To be loved by her

Is to comprehend yet wonder
To have questions answered with another
To be removed from all fear
To be so close but not quite near

To stand still and be blown away
To be saved from being astray
To see beauty in many forms
To rise beyond all norms

Like

A touch of color on black and grey
A streak of light on the darkest day
A scent of rose on my best silk
A summer bouquet freshly picked

Never shall I depart from this dream
Nor will I deny the way I feel
For I am deeply enthralled
By the beauty of it all

mocha cherry

Present day

Another spoonful of milk of magnesia. It suddenly occurred to me that the concoction has the appearance and consistency of a bird’s droppings. Yuck! I close my eyes trying to shove the thought away. I try instead imagining the mixture flowing down, covering the inner lining of my stomach. Curing whatever cut or abrasion that has been causing this unbearable pain. I’ve never been stabbed before but I reckon this is as close as it gets to one. It’s like being slashed from the inside. It’s been a while since my last gastritis. And this time they are back with reinforcement – fever and a splitting headache. Here I am crouching in the middle of the living room calling her name. Like a chant. If only she’s here. She’ll know what to do.

It’s amazing to think that just a few days ago Mea was up and running. It’s amazing how things could change in a split second. You’ll never know what tomorrow will throw on your doorstep. That’s a pretty scary thought.

_____________________________________________

Friday, 11.11.11

Work was overwhelming. Five meetings in one day, two reports and one presentation due next week. Not to mention a mountain of unresolved issues that depended upon Mea’s inexperienced wit. I think that sums up on my mental condition lately. It’s hard to put up a smile on days like these. I’m drained. I need a break. I need a big hug. I need a wet sloppy kiss. I need Emme.

Her days weren’t paradise either. She’s been working late. She’s got three events to organize in two months. Plus, she’s running a high fever. She could use a hug or two.

We both need each other. Badly.

9.29 pm. The bus was half an hour late. I was getting restless. The guy at the counter reassured me (for the third time) that the bus was in fact on its way. When it finally came, it brought a slight drizzle with it. There’s always something melancholic about drizzles. It felt like an allegory of despair and longing. Heaven’s rendition of misery. Or maybe it’s just me.

Four hours is how long it takes to arrive in her embrace. I told Emme to try and get some sleep. I’ll let her know when I’m almost there. The road will be too long and the bus too slow. As usual.

An hour past midnight. The weather was clear here. The moon was full. Engulfing everything along its path as it hovers towards the other side of the horizon. Turning them into a dull tinge of beige and grey. As my feet hit the tarmac, I immediately saw her waiting by the car. The moonlight shone from the background. Obscuring her into a shadowy outline of delicate shapes and curves. Something escaladed deep inside of me. Like a bubble waiting to burst. My smile came back. Here I am two steps away from my remedy. Emme spread her arms. “Oh baby, I miss you so much”, I said as I plunged into her. “You’re here”, Emme whispered into my ears. Her eyes were puffy and her skin was burning. She’s still feverish.

As we laid on the bed, arms knitted around each other, I was in disbelieve that I’m actually here. It felt like a dream. It always does. Emme kissed me. Almost continuously. She reassured me that everything’s going to be ok. I promised her the same. And just like that, I forgot about all my troubles. I forgot about work and the life I left behind. Report? What report?

Emme’s fever was getting better. We spent the day doing the things we love. We cuddled, we cooked, we watched movies, we went for a drive, came home and cuddled some more. We had dinner at a nice restaurant. I love the food. It’s been quite sometime since I helped myself to a proper meal.

We talked about people, work and us. I told Emme I’m going to try and get a job near Malacca so we can live together. Emme was so excited with the idea. “Come soon”, she said shifting to the edge of her seat. I nodded. Vigorously.

Right after dinner we drove back home. Emme was indulging on some ice cream we bought at a gas station somewhere along the way. The sky was clear. I said to Emme, “Sayang, come lie on my lap so you can watch the stars”. She looked at me for a moment and did just that. I hold the steering wheel with one hand and wrap another around her. “I didn’t know you can do this”, she said while looking up the sky as if she saw it for the first time. I gave away a contented smile and slowed the car. Trying to prolong the moment. After a while I noticed Emme wasn’t looking at the sky anymore. She was staring at me. That caught me off guard. I think I blushed.

Every time we see each other, it always felt like we’re in a race. Against time. Against our busy schedule. And we’re always on the losing team. Days became hours. Hours reduced into unforgiving minutes. During breakfast, we kept looking at the clock. We didn’t utter a word. We just stare at each other blankly. The sadness that was put on hold when I arrived a few days ago came rushing back in.

We laid on the bed. Another hour and Mea will have to leave. I held her tight. Trying to freeze the moment into my mind like polaroids. For later use.

As I board my ride, it felt like part of me refused to leave. Part of me wants to stay forever in the warmth of her grace. Part of me rebelled to the idea of goodbyes. I fought with these emotions every time. And I could never offer myself a strong argument. Then again, is it possible to reason with your heart?


I took a deep breath. Time to go.
There’s that drizzle again…

All The Lonely People

The bus drove on. Emme was following not far behind. Is she chasing after me? Perhaps she was trying to steal one final glimpse. Another wave goodbye. My heart sank. She looked so tiny in that driver’s seat. Sad and alone. We part as she made a left turn and I went the opposite way.

I kept asking myself why I have to leave. Don’t we have the power to do what we want now? Now that we’ve grown up and had minds of our own? Huh, stop being silly Mea. Two mature, working adults, remember?

As the bus makes its way through the dark cold asphalt, I lower the seat and close my eyes. Without mercy, images of her came gushing in into my mind wave upon wave. I was quickly taken back to a morning just a few days ago. I remembered her smile. The smile she made as she opened her eyes. The smile she made as soon as she saw me. Her beautiful dark hazel eyes squinting from the sudden rush of the morning sunlight. Her delicate fingers caressing my cheek. She pulled me close and whispered her love for me. And I confessed mine. That’s our little ritual. Every single morning.

We had the weekends all to ourselves. That’s a rare luxury we both understood well and always try to make full use of. Emme wanted to take me to this bootsale and maybe catch some dinner with a few good friends later. And of course, that sounds like a very good plan. Anywhere with Emme is a good place to be.

We decided to travel with public transports. “We’d see more this way”, I told Emme. We took a bus and sit at the far end of it. Emme was naughty and playful, as usual. Teasing me. Even occasionally singing and moving about to the music which was playing on the speaker. We laughed and laughed. Two goofools back in action.

Excited as she was, Emme was showing signs of fatigue. She came back from a hiking trip just a day before and I think she hasn’t fully recovered although she managed to convince me that she was. She said she really wanted to show me the bootsale. This is the place she shops for books and CDs. Including some that she lent me.

I immediately fell in love with the place. It’s a heaven for book lovers and bargain hunters like us. It’s amazing how not so many people knew about it. Emme was all over the place. Grabbing my arms and hastily taking me from one shop to another. She’s been telling me about this place for so long but now that she got me here, she can’t decide which one is more interesting to show to me than the other. Anyway, we end up not buying anything but I’m going to come back. Definitely.

Later we rode a train and moved further into the stony maze to meet our friends. Emme’s condition had worsened at this point. Her hands and feet were sweaty and cold as ice. She kept telling me she felt nauseous. I was getting worried but my attempt to persuade her to just go home was met by her persistence to keep going. So we kept going.

While having dinner, Emme excused herself to the ladies room. I followed her right into the toilet where she vomited. I rubbed her back until she stops convulsing. She sat on the toilet seat as I held her. Poor thing. We should have stayed at home. As her complexion came back and she felt better, we began to realize that we were locked together in a public bathroom full of people. We stared at each other for a minute or two. Trying to figure out how to get out of there when we both already knew there’s only one way in and out. We gave each other a smile then Emme said, highbrow, “Let’s do this”. We rushed out surprising a few people who were waiting for a vacant toilet. Gosh, they must've think that we’re making out in there. We would - if Emme weren’t sick.

She finally surrendered so we took another train and head home. While waiting at the station, she went pale and blue again. She can’t even walk anymore. I was in a state of panic and was contemplating whether I should call for an ambulance. She said it was unnecessary because she’s just exhausted. We sat on a bench and I asked Emme to lie down on my lap. I massaged her head and pray for the train to come soon. Needless to say, we attracted a lot of queer stare from other patrons. I have no concern over those. All I care about is her and why the train is taking so bloody long.

When we finally got home, she was totally worn out and shivering. She kept apologizing. She felt like she had ruined the evening. I told her, “Don’t say sorry baby. I had a great time. Thank you for taking me to these places. You’re pushing yourself too hard. Next time let’s just rest at home if we’re too tired, okay?” Emme gave a weak nod.

As she laid half conscious on the bed, I rubbed medicated oil on her. Her hands were still cold. So were her feet. Her muscles were as stiff as a rock. I went on and only stopped when her fingers felt warmer than mine. I gave her a goodnight kiss and covered her bare back with a thick blanket. She was breathing deeply. Rest sweetie. It’s been an awfully long day. I closed the door and went to the study room to do some reading. Somehow, tired as I was, I can’t sleep. Must be the adrenaline from what happened earlier that evening.

The book was about a lady detective in Botswana. I think I managed to read a couple of pages before I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up sometime later to find Emme at the door, covered in blankets. She said in a husky voice, “I woke up and you weren’t there. So I went looking for you”. I don’t know why but something inside me swelled up. Must be my motherly instinct. She needs me. I gave her a hug and we went to bed. Arms wrapped in each other. “I’m here darling”.

When I opened my eyes, the sky was a beautiful tone of Prussian blue. The sun’s up. Emme was still sleeping. She had her arms around me still. Her face touching mine. In the serenity of the early dawn, I talked to Him;

“Dear God, please protect her when I’m not around. Please guard her when she’s unaware. Keep her safe until my return. Bestowed her with as much love as she had given on others and on me. I don’t mean to offend you but this is the person I love”. Tears flowed from my eyes. I quickly wipe them so they won’t fall on Emme and woke her up. But she did anyway. She asked, “Sayang, were you talking in your sleep?” I just smiled and kiss her forehead.

The day felt like déjà-vu. Clothes were hesitantly stuffed into the backpack ready to be sent off to where it came from. Along with its owner. Emme sat at the corner of the room hugging her knees while I get dressed. I know that look. It’s the why-do-you-have-to-go look. If there’s an award for the moment I hate the most, this must be it. And second place would go to the final hug at the bus station. Which came in succession not long after.

But this time, no tears came from our eyes. Just like I promised. We laughed from the moment we met up until I throw her a butterfly kiss from the bus.

The engines starts but I’m not ready to go…..
_____________________________________________

300km from Emme

Here I am alone again. Back to square one. Watching the hills as the sun bathe the tree top and replenish them back to their former glory. Missing the girl I kissed just yesterday. The Beatles’ Eleanor Rigby was playing on the radio. Singing my heart again, as always;

All the lonely people where do they all come from…..All the lonely people where do they all belong….

Perhaps Mea never left. Perhaps somewhere in the ripple of space and time, Mea and Emme are still there, under the blanket. Fingers weaved in one another. Chatting and kissing the night away…

2 sunrises to Emme

Sunday. Another cold morning in this awfully empty house. It rained heavily last night and a few nights before. From my window, I can see the mist shrouding the hills. The morning breeze eases in. Ushering the fog and spreading it on the lowlands. The adolescent sunlight peeked through and flooded the empty spaces in between. It’s a beautiful morning. I wish Emme is here to see it.

It’s true what they say. Sometimes silence can be deafening. Loneliness screams from within you like a child throwing a tantrum. I hate how every noise echoed in this house. Especially my own voice. But I must say it makes a good effect when I played my guitar. I think it is called the reverberation effect. Each chord is reflected back and forth on the walls. Amplifying it. Accentuating it. Making me feel like I’m performing in a stadium or something. Zero audience of course.

For some reason, I can’t play in front of Emme. My palms will get all sweaty and I’ll lost memories of lyrics and chords. I get nervous when she’s looking attentively at me, listening. Perhaps I’m afraid I might slip and screw up. Oh the pressure of it all! I’ve tried taping it but somehow I’m still nervous thinking that she is going to watch this later on anyway. Maybe soon when I got used to plucking and strumming in her presence, I would be less restless. But for now, practice practice practice.

Distance does makes the heart grew fonder. I have no argument in that whatsoever. But it could also sink you deep in your own despair. Life is not always as bright as today’s sunshine. When life rain on your parade, you yearn for that comfort. That genuine human touch. And not just from anybody. From the only person you knew who really cared. Phone calls, texts, webcams and emails they lack that essence. They can sometimes even worsen the pain. I always told Emme, webcams are worse than medieval torture device. You can look but you cannot touch. So near yet so far. It’s like living in dungeons – with WiFi.

Another 2 sunrises to Emme. That’s my only consolation right now. That’s my spark of hope. I have a destination. Somewhere to go. Someone to hold. Lips to kiss. In 2 days. In 2 long days.

I haven’t even arrived but I’m already thinking about the pain of parting. It’s imminent. No point denying that fact. Perhaps I’m just trying to prepare myself which is a good thing. I won’t let Emme see my tears. Not this time.

Last time we said goodbye, we were crying like hell. Emme was wiping her tears with one hand and mine with another. We kissed our last kiss as tears trickled down our cheek. It was heart wrenching leaving her like that. I felt guilty about having to leave but like Emme always said, “We have responsibilities. We’re two mature, working adults”. I must admit, I can’t completely agree with her on that. Working adults? Yes. But mature? Not yet. Getting there. And doing a lousy job at that.

I can’t wait for this day to be over. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I can’t wait for Monday and Tuesday. Each day that ended brings me closer to her. We are going to pick up where we left off. Make up for lost time. Resume impeded affection. I am going to find my way back to Emme.

Part 2

"Ticket miss..."

The train conductor half whispered from the walkway. We jumped out of our skin. Simultaneously untangling ourselves from each other. Staring at her wide eyed, I put my index finger on my lips. As a sign of mutual understanding, Emme nodded and spontaneously did the same.

“TICKET MISS...”

I scrambled for the piece of thick glossy paper which at that moment felt like the most important document on earth. Still hiding behind the curtains, I handed the ticket through a small slit.
The conductor mumbled something. I sensed urgency in his voice so I poked my head through the curtains. Squinting.

"Sorry Sir?"

"There's a flood in Sungai Buloh and the train won't be able to get through. We might have to get off at Tanjung Malim and get on a bus from there", the conductor repeats himself patiently. Then he went on his way. Asking for tickets and uttering the same statement over and over again like a pre-recorded tape.

I looked at Emme and said, "are you up for an adventure?!!"
She said nothing, pulled me into her arms and closed the curtains…

We slept on the same narrow bunker. Her head rested on my chest. Her lips almost touching my cheek. I can feel her heartbeat vibrates my skin, resonates through my veins and crashes with mine. We were lying in an uncomfortable position but to have her hands around me and to be able to listen to her deep breathing, I won’t trade it for any king size bed. However, I woke up around an hour later to find myself sleeping alone. I immediately went to look for her. She had moved to the opposite bed. Poor thing. She was crouching because half of the bed was filled with our bulky backpacks. Deep in sleep. I kissed her full lips and pulled the blanket over her. She looked like a sculpture frozen in time. Gosh, she looked good even in her sleep. I always wondered how she managed to do that.

It's 4.30 in the morning and we received the imminent wake up call from the conductor. I was so tired and sleepy, I couldn't even stand up straight. Then Emme shoot a smile down my way and just like that, I came back to life. She needs me. I need to stay strong and alert for my girl.

The buses were already waiting at the station when we arrived. It was a tangy orange standard issue school bus. The drivers looked so pleased to see us. I reckoned the train company must be paying them good money to come and fetch people in such short notice. In these ungodly hours, they were the only people in the bus who were smiling.

We stuffed our backpacks which now seemed to weight like a mountain of bricks into the side compartment and went on the bus. We slammed our aching behind on the nearest unoccupied seats and let out a long sigh. I held her hands and as soon as the driver turned off the cabin light, gave her a kiss on the cheek. She smiled and lean on my shoulder. The bus drove on. Emme fell asleep almost immediately. I watched her as the yellow streetlight shone through the glass window and flickered on her face. Making it appear and dissapear. Hypnotizing me. Her face soon faded as I followed her into slumber.

When I opened my eyes, the sun had already peeked through the horizon. Changing the colour of the dark sky into a vague layer of pale yellow and blue. We're here.

We took another bus to get to the lodge. It was an old run down bus. All dusty and rickety. It must have been around for ages. If the bus can talk, it will probably say “hey, been there, done that”. The engine was so loud it felt like we’re sitting in the turbine of a Boeing. But other than that slight discomfort, the ride was incredible. The driver was friendly and the view along the way was great.

The lodge that we’re about to stay in is a two stories family run shophouse-turned-backpackers motel. The lodge sat comfortably on the riverbank. From the architecture, it must be at least 50 years old. The owner of the place, William, spoke in quite a peculiar manner. Starting every conversation with a long ‘Hello’ that sounds like a cockatoo (sorry William!).
(Emme and I still joke around about his peculiar greetings. Emme is good at imitating his unique ‘Hello’.)

As we entered, he was talking on the phone. We sat and waited on the sofa and made ourselves at home.

“Hulloooooooooo”

“Hi, I’m Mea. I’ve made a reservation.” I said only after a few hellos from William because we thought he was still talking on the phone.

After filling up the forms he gave us our key and the passcode to open the front entrance. One of the staff, Jimmy gave us a map and briefs us on where we should go, what to eat, what to look out for and all the ‘touristy’ stuff.

Our room has no window. Just four thick white walls with one heavy door and two single beds. If you close the door and turn off the lights, you couldn’t see 2 inches in front of your face. But it’s ok. We only need the room to sleep so the darker the better. The only thing is, our room is just 3 feet from the reception. So during our 2 days stay, we have to be very careful not to make any ‘queer’ sound and since the bathroom is a shared bathroom, it’s quite embarrassing to have to pass by the reception each morning to get a shower looking like…well, looking like you just got up from bed. Messy hair, crumpled shirt, super short boxers…no bra.

The lodge has its own resident pet named One One (or is it spelled Wan Wan?). She’s the cutest little furball. She’s got this big pendant on her neck which looked so heavy but she doesn’t seem to mind (If I’m a cat, I would be annoyed). They must be her good luck charm. We played with her every time we got the chance to. Gosh, I miss One One so much. She reminded me of happier days.

Emme wore a pink summer dress that afternoon. The most gorgeous dress I had ever seen. The bottom seam ends just where her leg ends. The dress matches the smile. Perfecto.

We walked around town. Hands clasped. People were staring at us but we never let go. Just as we passed by the museum, a taxi driver complimented her smile. I feel a sudden rush of pride. This girl has a smile that could light up the whole town and she’s with me. I don’t usually believe in coincidence and luck but fate couldn’t be this generous. So I’ll give an exception for this one. I’m lucky.

We went to this famous diner for some French Crêpe. Chocolate Banana and Original. It was delicious. So delicious that we actually went again the next day and ate double the helpings. If there’s such a thing as a sudden Crêpe addiction, we’re showing all the symptoms. And that’s not the only thing we piled into our poor tummy. We also had some incredibly tasty beef soup and tomyam. I must say, it’s very surprising to be able to hit homeruns on great food in this city because we were only expecting something edible in the beginning. We are starting to wonder what else the city got hidden under its sleeves.

The trip turned out to be better than expected. Way better. Even better than the previous state. We’re having the time of our lives. There we were, two young women in love walking in a city full of people. Careless and free. And there she was. The girl I love. Strolling right beside me. Talking about this and that. Throwing gestures and face expressions as she travels from one topic to another. And I did or said nothing but just stare at her with an admiring smile. Under the charm of this beautiful lady, I was taken away from the bustling traffic and the crowd. I can see and hear only her. Everything else just sunk below hearing and visible range.

It’s late. We walked along the cobbled pavement by the river. Emme laid on the bench under the dim streetlight. Our feet were sore from walking since early afternoon. The night was warm and calm. There were no stars or moon. Just a charcoal black sky. A reggae song was playing from a nearby café. Something about love and sunset. I put two fingers on my lips and transferred an imaginary kiss on hers. She took it with a smile. She deserves a real kiss. Soon. As soon as we’re alone.

The night crept away right under our noses. The whole town went silent. We retreated to our room. For a kiss and a good night sleep.

The dreaded dawn came uninvited and unforgiving. Shoving us away from this town and back to where we came from. We took a morning walk around town. A farewell walk. Pledging a quiet promise to come back again. I felt sad about leaving. I felt like as soon as we left, the city is going to forget about us. We haven’t even left but I missed this place already.

William wasn’t around when we took off that morning so we just left the key on the table and stick a thank you note on the notice board. Along with numerous notes from other travelers.

We had a great time. Will definitely come again! Thanks so much
P/S: One One please be good

Luv,
Mea and Emme

Early afternoon, we took the same rickety bus back to Emme’s place.