By Chance

This is a recollection of words unspoken. A collage of feelings kept to oneself. This is a story of Mea. Before Emme.

By chance. I think that’s the best way to describe my encounter with Emme. A connection made via another. Through an old friend. Which actually complicate things but that's another story.

I can't really remember when it happens and how. Is it too easy of an answer to say that the moment we met, I just knew I love her. And as I got to know her, I love everything about her. When she's near, everyone else just disappear. The world shrinks to just Mea and Emme. She made me feel a million times stronger and better than who I really am. She inspired me to be the person I've always wanted to be. She showed me that there's more to this life than what I considered as life. She gave love, hope.

It was not the lack of courage that hinders me from blurting my heart's content to her. No. Emme was simply not available at that time. She was with someone else and I respect that. I don't want to meddle with that. Still, human heart is a senseless, deaf-mute creature. It knows what it wants and it can't be appeased. So it begins. A constant battle between should and want. Hundreds of times I took a step forward and just as fast, withdrew them. Oscillating back and forth like an erratic version of Argentine Tango.

Many a time, I tried hitting her with fuzzy hint which passed through her unnoticed like a light drizzle on a Sunday morning. They were weak. Laced with guilt. Crippled by conscience.

Many a time, I give up.

Strangely enough, I always come back. Making one flimsy attempt after another. Hoping that perhaps one of them will catch her attention. But surely (and sadly) enough, they didn't.

God knows how hard it is to talk to her while holding in what I really meant to say. Being close enough but unprivileged to touch. Stealing glances when she's looking away. Whispering words that dispersed into the wind right before they reach her.

Dear Emme, I Love You. Can you hear me?

Two years of loving her taught me that love doesn't have to be mutual. I've come to a point where I don't care if she ever love me. I just want to love her. I want to be the person to carve that smile on her face. I want to be the one to render her happiness. I want to be there for her when life treats her badly. Because love, though unanswered, is still love.

So I stayed.

But deep inside I still hope that maybe, just maybe, one fine morning when she's standing by her window, while the morning breeze brushes through her hair, she would hear my voice calling for her. She would finally realize that this awkward girl that kept showing up at her door is not there because she was on business trips and happens to be in the neighborhood. And the loud, inappropriate laughter was Mea's way of concealing her feelings and not because she's gotten too excited about the party. Maybe one day she'll finally realize that this girl had fallen for her.

Till then, I'll keep blowing little love notes her way. Perhaps when the morning breeze in strong enough, they will find their way into her heart.

By chance. Perhaps it was all orchestrated by a spontaneous chain of events that coincidently intertwine. Then again, life taught me to stop believing in coincidence.