lodge has its own resident pet named One One (or is it spelled Wan Wan?). She’s the cutest little furball. She’s got this big pendant on her neck which looked so heavy but she doesn’t seem to mind (If I’m a cat, I would be annoyed). They must be her good luck charm. We played with her every time we got the chance to. Gosh, I miss One One so much. She reminded me of happier days.

Emme wore a pink summer dress that afternoon. The most gorgeous dress I had ever seen. The bottom seam ends just where her leg ends. The dress matches the smile. Perfecto.

We walked around town. Hands clasped. People were staring at us but we never let go. Just as we passed by the museum, a taxi driver complimented her smile. I feel a sudden rush of pride. This girl has a smile that could light up the whole town and she’s with me. I don’t usually believe in coincidence and luck but fate couldn’t be this generous. So I’ll give an exception for this one. I’m lucky.

We went to this famous diner for some French Crêpe. Chocolate Banana and Original. It was delicious. So delicious that we actually went again the next day and ate double the helpings. If there’s such a thing as a sudden Crêpe addiction, we’re showing all the symptoms. And that’s not the only thing we piled into our poor tummy. We also had some incredibly tasty beef soup and tomyam. I must say, it’s very surprising to be able to hit homeruns on great food in this city because we were only expecting something edible in the beginning. We are starting to wonder what else the city got hidden under its sleeves.

The trip turned out to be better than expected. Way better. Even better than the previous state. We’re having the time of our lives. There we were, two young women in love walking in a city full of people. Careless and free. And there she was. The girl I love. Strolling right beside me. Talking about this and that. Throwing gestures and face expressions as she travels from one topic to another. And I did or said nothing but just stare at her with an admiring smile. Under the charm of this beautiful lady, I was taken away from the bustling traffic and the crowd. I can see and hear only her. Everything else just sunk below hearing and visible range.

It’s late. We walked along the cobbled pavement by the river. Emme laid on the bench under the dim streetlight. Our feet were sore from walking since early afternoon. The night was warm and calm. There were no stars or moon. Just a charcoal black sky. A reggae song was playing from a nearby café. Something about love and sunset. I put two fingers on my lips and transferred an imaginary kiss on hers. She took it with a smile. She deserves a real kiss. Soon. As soon as we’re alone.

The night crept away right under our noses. The whole town went silent. We retreated to our room. For a kiss and a good night sleep.

The dreaded dawn came uninvited and unforgiving. Shoving us away from this town and back to where we came from. We took a morning walk around town. A farewell walk. Pledging a quiet promise to come back again. I felt sad about leaving. I felt like as soon as we left, the city is going to forget about us. We haven’t even left but I missed this place already.

William wasn’t around when we took off that morning so we just left the key on the table and stick a thank you note on the notice board. Along with numerous notes from other travelers.

We had a great time. Will definitely come again! Thanks so much
P/S: One One please be good

Luv,
Mea and Emme

Early afternoon, we took the same rickety bus back to Emme’s place.

before goodbyes - Part 1

Prologue

1.45pm
I woke up to the heat of the high noon. In disbelieve that I'm back at this place. Back where I started again. Far from her. From home. The backpack is slumped by the door. I don't even have the will to unpack. Maybe it's a good idea not to. Who knows, I might be heading back to her tomorrow. Hey, maybe even this very afternoon. Gosh, stop kidding yourself Mea. You just got back not 6 hours ago.
Still, I'll unpack later. Much later.

I looked at the red checkers shirt hanged by the window. Emme gave me that shirt. I've been hugged in that shirt. Kissed just above the collar. The sleeves was once held dearly by someone. It has gone where Emme is. And now it's just hanging there. Lifeless. But I'm not suprised.
Everything seems lifeless when she's not around.

My mind is trying very hard to adjust to the abrupt changes in my routine.
No kisses in the morning. No gentle rub on my back. No cuddling on the sofa.
No smooth swaying to the music. No hands to hold. No sound of her laughter.
No big silly grin on my face.
Just me and this steady flow of grief from my tired eyes.

I feel like a miniseries is running in my head. Big stashes of memories came rolling in. Hitting me like a a full speed steel locomotive.

Was yesterday a dream? Whatever it was, today surely feels like a nightmare...

__________________________________________________

10 days before goodbyes

My bag must be weighing not less than a tonne and I don't feel a thing. My palms are so sweaty I think it's dripping all over the floor. I kept reminding myself to breathe and exhale. Wait, isn't breathing supposed to be spontaneous? Oh Mea, why do you have to be such a nervous wreck?

The airport is an enormous place full of people coming from somewhere and going to another. And it felt like an even bigger place when you're waiting at the departure hall scanning every faces that walked by you hoping that one of them is the one you're waiting for. I fixed my stare at the rectangular opening on the glass wall. In just a few minutes, Emme will be walking through there. I didn't even blink. Can't risk missing her. Every once in a while I took a quick, micro-second glance at the time. Each time knocking the display glass with the tip of my finger. Either my watch is running out of battery or time is slowing down.
Emme, where are you?

Then, in the crowd of strange foreign unfamiliar faces, I saw someone I know. I saw someone I love. She's here.
From where I'm standing, she looked amazing. She looked more beautiful than the last time we met.

I know this sounds silly, but I've practiced this how-to-greet-her moves days in advance. The objective is to sport a cool but excited look in one go. But just as expected, as soon as I saw her face, all those rehearsal just went down the drain. All I can manage to put up is a smile and a 'hi'. We walked while staring at each other and fighting the urge to kiss. Risking tripping on our own feet or any obstacles in front of us. Slicing through a maze of people that storms in opposite direction. Making our way to the exit.

The plan is to go backpacking across 2 different states. We've been talking about going on such trips for so long. I'm so glad we finally got the opportunity to actually make it happen and thrilled is too small a word to describe how excited we are. We are literally beaming with exhiliration and I think it's apparent to everyone at the airport.

I rented a motorbike. We both agreed that since this is a backpacking trip, we should limit our means of transportation to buses, bikes and our 2 feet. No cars, taxis or anything that spells out luxury and expels any sense of adventure. So I rented a 110cc white Honda. This will be our ride for the next 2 days.

The clouds were gray and unsettling. Thunder echoed from above like a heavenly wrath. Just as I was fastening her helmet, it started to rain. And before long, it poured. We were soaked down to our undies!
I asked her, teasingly, "So what do you think of our trip so far?".
She paused, smiled, pushing out rain water that kept flowing into her mouth and said, "It's OK". I laughed.
What a way to start a trip!

We took shelter at a bus stop and sat close to each other. Sharing body heat. The rain showed no sign of giving up. I held her freezing hands. If not for the people who were sharing the same bus stop, I would have kissed her wet lips.
As soon as the rain dwindled into drizzles, we hurried to the hotel.

The place has got an 80's feel to it. The people there were kind. The room was suprisingly spacious compared to what we paid for. Not much of a view from the window except for a narrow street below and a red brick wall from a nearby building.

I looked at Emme and eases my steps towards her. I traced her soft lips with my fingers. They are the colour of a Burmese Ruby. Warm and inviting. Something mounts inside of me. I drew her closer. We kissed. Finally. And her kiss was so overwhelming, I almost forgot where I am. The world is bustling all around me and I couldn't care less. I close my eyes and all I can see is her. All I want is her. She whispered softly in my ears, "I'm yours sayang. All yours".

Hours passed by. The only thing that motivated us to get out of the room is our growling hunger. After a quick hot shower, we went to an authentic Indian restaurant just blocks away. The food was delicious. We filled ourselves right up to our noses.


























That late afternoon we stopped by the botanical garden. The garden is a huge place sorrounded by old trees and dotted with people walking around the concrete tracks. We joined the crowd and followed the white mossy trails stopping by a small hut.
She laid her head on my lap. I rubbed her shoulder gently while she gradually drifted into sleep. Poor thing. She must be so tired. It has been a long day. Just right before she doze off, I asked,"Sayang, is this still backpacking?". Eyes still closed and trying very hard to conceal a smirk, she answered, "Uhmm, I think so".










































When the night came, we took a ride around town. The air was cold and humid. A remnant from the earlier downpour . She held me tight around my waist. We talked and talked. Well, we are on a moving bike wearing a thick helmet so we sound more like shouting than talking. We laughed our heads off. Talking about all sorts of things and making comments about the things we saw along the road. We must look like 2 super happy maniacs who came out of nowhere, riding dangerously and aimlessly. I told Emme I feel like the happiest girl alive. She held me tighter.
Never let go, Emme. You're safe with me.



It's 11pm and we're both extremely tired. I told her we need to make one last stop before we call it a day. I told her I wanted to show her something. We head on to the beach. I parked the bike at a very nice and secluded spot. The moon was full and glowing like a bead of pearl etched on the cloudless night sky. I asked her to sit on a piece of log and to look the other way. I got the suprise out of my backpack and lit it on. I screamed, "Hey Emme, take a look at this!". As she did, the fireworks does its magic. It was magnificient. She was stunned. I saw the flowery explosion as they were reflected in her eyes. She took a few steps back, took my hands and put it around her. When it's over and the darkness came back, she looked into my eyes and said "Darling, they're beautiful. I can't believe you did this. I love you so much!". We kissed under the dim moonlight. On the way back to our hotel, I asked her again, "So, what do you think of the trip so far?". She answered swiftly, "It's wonderful!!". And then she continued in a softer tone of voice, "You're romantic".
Thank God for the helmet. If not, she could have seen me blush.
God, I'm so in love with this girl.




































The next day we took a train. It will be a 10 hour journey to our next destination. We bought the berth or bunker seats which is like a single bed fixed on the side of the cabin's wall. We filled one berth with all of our stuff and stayed on another. We closed the curtains real tight so no one could see what the two lovers are doing on the other side. The train picked up speed. Metals clanked and rattled. Emanating just enough noise to muffle ours. Emme leaned closer and rested her plump lips on mine...

a sonnet for Emme

this is a sonnet for Emme
It's not made of words and don't even rhyme
does not have a beginning or a definite end
not beaten by drums nor strung by violins

it's the sweet sound of her voice
that seems to silent every other noise
it's the beat of my heart
reacting to her touch

like a field of roses rustling in the wind
and the way she smiles in the morning
like the birds that flew across the sunset
and the sudden rush as our eyes met

take me to the highest possible notes
teach me how to play your chords
strum me up pluck my string
this is a song only you can sing

let your love be my metronome
let your melodies lead me home
one fine day we will dance
to a sonnet for Emme

return

Dear Emme,

I can't even begin to describe what these horrid discorteous nights are doing to me. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. And us. It's always the same dream. The same setting. The same breathtaking view. Of you. But that's not the worst part. The most agonizing part of it all is waking up.


Dearest Emme,

In this war torn region that was once my heart, I'm buried in rubbles and fenced in by blinding smokes from burning ruins. No matter how hard I try, seems like I could never find my way out. Countless times I called your name but to no avail. Obscured by the the sound of the relentless rain, my voice is not strong enough to travel the distance. So here I sat. Bruised and weary. Still, I'll keep this fire burning. In hope that the heat will keep me warm while the flame serves as a beacon to lead you straight into my arms again.

Come look for me. I need you. Only you can save me. See me through.

Please return
So our story can resume

Luv,
Mea